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There was no way I was going to make it to school, so the second option was to work. No reason the entire day had to be a bust. First, I scrounged together breakfast, staring at the meager pickings and wondering when I’d be able to get to the grocery store. Breakfast ended up being instant oatmeal.
The next problem was the stairs. It was hard coming down, but going up was going to be worse. I glared at each step as I took them to the third floor and to my studio. Why did I pick a house with stairs like an idiot? Was it me holding on to hope that my injury was going to heal quickly? When I got to the top, I was tired, breathing heavily, and sweating, but functional as the pill kicked in and did its job.
I moved slowly to my piano bench and sat down, letting out a hiss of pain as I tried to find a workable position. After shifting around a lot, I settled into a position that wasn’t too painful and tried to focus on work. I hit a few keys and cringed. Everything felt dull. I hit all the keys with frustration and wanted to cry. The sounds were so lifeless to me for the moment.
Music and I had a love-hate relationship.
I truly did love music with all my heart, but days like that, with the pain as my current bosom buddy, I couldn’t help the resentment I felt.
The studio was the last place I wanted to be. I wanted to be out there. Finally free to do what I wanted, and yet I still felt caged. I should have been at school, wondering what was going to happen. Would the day have been a good one with the guys? Would Bryan and I get into another fight? Would the twins have talked to me again? Or would it have been a shitty day?
It was only the second day of school, and I felt like I was missing out on too much. What were the guys up to? If I were there, would they have been around me again like yesterday? Would I have been able to smile at their silly antics, even if it was forced?
I didn’t know. For all I knew, I’d go back tomorrow and they’d have forgotten about me. That feeling was all too real as it settled in my chest, making my breaths feel heavy.
That anxiety stayed with me as I sat in front of my piano, trying to work while my body betrayed me.
In the past, I knew for sure what would have happened. Lindie would have been at the door, glaring at me.
This is all your fault, you useless little shit.
I shook my head to rid myself of her words. Work. I needed to work. I needed to do something to ignore the pain. I needed to ignore my emotions. I needed to do this for my sanity.
Somehow, I managed to do it, getting some work done. It was slow going, but I worked through my list of jobs. The longer I worked, the more the pain receded into a dull ache, reminding me that it was just underneath the surface. If I dared to do anything my back didn’t like, it wouldn’t hesitate to remind me of its existence. I had to pause once when my fingers grew numb.
“Why am I so useless?” I whispered as I flexed my fingers, praying for the feeling to come back. Moments like these scared me the most. I dug my nail into my fingertip, blinking back tears. Nothing still. I bit my lip and tried to remind myself to breathe.
It was going to be okay.
I was going to be okay.
Thankfully, the numbness went away, and I was able to get back to work. After letting out a small sob, I blinked through my frustrations and turned back to the sheet music.
A buzzing noise broke my focus not long after that and I slouched, blinking as my concentration shattered. My body was stiff, but nothing I couldn’t deal with. It took me a few moments to realize my phone was going off. It was sitting on the stand by the piano, and I reached over, expecting my back to protest. When it didn’t, I sighed and grabbed my phone.
A slew of messages came up on the screen as I realized it was a group chat with the guys. The anxiety that had tightened my chest vanished in moments. They were still thinking about me. Why did knowing that make me feel so much better? I’d only met them days ago, and yet they were consuming my thoughts. I didn’t like this. I didn’t want to rely on them for anything. I didn’t want to bare my feelings to them. My soul couldn’t take any more rejection. It’d destroy me.
Still, unable to help myself, I smiled at their concern for me as I read through them, trying to catch up.
Paxon:Are you okay?
Justin:Feeling ok?
Toby:Shit, Candy, where the hell are you? How dare you skip school without me!
Candy? I smiled at his text. It was so Toby.
Bryan:Everyone is wondering where you are. We haven’t seen you all day.
I snorted, not believing he cared at all. I wouldn’t be surprised if he only did it because of the others.
Paxon:Cadence?
I responded to them, noticing Seth was in it too, though he hadn’t said anything yet.
Me:I’m fine. Just taking a personal day.
Toby:Personal day? Without me? Why didn’t you tell me? I want to take a personal day too.
