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“Let go of me; let go!” I yelled. “What are you doing? Let go!”
He opened the front door and threw me out.
I screamed as he did, expecting to hit the ground. But instead of landing on the walkway outside his bungalow, the ground wasn’t there. It was just darkness that seemed to go on forever and ever. I tried to grab something, I tried to slow my fall, but there wasn’t anything but the dark around me, and I had no idea how far I was falling.
Until I hit the bottom.
I wasn’t hurt.
I bounced.
I opened my eyes and looked around, my heart racing.
It was then that I realized I was still in bed. I was in the guest condo at Erin’s house, and there wasn’t anyone in the bed with me. It was then that the events of the night before came flooding back, and I realized the nightmare I had came from the fight that we’d had before I went to bed.
Gavin was gone. He was pissed at me, and he left. I felt terrible for learning what I did about him without his permission, and I felt stupid for treating him differently because of it. I knew it had to be hard for him to have people baby him over things that he wanted to forget, but I also felt bad that he felt so violated.
I had to talk to him, but he was probably back home by now, and I was going to have to tell Erin and Neils what happened. I dreaded that conversation, too, unsure of whether they had heard him leaving the night before. I couldn’t decide what was worse— if they had heard him leave and would already know that I was alone, or if I had to explain the whole story when I went in for breakfast.
My alarm went off, and I headed to the shower. There, all of the painful emotions hit me. I didn’t want to break up with him. That hadn’t been my intention when I watched him leave last night. I figured the space would do us some good, but I was now terrified that it was the end of our relationship.
And I felt I was the one to blame.
I cried in the shower, then I took my time getting dressed and ready for the day. My eyes were still red from my tears when I went into the main condo for breakfast, and with the way the conversation was cheerful and flowing, I got the impression no one in the house knew what had happened to me the night before.
“Good morning, sunshine!” Erin called out. “Where’s Gavin?”
“He left,” I said.
It was as though someone had pulled the cord out of the plug on the party. Everyone stopped talking and looked at me as though I’d lost my mind.
“What do you mean he left?” Erin asked. “Is everything okay?”
“No,” I said with a shake of my head. I fought back tears, and she hurried over to me, wrapping her arms around me.
“Oh honey, what’s wrong? What happened?” she asked.
“He thought I was acting weird last night, and he kept asking me and asking me why I was being so nice to him. I didn’t think I was even being that nice. But he would not let up with it, so I told him I knew about what happened to him on his last mission. That was all I said besides telling him that I thought he was a real hero, and he got pissed at me.”
“He did?” Erin asked, her tone compassionate.
“Yes,” I said with a small nod. “Like, he flew off the handle. Said that this whole thing was effed up and that he was stupid to trust me and everything. Went off saying that he didn’t want me to know that and that he didn’t want me to be different to him because of it. I didn’t mean to act strange. I just wanted to show him that I loved him.”
“Shh, shh, it’s okay,” Erin said as I sobbed. “It’s okay. He left last night in his car, right?”
“Of course. That was how we got here, and he told me I could ask one of you guys for a ride home. He was such an asshole about it. He said that if you needed any gas money, then he would be happy to give you some. That’s not the point,” I managed to say between sobs.
“He’s upset,” Erin told me. “I’m sure he didn’t know how to take the flood of emotions that ran through him last night, and the only thing he could think to do in the moment was to get up and leave. That doesn’t mean anything other than he wanted to have some time alone. Your relationship isn’t over because of that, trust me.”
“I don’t know what else to think,” I sobbed. “No one has ever walked out on me like that when it wasn’t the end of a relationship. I just, I don’t know. I feel so stupid. But I knew I was being distant toward him over the whole thing, and I wanted to show him I was with him for good. That I wasn’t having any second thoughts and that I wanted to be his. But then I had to open my big mouth and tell him that the whole reason I felt that way was because of his last mission, which wasn’t how I meant it.”
“It’s okay,” she told me.
“Don’t blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault that he left. It’s not your fault that he reacted the way he did, either. You were doing your best to be there for him, but you need to figure out what that means in your relationship with him,” she said.
“I just wish I’d not done it at all,” I sobbed.
“What’s done is done, and now all we can do is move on from it,” Erin replied. “Come on, let’s have breakfast, then I’m going to drive you back home right away. I’m sure you want to get to the bottom of things with him, and it’s not going to be any fun for you here if you’re just worried about how that’s going to go.”
