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“Not only that, but I’m very familiar with what you did on your final Navy mission and how you risked your life to save all the sailors on that ship. I still don’t know how you knew right when to pull that communication or give the orders, and I’m forever going to admire you for it,” I said.
“And you know, I can’t tell you how I knew when to do that, either,” Neils replied. “It was a matter of running off pure instinct and playing my cards right. I’m a gambling man by nature, which is why I knew from early on that I was cut out for military service. But my gambles are heavily tainted when I have to risk other lives along with my own.”
“You know, if you hadn’t made that call, you would have died along with everyone else on that boat. That submarine was coming for you. I don’t care what anyone else says. They can play it off as being a misunderstanding or something that took place in international waters, but anyone who knows anything about it knows that there’s no way that sub made that big of a mistake. Absolutely no way in hell,” I said with a shake of my head.
“And it’s that very fact that kept my head level enough to make the call when I did,” Neils said. “I knew if I did nothing, then there were men on that ship that were going to never see their families again. My best friend was on that ship. Erin’s father. I wasn’t about to let him go down.”
I shook my head once more. “Even more respect for you there. And is he still around here?”
“He lives up in the Carolinas,” Neils told me. “He comes down often enough, though. His daughter, best friend, and grandkids are down here now.”
“I take it you must have been married before?” I asked. “Not to pry, but Libby is a bit old for Erin to be her mother.”
Neils laughed at this. “Just a bit. Yes. I was married but lost my wife in a car accident when Libby was eight years old. She was in that accident herself. Hit by a drunk. That’s why she’s got those scars.”
“I wondered. She’s a beautiful girl. You must be very proud,” I said.
“I am,” he replied with a nod. “I’m beyond proud of her, and now I have a son, too.”
“You are a lucky man,” I told him. “You have a great family right here with you.”
“From what it looks like, you are on the verge of one yourself,” Neils said. “I see you and Krissy really have hit it off together. I know Krissy well enough now that she’s spent as much time here as she has, and she’s a great girl. I hope you make her happy.”
“I hope I can,” I said.
“I know what you mean on that one,” Neils said with a nod.
I gave him a grateful look. “Please, tell me how you have managed with Erin. And with kids. I just can’t imagine being what they need after all that I’ve said and done with my life. I can’t imagine being a good parent when I struggle with so many demons in my world.”
“And those demons never leave,” Neils told me. “But I’ll tell you one thing, you pulled off that mission and saved that little girl. That is something I will forever raise a bottle to you for.”
“Don’t even bring that up,” I replied bitterly. “It wasn’t anything for me to be proud of, and when I think about it, I get sick to my stomach.”
“You saved that girl’s life,” he told me again. “If it wasn’t for you, she would have been killed that day, along with the others.”
“And no one had to die that day,” I said. “It was a fucked-up situation, and it haunts me. It will forever haunt me.”
“Do you ever have any contact with the girl you saved?” Neils asked.
“No,” I said with a shake of my head. “No. It had been offered. But I didn’t want it. I’m sure it would be more traumatizing to her to have to relive that by being in contact with me than it would be for her to just get through it. She did write me a nice letter of thanks afterward, but you know how that feels. I understand she sees me as a hero, but I can tell you right now I feel like the exact opposite of any hero.”
“You need to work on that. You need to let it go,” Neils told me. “And that’s coming from another SEAL. I’m not a role model for how to handle your shit. My demons are very real, and there are days when I am so thankful for Erin and the fact she grounds me the way she does. But I’m telling you, it’s your mind you’re dealing with, and anything you can do to help your mind out will do wonders.”
“Even for Krissy?” I asked.
“Especially for Krissy. I see the way she looks at you. That girl loves you, and I know you don’t think you deserve it, and you’re afraid you won’t be there for her the way you want to be. But I’m also telling you it’s a fight. We fought when we were in the service, and now we have to fight a whole new set of monsters. But when you have someone who loves you, someone like Krissy like I have Erin, then you have someone who is worth fighting for, even if you can’t see it in yourself,” he said.
I nodded. “Thank you. I didn’t know you were aware of that K & R mission or the things that went on while I was there. What you said just now means the world to me. Really. Thank you.”
“Get some help if you haven’t already,” Neils told me. “Focus on what you want in life. It’s not anything that will be handed to you. You have to fight for it. But that’s what we do, right? We’re fighters.”
“Right,” I said.
“Do you think I should tell her?” I asked.
“Who?”
“Do you think I should tell Krissy the things I have been through?”
