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“I don’t want to accept them. I’m pissed,” I snapped.
“And that’s why I feel like this is going to do you a lot of good,” he replied. “And why I really want you to stick with it this time. I know it’s not easy. Trust me. I have to go see my own therapist and own up to the demons I have in my life. I don’t want to talk about them, either, but it’s necessary for growth, and that’s what we want, right?”
I sighed. Of course, that was the right answer. But what did I want, really?
I didn’t fully know.
The way things had been going with Krissy was better than anything I could have hoped for. I was falling in love with her, and fast, too. I wanted her. I craved her. But I also knew that deep inside, I was broken. I didn’t want her to see the dark side of me. I didn’t want her to know there even was such a part of me.
I hoped by talking to a therapist, I might get some insight into dealing with that shit. The stuff comes up when I’m asleep. Or when I’m just walking down the street and see something that triggers a memory of my deployment or my K & R work.
“Can you tell me why you don’t want to feel those things?” he asked.
“Isn’t it obvious?” I replied as I gave him a look. “Think about what I’ve been through. Think about the things I’ve done and seen. Would you want to feel those things all over again? It’s bad enough I had to go through them the first time. I don’t want to go through them again.”
“Okay, that’s understandable,” he said. “So, you came to me because you are feeling all these good things, but because of the bad things you’ve experienced, something in you is saying you shouldn’t be allowed to feel good things. So, you are left conflicted. But then, you want the advice of someone who can help you through that, but you feel that therapy isn’t for you, for fear of feeling things you don’t want to feel?”
“When you say it like that, I sound crazy,” I told him with a laugh.
“I think you aren’t being honest about your feelings toward therapy,” he said.
“What do you mean?”
“Just what I said. Now, don’t get me wrong. I’m not implying that you are intentionally being deceitful. I’m challenging you to take a look at yourself and genuinely think about why you don’t want therapy. Think about what it is with therapy that makes you shy away from it. Think about the people you know who are in therapy and what you think about them,” he directed.
I paused for a moment to think about what he had said, then I shrugged.
“I don’t know anyone who goes regularly. Or, if they do, they don’t tell me about it,” I told him.
“What are your thoughts on fellow soldiers going to therapy?” he asked.
“Weak,” I said. “Pussies. They signed up for that shit, and now that they’re out they have to go talk about their feelings with someone else.”
“There we go,” he said. “I can’t help but speculate that you feel if you admit you need therapy, you’re weak. You hold a belief that you can’t be a strong person if you are in therapy.”
“I guess that’s true,” I admitted, though I was reluctant to do so.
“Do you know why you feel that way?” he prodded.
“What difference does it make?” I asked.
“It could make all the difference in the world,” he said. “If you understand your feelings, you can challenge those beliefs far better than if you just mindlessly go with the flow. I know the military does a good job of brainwashing you not to think about yourself, but you know that while they can do that to you for a time, sooner or later the thoughts and feelings will come out.”
“I don’t want them to,” I said.
“And that’s why you’re experiencing this conflict,” he told me.
“But can’t I just move on with my life?” I asked. “I told you, I’m happier now than I have been in as long as I can remember, so why do these good feelings bring out the bad with them?”
“Because you haven’t dealt with the shit buried in your closet,” he said. “If you are willing to work with me on this and unpack some of that baggage, you’re going to be better for it.”
I wasn’t so sure about that one, but then, I hadn’t been sure about signing up for this in the first place. The only reason I had was because of Krissy. I wanted to be there for her. I wanted to be the best partner I could be, and I knew as I was, that wouldn’t happen.
I had to be better, and to do that, I had to face some of the demons in my life.
“What are your thoughts?” Andrei asked.
“I’m wondering if I have to talk to my girlfriend about this,” I said. “You know she’s the reason I’m coming to you in the first place, and I’m scared. I hate to admit it, but I’m scared if she knows those things about me, she won’t see me in the same light. I don’t want that.”
