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Patti felt her cheeks flush as she tried to deny it. “No, no, it’s not like that... I mean, yes, I respect him—or at least I did—but it’s complicated.”
Her friends exchanged knowing glances, as Millie gently pressed on. “You can’t hide it, Patti. It’s okay to admit that you have feelings for Trent. In fact, it’s important to acknowledge them.”
“I don’t want to acknowledge them!” Patti said, her voice rising again. “I want to forget them, forget him, forget all of it and just get back to my normal life.”
“Sometimes,” Anita chimed in, her voice gentle yet firm. “You just have to accept that you want something that you’re ashamed of.”
Trust the romance author to come up with such irritatingly wholesome advice.
“Ugh. Fine. I find him… attractive. So what?”
“It’s scary, huh?”
That surprised her. She looked down again. Fear had become a big part of her life, ever since her mistake. “Yeah,” she said. “It’s scary.”
Millie squeezed her shoulder. “You can’t let fear hold you back, Patti.”
“But that’s not the point. He turned me down. He doesn’t want to spend more time with me. He doesn’t want me to help him. He hates me.”
“Oh,” said Anita, innocently. “So you told him how you feel?”
Patti bit her lip, contemplating her words. She was right, of course. She hadn’t told Trent how she felt about him. She hadn’t told him that she wanted him to be her Daddy, that she wanted to spend all her time with him, that she fantasized about him all day, every day.
But how was she meant to do that? It was impossible. Especially now that he’d been so mean to her.
Her silence was answer enough.
“He was cruel to you yesterday, and that’s not okay. But… he might be feeling the same thing as you.”
“Desire?” The word was faintly ridiculous, and she grinned sheepishly.
“Fear,” said Millie, a serious look in her eyes.
Patti opened her mouth to say that she doubted this very much when the door swung open and Nanny Clara re-entered with an entourage of excited Littles in her wake.
It was difficult to keep talking about anything serious after the new tranche of Littles had arrived, so Patti concentrated on trying to make the most of her time in the nursery.
Surrounded by her friends and the colorful decor, Patti tried to focus on the task at hand. Things were going well until it was her turn to come up with a game for them to play.
As soon as she had to make a decision, she felt a wave of harsh anxiety bubble up in her chest. She glanced around the room, hoping for inspiration, only to be reminded of her crippling self-doubt that had haunted her ever since she left her job in the city. What if she made a mistake? What if she picked a game that no-one wanted to play?
What if she lost all her friends because of it?
She knew that she was in no real danger, but her heart didn’t know. It pounded so hard Patti worried her chest might burst.
“Come on, Patti,” Millie encouraged, sensing her friend’s hesitance. “We’ll have fun no matter what you choose.”
Patti looked at her friends, their expectant faces only increasing the pressure she felt. She wrung her hands and bit her lip. “I... I don’t know,” she admitted quietly, her voice barely audible. “I can’t decide.”
Anita placed a comforting hand on Patti’s shoulder. “Hey, it’s okay. We all struggle sometimes.”
Patti looked up at her gratefully, but still the fear and anxiety refused to dissipate. She could feel a lump forming in her throat, making it difficult to breathe.
Millie smiled softly. “I know it’s scary,” she said quietly, “but you have to find a way to push through that fear.”
Patti nodded mutely, feeling the tears prickling at the corners of her eyes. She wanted nothing more than to let go and voice all her worries and fears, but she couldn’t bring herself to do it. She felt as if she was stuck in an endless loop of panic and uncertainty, and there didn’t seem to be any way out.
Things had been getting better hadn’t they?
