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I was so stunned by the dream that it took me a while to register who he was or what he was saying. He was Casey, Kelly’s son. My sister’s son was standing there, cocking his head in concern. My sister’s son who she had with the man who broke her heart and shattered her soul.
The man I was just making out with yesterday.
The guilt I’d been trying not to think about slammed into me like an avalanche. No wonder I had that dream.What was I thinking, making out with the man who made Kelly that way?
Not that I could fairly blame Kelly’s depression entirely on Zane. She’d been bipolar since before she met him, but it was under control. She was seeing a therapist and taking her medication. She was my happy, loving sister. Zane was the one who pushed her over the edge.
And he’d held my lips with his as he kissed me on his kitchen counter.
The worst part about it was that I hadn’t stopped him. And I wouldn’t have stopped even if he decided to make love to me right then and there. Heck, I didn’t even have the forethought to stop when Casey came back with Meech. If Zane hadn’t pulled away before they both caught us, it would have been even more of a disaster than it already was.
Guilt chipped away at my confidence and sense of self-worth. My whole life, I’d seen myself as a nice person. I’d assumed that because I tried my best and never did anything heinous, I was fine.
But now I wondered if I was truly good. Because a good person wouldn’t make out with her dead sister’s ex-husband.
The worst part of it was that I would have to see him again next Friday and fight these feelings I had for him. I would also have to see him again the Friday after that, and the one after that, until Zane eventually got tired of this charade and went to tell my parents exactly what was going on.
Bringing my entire world crumbling around my ears.
“Charlotte?” Casey’s voice now held more than a hint of concern. “You okay?”
When I turned back to him, he’d already finished with his piece of toast, which meant I’d been deliberating silently for a quick second. No wonder he thought there was something wrong with me.
“Yeah,” I responded. “Yeah, I’m good. Just zoned out for a little bit there.”
“Oh,” he said. “Well, I’m headed out to school, and Grandma says you have to take Grandpa to his appointment before work today. So you might want to get ready for that.”
Crap, I got my wires crossed. Today was also the day I’d been scheduled on the roster for the basketball team. I would have to call and cancel them. I tried not to get sad that I would once again miss out on the best part of my week this week and disappoint the girls. My dad was far more important anyway.
“Alright,” Casey said with a nod. “I’m heading off to school now. See you later.”
I barely called out a greeting, focusing my energy on getting out of bed and making the call. I didn’t know if it was the guilt or exhaustion, but moving felt tougher today. My body felt unusually heavy, too, but I still got ready and dressed before going downstairs to find my mother clearing the table.
She frowned when she saw me.
“You’re late,” she said.
“Yeah, sorry,” I said. “I overslept.”
“How could you oversleep on such an important day?” She turned to me with a tight expression. “You know your dad’s going to have his check-up. Must I do everything? Is this your way of saying that you want me to take care of everything? You don’t want to help out anymore? What kind of daughter are you?”
I heaved a deep sigh because my mother always did this. She took minor mistakes and turned them into a whole conspiracy against her, and nothing and no one else could convince her otherwise.
Kelly used to sometimes do the same things too, and she probably got it from Mom.
God, I felt horrible just thinking of my sister like that. Was I just saying that to appease my guilt? Remembering her as anything less than perfect right now made my gut stab with guilt.
“No, Mom,” I said, knowing the key to overcoming her suspicions was simply remaining calm and apologetic. “I just overslept. I know it was wrong of me to forget about Dad’s appointment. I’m sorry. I won’t do it again.”
“You better not,” she grumbled, only mildly appeased. “I know you want to do everything, everywhere, all at once, but you are in this family, so you should help take care of it.”
Haven’t I been doing that?I wanted to get upset, but I simply swallowed my feelings and said, “Yes, ma’am.”
My dad’s visit went about as expected. The cardiologist reminded us that he strongly recommended the surgery, but I told him we were still fighting with insurance to know if they would cover it. Mom had gone to the bank to see if we could take out a second mortgage and was told she didn’t qualify. The hospital didn’t take any payment plans and was the only one available to do the highly experimental procedure for the stent. So, for now, it looked like we would have to wait to hear from the insurance company.
After I told him all this, Dr. Houser simply shook his head. “You’ll need to be very careful with his diet then, in the meantime. No stress and nothing that will exert his heart.”
My dad smiled at this. “Don’t worry, doctor. They’ve been taking good care of me. My wife makes this vegan chicken, except it tastes absolutely nothing like chicken. More like fried grass. Pretty good, though.”
