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I stare at him in silence with my heart racing. He sounds more upset about the depletion of his magic than about all those people he killed. Not to mention all the others he’d been planning to kill in the future. Even after Bren had shown his true colours by trying to kill me, I’d been clinging on to the hope that Gabriel had either been exaggerating or mistaken about my brother’s Dome plans and degree of comfort with murder, but I was wrong. Now, at least, the family have left him too weak to pull it off. There’s a strictly limited amount of trouble he could ever cause with the relatively small amount of power I’ve left him.
I walk out of the room without another word.
Afterwards, Mum cooks a roast. We sit and eat as a family, minus Bren, who gets a tray taken up to him.
Despite everything, it’s somehow not awkward, even though we all know it’s a farewell meal.
TWENTY-SIX
I drive the Jag back out to Thornber Manor first thing the next morning. My suitcase is packed and in the back. I’ve said my goodbyes to the family.
There’s a part of me that’s longing to stay, for all sorts of reasons. I love Mannith. I love my family. But I can’t stay here, knowing what I know. I can’t be a committed member of the family, knowing what they do. I don’t need to compartmentalise quite as fully as I used to. I’m going to stay in touch, continue to rebuild our relationships. Eventually, I hope I’ll even be able to visit… but for now, I need to stay away and keep my distance. It’s that or be entirely sucked back into a life I can’t justify.
And that’s just the family side of things. As I’m going to have to tell him, all that goes double for Gabriel.
Gabriel’s waiting outside when I pull up, pacing back and forth across the gravel driveway. It’s not clear whether he sensed my arrival or whether he’s been there all night. I park his beloved car carefully.
“Come and sit next to me,” I insist. “I’ve always found cars to be the best place for a difficult conversation.”
“Is this going to be a particularly difficult conversation?” He slides in beside me.
“I think so.”
I put on some music then stare fixedly at the dashboard while my hands tap out a discordant rhythm on the steering wheel. “Let me get one thing straight. I love you, and I believe you love me. It’s sudden and it’s irrational, but that doesn’t make it any less true. I don’t know whether it’s matching souls and auras or a reaction to each other’s chemical compounds. Maybe there’s no real difference between the two concepts. Either way, when I look at you, I want to tear off your clothes, and be held by you, and tell you all my secrets and worries, and build a life together, us against the world.”
He puts a hand on my knee. “Oh God, Sadie. I can’t believe I’m hearing these words from you. You’ve said exactly what I was thinking.” He puts his other hand on my shoulder and draws me in for a kiss.
Everything I’ve just said is true. As a result, it takes every ounce of resolve I have to push him back.
“Let me finish. Whatever love is, I feel it for you. And I lust after you, too, because you’re gorgeous and weirdly charismatic. But there’s nothing in between. I don’t like you. I barely know you. And I’m not convinced you could give me any objective explanations for why you like me either.”
Gabriel’s grip on my knee tightens. “How can you say that?”
I close my eyes. If I look at him, I’m not going to be able to finish this little speech. “Perhaps when it comes to the dispute between my family and yours, you’re secretly on the side of the angels. But you’ve still done some awful things to me. Liens and Greenfire and Leah and who-knows-what else. And all the stuff you told me about how you’ve plotted to get me physically and emotionally closer to you isn’t romantic, it’s unhinged.”
Every word is absolutely fair, but saying them aloud is breaking my heart.
“Your love is wonderful,” I conclude. “But it’s not enough.”
Gabriel rests his head on the dashboard. “Sadie, I might have gone about all of this the wrong way, but you’re wrong if you think my feelings for you are just some idea Mum put into my head. You’re gorgeous. You’re clever. Confident. Funny. You stand by your family and your values, but you’re not afraid to be ruthless when you really need to be. We never run out of things to say to each other. And our chemistry is off the chart.
“Just tell me you’ll be mine, and then I’ll be yours, and there’ll be no more need for any of this scheming or any of my more over-the-top gestures. And my family and yours are going to be allied now. So there’ll be no plotting in that direction either.”
I could imagine it all too well. Living with him here at Thornber Manor. Sex. Long conversations. Honing our magic and growing together. Visiting my family and working together with them. Operating as a lawyer out of Leeds, because even in the wilder reaches of my imagination, there’s no way I’m giving that up. In due course, babies with beautiful faces, glowing eyes, and extraordinary amounts of power. Loving and being loved.
I sit up straight, turn to face him, and place a hand on his chest like I’m about to do a magic transfer. “It’s not like flicking a switch, Gabriel. I don’t believe you can act like you have for years and then suddenly start being perfectly reasonable. I’m scared that when things don’t go according to your grand plan, you’ll try to force them in that direction, through magic or manipulation.”
“Just give me a chance.”
I nod. “I’m going back to London this afternoon. I’m making zero commitment to you about what happens after that. I will not say I’m yours until I understand more about who you are. Stay in touch. Be my friend instead of my enemy. Be flirtatious instead of obsessive.”
“I don’t know whether I can manage that. It’s not quite the way I am with anyone. And when I’m with you, my brain short-circuits. When I’m apart from you, I feel like something’s missing.”
“I know. I feel the same way. But you’re going to have to try. It’s that or draw a line under this whole thing and never speak again.”
He reaches into his shirt and pulls the ring out again. “I’ll try. But I want you to take this. Not as an engagement ring. Just as a token.”
I swallow hard. “A token of what? You’re really failing at the first hurdle here.”
