Page 87 of Secret Squirrel


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Christ, it was like talking to twelve-year-olds. Luckily, I wasn’t forced to answer any more stupid questions because Bowie came strolling through the door, grinning at the fresh prey scattered around the bar. He walked over to me, his eyes still scoping out potential women to take home for the night.

“You’re going to have to get your own place if you start bringing these women home.”

He shot me a dirty look. “You brought Carly home.”

“And she won’t leave,” I snapped.

“You slept with Carly?” the gigolo shirt asked. “How did you do that?”

“Well, it starts with going and talking to them,” I advised. “You’re not going to get laid if you stand over here pissing yourself.”

“But…what do you say to them?”

I frowned, wondering if this was a serious question. “You just talk to them. They’re people.”

“Not like me,” he said quickly.

Bowie nodded. “He’s got a point. Those girls are not like us.”

“Look, they’re superficial. They don’t need deep conversation. But they do want a man to fawn all over them. Buy them drinks.”

“The cosmos here are killer,” one of the guys said.

“Cosmos?” Bowie asked. “What the fuck is that?”

The kid held up his drink, which I promptly plucked from his hand. “Hey! I was drinking that.”

“Masculine…” I reiterated. “A cosmo is not going to make a chick think you’re good with your hands. Have you ever had whiskey?”

The kids all frowned at me. This was harder than I thought. Who taught these kids to be men? I waved to the bartender and motioned for a round of beers. He nodded and got to work pouring. I didn’t dare start them out on whiskey. They’d probably fall over drunk after the first shot.

I motioned for the men to walk over to the bar. They each grabbed a drink and looked at me nervously. “If you come back here, I will shoot you myself.”

With that, they turned nervously to the women and walked over.

Bowie strolled over, chuckling to himself. “It’s so cute when the babies leave the nest.”

I grunted in disagreement. “I might not have been smooth at their age, but I definitely wasn’t that fucking stupid.”

“That’s still to be determined.” He cocked his head at me. “I gotta say, after what I saw this morning, I’m surprised you showed up tonight.”

“Why?”

“Because of Rae. You really thought it was a good idea to come here even though you have a woman at home?”

“I saw her at OPS. She said she didn’t care. She said we both know what this is.”

“What your relationship is or what this so-called date is?”

I shrugged. “Beats the hell out of me. She didn’t even seem upset by it.”

“Yeah, they never do.” He grinned and took a sip of his beer.

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“It means you’re screwed. Look, if she really doesn’t care, that’s not good for you. If she was pretending not to care, that’s really, really bad for you.”

“But she said she didn’t care.”

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