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My mom was right. I was settled, Peyton too. I was happy. I had two men who’d stolen my heart. They easily got along with my brother and his partners. My mom was here making everything better.
I had my family. I had my friends and my lovers. I had the people who meant the most to me under one roof.
When my eyes finally started to slip closed, I drifted off with a smile on my lips.
19
DEXEN
“What the fuck is wrong with you?”
I glanced up from my phone screen to find Xaiden staring at me from where he was lounging on the sectional in my living room. “Huh?”
“You’re all twitchy and shit.”
“I’m not twitchy.” It was a lie and we both knew it. I’d been at the club this afternoon and headed home before the dinner rush. I was due at the fortress soon. I still couldn’t believe I was calling it that. Everyone else did but still. It made it seem like some big reinforced medieval stone building.
My nerves were all over the place. I was fine when I had dinner there on Wednesday. Now it was days later, and it was like none of it happened. I was back to being unsure, worried, wondering if it was going to fall apart.
I told Greer and JJ I was done drinking like I had before. I meant it, but damn if my hand didn’t itch to grab a bottle to calm these emotions inside me.
“Want me to go with you?”
Every muscle in me froze. Did he just… But he never… Why would he… “What?” I finally got my body to unlock so I could turn to my brother.
He shrugged. “I’ll go if it’ll make you feel better.”
“Why would you voluntarily want to have dinner with us?”
It wasn’t that Xaiden didn’t like people, he was fine when he had to interact with them at the gym, but he liked his quiet time. Unless…
“Xaiden, what’s going on?”
“Nothing.” He looked down at his hands where they held his phone.
I stepped close, stood in front of him, lifting his legs and dropping them to the floor so I could sit down. “Talk to me.”
His eyes met mine. “You first.”
If I wanted Xaiden to open up, he had to get something in return. “I love them. Greer and JJ.”
“Yeah and?”
“What do you mean, yeah and?”
“You’ve loved JJ since you met him. That didn’t go away because you two split up. It was brutal on you. I never want to see you in pain like that again. But you never stopped loving him.”
Instead of trying to deny it because I couldn’t, I asked, “What about Greer?”
“You didn’t want to love him, but he got under your skin. How could he not? He’s a giant teddy bear, who can kill with his bare hands. Okay, so maybe not a teddy bear. You get my point. Even I love Greer, just in a different way. You had a relationship with him, even though you won’t admit it. Sure, you were fucking. It was more to him and I’m sure it was to you too.” He was right.
“What if it happens again?”
Xaiden sat up and clapped me on the shoulder. “Greer would sooner rip his own arm off than hurt someone he loves. And JJ, you might argue with him. You two might clash, but it’ll be worth it.He’sworth it. As much as you want to, you can’t turn your feelings off. Believe me, if there was a way, I’d have done it.” I opened my mouth to speak but he put his hand up. “This isn’t about me. You’re restless because going there tonight, having dinner with them again as a family, it scares you. You want to be a part of it but at the same time, you’re guarding yourself from something that probably won’t ever happen.”
“You don’t know it won’t.”
“You’re right. But if you could have one month of loving these men and losing them or a lifetime without them, would you really choose never to have known them, touched them, let them care for you?”
