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I sighed. “She’s a young girl with a crush on the first man in her life who hasn’t been a complete piece of shit to her. She’ll get over it.”
“Maybe,” Kuzo said wisely. “But are you gonna get over her?”
I glanced at him, and he continued, “I may not be a smartass like y’all, but I’m not exactly brainless either. You were staring right back at her. I don’t blame you. She seems like a nice girl.”
“Sheisa nice girl,” I told him firmly. “That’s exactly why I need to stay away from her.”
Kuzo shook his head. “It doesn’t work like that. I know you like to sacrifice yourself and be the big daddy to all of us, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned from this whole fiasco, it is that it’s important to be a little selfish and be around the people you love. And when you find your happiness, don’t let it go.”
TWENTY-NINE
TILLIE
It was about a week after we returned that it all nearly fell apart.
It began on a Thursday with the sun descending in the sky. I stretched and resisted the urge to moan before I began taking off my apron.
“You packing up?” Erwin asked, and I nodded.
“I’m tired to the bone,” I groaned. All I wanted to do right now was just run a hot bath, crawl in front of the television, and do nothing for an hour.
“Yeah, today was no joke,” Erwin said, which was an understatement. There must have been some kind of convention in town because I hadn’t seen so many people traipsing in here all at once before. It was a struggle getting all the orders in and out, and we weren’t even short-staffed today. “Business is doing well.” He smiled.
I nodded. “And I’m very happy for you, but someone is going to have to drag my corpse out of here one day.”
“Please. You look better than you ever have since I first met you,” he said. “No offense.”
I grinned. “None taken.”
I knew he was right, and I knew why. When I looked at myself in the mirror this morning, I could barely recognize myself. A pink color lighted my cheeks, and my eyes no longer looked half dead. The dark circles under them had faded too, and I even think I gained some weight. Plus, there was something else there that hadn’t been there before, something that added a little glow to my aura.
Purpose, Ezra’s voice commented in my head.That’s what purpose looks like.
I agreed, and truly, a lot of the positive changes were thanks to Ezra. He was the one who kept insisting and pushing and meddling until I was forced to believe in myself again. I was forced to seriously consider my future, and I now knew what career I wanted to pursue.
“I think I want a be a school counselor,” I’d told him a few days ago, though I cringed a little when I did. I half expected him to tell me it was stupid or that I was far too old to start on that path or too stupid. Or that it wasn’t a lofty enough dream.
But he didn’t question me on the decision too much. It was like he already knew before I even figured it out.
But he’d only smiled and drawn me in with that proud look on his face that I’d come to love so much.
It was weird that I was so opposed to counseling before, but ever since I started going, I’d seen a massive improvement in my overall sleep and mental health.
“It’s guilt,” my therapist had said when I asked her where she thought the sleep issues originated from. “You feel guilty about your father’s death, and as irrational as it is, you can’t let go of it. That plus the fact that you feel abandoned with both your mom and dad gone. I think you never feel safe enough to sleep because, to you, safety is attached to being with someone you care about.”
I gaped at her when she said it. I wanted to deny her words, but it was difficult to.
She smiled kindly. “But you have to learn to feel safe on your own. Know that you alone are enough, and you don’t necessarily need anyone else with you for it to be possible. So I want you to start doing something for me, alright? Try sleeping on your own. Do my breathing exercises when it gets bad, but try not to give up until you do. Alright?”
I dreaded it, but I nodded anyway. I was willing to try because I did want to get better. While I loved sleeping with Ezra, I hated being dependent on him or feeling like I was using him.
At first, when I explained what I needed to do to Ezra, he was reluctant. He thought it was too soon for me to be sleeping on my own, but I convinced him. It didn’t exactly work the first time, but after the past three times, I could now nap for short periods of time with him just outside in the living room, which I saw as an improvement. And the fact that it only took that little to get me on the path to begin healing…well, it was kinda sad.
To think that it only took one person to try.
I wanted to be someone that someone else could rely on.
Someone who could one day have a child that would be proud of her.
