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~*~
On the way home, I got lost in my thoughts, thinking of Calvin, his brother, and the other guys. Something felt right when I talked with them, with the exception of Bryan, but at the same time, deeply rooted fears reared their ugly heads. I was used to people ignoring me unless they needed something. Or stepping out of my life and staying away. I couldn’t help but think that my time with the guys was going to be short lived. I was jealous of the relationship they had together. They were childhood friends, grew up together. And there I was, the awkward girl who couldn’t even say hi without waiting for someone to hurt her.
They were a distraction, a really bad one. But I had to admit, a very itty-bitty part of myself enjoyed their attention. I was alone most of the time and had learned to push away that loneliness. Having been accustomed to it for so long, I didn’t know what to do with people. I preferred to be alone. People never understood that being alone didn’t equate being lonely. For me, it meant being safe. Shying away from human interaction meant I didn’t need to worry about upsetting Lindie or saying something wrong. Being alone meant I was safe.
But those guys?
I’d only known them for two days, and yet for the first time, I felt freer. The moment I said goodbye and got into my car without them a wave of loneliness had washed over me.
After pulling into the driveway and turning off the ignition, I leaned back in the seat. Shit.
I rubbed my face. They were going to destroy me. I just knew it. But then doe-eyed Calvin’s face flashed through my mind, and I couldn’t help but want to get closer. Something about the kid, and about the guys, was familiar. They all felt some kind of pain to a certain degree, and they had been able to live through it. On most days, I was lucky if I was even able to get out of bed. They represented what my life could be if I could get rid of the shackles of my past.
My new house loomed over me while I sat in the car. It screamed of a future, but also of emptiness. No one was home to wait for me. It was just me and more rooms than I knew what to do with. It reminded me that my pain wasn’t over yet, that it was going to linger heavily for a very long time.
I forced myself out of the car, up the three steps onto my porch and then into the house. When I opened the door, the emptiness screamed in my face. Guilt clawed at me. Someone could have been home if I weren’t such a fuck up. I deserved this loneliness since I’d driven everyone in my family away.
Before I could move deeper inside, red flashing from my answering machine caught my attention. In this day and age, having a landline was rare, but I found having one helped with my job so that my cell phone wasn’t bombarded with clients. I kept the landline strictly to clients, and every so often a telemarketer, and so I hit play to listen to the messages.
Three of them were current clients with simple requests that I could knock out in a week. The others were people who wanted a check-in, and there was a new client.
“Hello, my name is Arden Laurens. I’m a producer currently out of Tri-Town. I’m putting together a musical and was referred to you by Ms. Hansen. She said she worked on a project with you for a play.” The man continued on with his request, his voice smooth and confident as he talked. I wrote down his information, making a mental note to contact him.
Needing a moment to unwind, I headed upstairs to my new studio and eyed everything still packed up except for the few items I had needed. It was time to open my box of the day. The closest pile of boxes called to me, and I grabbed the one on top and opened it. Photographs and awards of all the concerts and competitions I’d done. A few of them had my dad in them too.
We had been two peas in a pod until he left and never looked back. That was probably why it had hurt so much. He was a good dad, an excellent dad. He supported all my hobbies, taught me, pushed me to be the best, and helped me grow as a musician. He was also a barrier between my mother and me, since she saw the dollar signs of my talents and he’d found that unacceptable. I loved him with every fiber of my existence and thought that even though Lindie was so distant, having Daddy with me was enough.
Apparently, I was the only one who thought that way because he left and never tried to contact me again. A rush of anger surged through me, and I threw the picture frame as hard as I could. It sailed through the air before smashing against the wall and falling to the ground with a clatter, the sound of glass breaking.
I glared at the frame, trying to work through the sudden rush of anger. Why? Why did he leave me? Why didn’t he take me? Why wasn’t I good enough to go with him?
And worst of all, why had he never contacted me since the day he walked out that front door, never looking back? That hurt most of all. Plenty of parents divorced, and the kids still got birthday cards, and visits, and phone calls, and Christmas presents. All I got was the memory of his broad back as he left. All I had left of him was the face I saw when I was only ten years old. What did he look like now? Did he start growing gray hairs? Did he look older? Did he have a new family now?
Did he forget about me?
Tears burned at the back of my eyes as my nose began to itch, and I blinked furiously, trying to keep them back. I couldn’t cry over losing my dad anymore. I had learned to live without him, and it was obvious that I was going to continue to do so.
Needing to distract my mind, I grabbed the house phone and called the client, hitting each button hard. While the phone rang, I forced my body to relax as I pulled out as much professionalism as I could. Mr. Lauren’s secretary answered, and she was more than happy to send all the materials I’d need to get started. She also scheduled me for a meeting with Laurens at a later time. Once finished, instead of getting some work done like I should, I decided to go for a walk.
After grabbing a bottle of water and taking some over-the-counter pain medicine, I went outside. The heat wasn’t too bad, the evening cooling down. I headed down the road, determined to explore the area, but I didn’t make it far at all. I made it just past Seth’s house when his dog, Bebe, announced himself.
“How are you, big guy?” I asked, bending down and holding out my hand. He approached cautiously and sniffed at my hand, and when his head tapped my hand, I gave him scratches. Enjoying the attention, he came in closer. “I bet you’re having a good day, right?” I asked in a soft voice.
Bebe whined and pushed into me. I rubbed his ears and face some more, and he ate up the attention.
“Okay, big guy, I’m going to keep walking. I need to stretch my legs.”
Something was up because Bebe didn’t care. He pushed harder against me.
“Come on, you’re going to knock me back,” I said.
He pushed again, wanting more pets from me. His cold wet nose brushed against my arm as he tried to bury his head into me. I stepped back, trying to stay on my feet, but Bebe was determined. He must have forgotten how big he was and managed to push too hard.
I fell on my ass. Hard. Pain ricocheted up my spine as my teeth clacked together. I grunted, fighting back a scream as the pain spread out all along my back, all my nerve endings flaring to life. Black spots clouded my sight for a moment. Tears filled my eyes, but I managed to blink them back.
“Cadence, are you okay?” Seth asked, coming from the back of the side of the house, lightly jogging over. He frowned as he looked at me, then at Bebe.
Oh, no. Not how I wanted him to see me.
