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Without directly saying it, he’s giving me what I asked for.
Although I still want to visit Grandpop and my friends, at least I’ve been calling and texting them regularly, and everyone seems fine.
I settle in for a wait. Of everything I’ve learned from watchingwaytoo muchLaw and Order, plus several seasons ofThe Wire, stakeouts are massively boring. I try to keep my eyes peeled on the entrance, watching everyone that comes and goes, making note of anyone that remotely matches the man that I spoke with via Zoom. I don’t see him, but I also don’t expect to, not at first anyway.
I try to pay attention. I really, really do, but after an hour, my mind begins to wander. Music runs through my head, old songs I haven’t heard in forever. I end up humming melodies, tapping beats. Lanzo ignores me, alternating between dozing and intense watchfulness, like he can’t focus his attention for long without falling asleep.
After the second hour passes, I feel like I might lose my mind from boredom. That’s when Lanzo looks at me and says, “I should’ve told you from the start how I know Burian.”
The suddenness of his declaration makes me pull a double take. I hug my knees to my chest, trying to summon the rage I felt the other day, but finding it all burned out. “Why didn’t you?”
“I was ashamed.” The nakedness of his admission makes me soften even further. “Burian used me the way he uses everyone. I didn’t want to tell you that I was involved with him, because I didn’t want you to look at me differently.”
I smile to myself. “You should’ve known that wouldn’t happen.”
“You taking an odd job for him because you’re financially desperate is very different from what I did.”
“Maybe,” I say, shrugging a little. “But I also know how persuasive Burian can be. How charming he seems.”
“I wasn’t charmed,” Lanzo says, and I can’t tell if he’s trying to convince himself. “I just wanted to be more. Burian was offering me harder jobs, bigger paydays, more prestige. He was building me up. I don’t know what his long-term plans were for me, but if I hadn’t turned my back on him, I’d be a very different person today.”
“What made you finally walk away?”
“A lot of things came together,” he says, still not looking at me. “The jobs kept getting more intense. They kept getting dirtier and dirtier. I began to realize that I didn’t want to do anything at all. That I want to have some agency over the sort of tasks I take on.” He leans forward, gripping the steering wheel. “And I didn’t want Burian to own me anymore.”
I feel a tight pity bloom in my stomach. He’d hate that if he knew, so I keep the expression from my face, but I can’t help myself. Here’s a man that prides himself on his independence, a man that’s competent and clever, and he felt owned. No wonder he walked.
“I’m sorry you felt that way.” I reach out suddenly and grab his hand. His fingers are tense, squeezing too hard, until he relaxes. “You could’ve told me.”
“I didn’t want to see that look in your eye.” He glances over, lacing my fingers into his. “That fear.”
“I’m not afraid.”
“But you are, and you should be. You were right to worry about me, Renata, but I promise I’ll never keep anything from you again. Burian’s my greatest shame, and now you know it. Working with him was the lowest point of my life.”
“You’re fixing that wrong,” I say softly, finally understanding. “It’s not really revenge.”
“It’s about making things right.” He nods slowly, leaning closer, tugging me into meet him.
I let his lips find mine. I kiss him back, head feeling light and dizzy. Lanzo talks about being morally gray, about being amoral, about not caring what’s right or wrong, but all this time, he’s been struggling to be a better man. To do good in the world by taking down Burian. By erasing some of the ugliness he’s caused.
He really does want to save lives.
I kiss him fully. Some of the fear in my chest relaxes. His tongue invades my mouth and I revel in that taste like a release. I’ve hated the distance that wedged itself between us, but I didn’t know how to fix it.
Now, I feel like I understand him better.
We break apart. I’m breathing hard, my forehead pressed to his. “I want to keep helping,” I whisper. “We can do this together, you know.”
“I can’t stand the idea of putting you in danger. I only brought you today because I didn’t think we’d end up catching him.”
“It doesn’t matter. I’m here. We can do this, Lanzo. If you let me.”
His jaw works, but he nods slightly. “We can do this.”
I hug him tightly—and there, over his shoulder, I spot a man exiting the apartment building.
“Lanzo,” I say, pulling back, eyes going wide. “Lanzo. Lanzo! Holy shit!”
