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I close my eyes, remembering our fight. The things he’d said, the things I’d said… and then I remember Ava, and that maddening, confident smile. “Not now, Landon.”
“No… I,” He stops. “I haven’t stopped thinking about it. Your being here means a lot to me, Rachel. I hate the idea that I hurt you. I don’t… I’m sorry for not trusting you about Jack.”
“You already said that,” I reply without looking at him.
He sighs, and his fingers move lightly on my waist. A small shudder rocks through me at the slight touch, and I swallow. “I want us to work,” he says. “I want…”
“Landon,” I interrupt. His words are only breaking my heart because I’ve already decided what I’m going to do. I decided long before we came down for the party, and watching him with Ava only strengthened my resolve. “We don’t work,” I say gently. “We just don’t work.”
I feel his body freeze. “You’re wrong.”
“Am I?” My voice is soft. “I don’t think so, Landon.” I can’t bear the pain, my heart screams silently. I can’t bear loving you like this. When it comes to him, I’m always going to be insecure. I’m always going to be dreading the moment when he’ll walk away from me.
“Don’t do this again.” There is a plea in his voice, a desperation in his touch. “For God’s sake don’t do this again.”
“Why not? What does it even mean to you that I stay? It’s just sex, Landon, apart from that, we have nothing.”
His jaw moves. “We talked about this, and you said you wouldn’t walk away.”
I close my eyes. Somewhere inside, I’d hoped that he would tell me that I was wrong, that what we had was more than sex, and that he felt something for me. Blinking back tears, I look up into his face, “I’m not walking away. I’m trying to make you see that we don’t have a chance.”Not when I’m desperately in love with you, and you don’t feel the same.I sigh. “You don’t trust me. I don’t trust you. We don’t have anything to build a relationship on. Maybe it’s best if we both walk away.”
His eyes close. When he speaks again, his voice is bitter. “Tony will arrange for your transport. You can go anytime you want.
My hands drop from his shoulders. “Landon...”
“No,” he interrupts. His hands come up to cup my face, ‘Whatever it is you’re looking for Rachel, I fucking hope you find it.”
He walks away, leaving me feeling as if my heart has been ripped out. I watch his retreating back, almost unable to breathe. I see someone approach him, I watch them start to talk. He laughs at something the person says, and that, to me, is like a blow. It’s as if he has already relegated me to his past.
Someone approaches me with a smiling friendly face, wanting to dance. I realize I’m still standing on the dancefloor. I shake my head and walk woodenly to the edge of the room.
Aidan is dancing with a lovely girl in a pink dress. He sees me and waves. I wave back, feeling sick.
You can leave anytime you want.
The clear dismissal replays in my mind. I watch Landon continue to navigate the room, I watch him talking and laughing. I watch as Ava approaches him and they dance a slow dance. That’s when I decide that I need to leave. I make my way to the doors, numb, moving past the few people already leaving. I make my way to the elevators, wishing as I leave the sounds of the party behind, that it was somehow possible to shed all my feelings and memories as well.
YOU can leave anytime you want.
The words follow me back to the suite. Like an evil, taunting chorus in my head.
My hands are shaking as I undress. I toss the dress and accessories in my suitcase. I don’t know what I’m going to do. I want to leave. I want to go somewhere far. Somewhere with no link at all to my life as it is now, where I would have the slightest chance of forgetting about Landon.
In the bathroom, I put on a robe and scrub the makeup off my face. My eyes stare back at me, wide and peaked, aching from the effort of trying not to cry.
We can’t work. I’d always known that. I’d known it the last time I walked away, but I’d been so weak, I’d let him draw me back into this... whatever it was we had. Now I was going to go through the hurt of losing him again. What option did I have? I couldn’t separate my emotions from the reality of our situation, just as he couldn’t be the man I wanted him to be. I could never be sure, that he was all mine.
I return to the bedroom, but I stop at the door. Across the room, Landon is standing at the doorway from the hall, looking at my suitcase on the bed. He lifts his eyes to mine, and the pain there slices through my chest. “You’re actually leaving,” he states, as if he didn’t quite believe it before.
I close my eyes. “Yes.”
A few seconds of silence pass. I imagine the party downstairs, winding down without him. I wonder if he’ll try to stop me, and if I’ll have the strength to resist him.
“When do you want to go? Tonight?” His voice is suddenly dispassionate. “Have you called Tony?”
I shake my head.
“I’ll let him know you want to leave. He’ll have a plane waiting for you for whenever you’re ready. His eyes go to my suitcase again. “Do you want me to leave?” he says, “I can arrange for another suite if you’d rather not have me around.”
