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The road I follow never stops.
For once I walked without a thought,
I didn’t know that I was meant to find you.
I felt your gaze,
our fingers brushed,
our souls were bound by love and lust.
“My heart stumbles and falls at your feet,
Terrified I run from you,
"I’m not ready, I'm incomplete!"
You never hesitate, you pull me back,
Helpless I watch as my defenses crack.
"I don't need you to be happy!"
My lies are empty words,
You see right through -
You know damn well,
I’m nothing without you.
* * *
Logan wonderedif the words had been inspired by someone important in Sammy’s life. The implied meaning touched something deep in his own heart. The verses sounded like they had been chipped away directly from Sammy’s soul. He looked at the young photographer, thinking how brave he was to wear his heart on his sleeve like that.
He didn’t know why the next words out of his mouth were, “Your parents must be very proud of you.” He rolled his eyes when Sammy’s face dropped a bit.Why am I so freaking weird around him? He’s not a child!He cupped his face in his hands, then shook his embarrassment off and braved a look at Sammy, “I’m sorry. I honestly don’t know what’s up with me today. I would like to say, I’m not usually this weird, but…it’s been a while since I’ve had company.”
Sammy gave him a very forgiving kind smile, and reached for him, clasping his arm.
“My parents passed away a long time ago. I don’t know if they would've been proud of me, but I should like to think we would’ve been able to have a civil relationship, if nothing else. I have an older sister, but we’re not close.”
Logan was mortified and all he could think to do to respond was to clasp Sammy’s hand on his arm. “I'm sorry about your parents.”
“It's okay, Logan. It happened a long time ago.”
Before he could think about what he was saying, he asked, “Do you miss them sometimes?”
Sammy was clearly caught off guard by his question. Logan was just as startled by his own words, but he didn’t look away from Sammy this time and the moment stretched between them. Sammy’s breathing suddenly went ragged and without much thought, Logan pulled him in for a tight hug. Sammy was furiously wiping at the unexpected silent tears, that just wouldn’t go away. Logan felt his arms go around his waist and hold on to him tight, his shoulders shaking lightly with quiet sobs.
When Sammy settled some moments later, Logan let him pull away first. He wiped his face on his sleeve and Logan had to suppress a laugh, because there was still a faint trace of eyeliner there. He couldn’t just ignore it, but instead of simply telling Sammy about it, he grabbed a few tissues from the box of Kleenex on the table, dabbed them in his water glass and leaned closer to pick up the bits of eyeliner and mascara. He had been absentmindedly dabbing at the corners of Sammy’s right eye, when he realized what he was doing and froze on the spot. Sammy had tipped his face up, surprisingly allowing him to touch him in this intimate way.
If Logan had half a mind, he should probably stop and hand over the tissues to Sammy, but looking into his deep brown eyes, now sad and tired, he just let the moment take him away and cleaned both sides of his face gently.
When he was done, he dispatched the tissues in the bin under the sink and went back to cooking. Shortly after, he could hear Sammy typing away on his laptop and he wondered if he should apologize for asking him the intrusive question about his parents. They were strangers after all, even if they were stuck together for the time being. He looked over his shoulder and smiled when Sammy looked up from his laptop with a small leer on his lips. Logan couldn’t help but beam back and he felt whatever measly scraps of resistance he had slip away under the sway of Sammy’s presence.
Sammy cleared his things when Logan was done cooking, and then set the table. Logan enjoyed listening to Sammy tell him about his more memorable traveling stories and was grateful the other man didn’t press him too hard when he in turn gave him vague answers about his own experiences. He was still adamant he wanted to hold on to their easy banter and refused to allow Sammy to feel sorry for him in any way. If anything, after what he had discovered about Sammy, he refused this night to be about anything else but Sammy.
The things he wasn’t saying but were glaringly obvious – that he had been lonely, that the validation of his family, he had lost so abruptly, had meant something to him. Perhaps he wasn’t ready to admit it to himself, but although his whole spiel was all about following his vibes and just taking on jobs that he enjoyed, rather than those that paid well, he was making sure people didn’t take him all that seriously intentionally. It felt like he made sure he didn’t set himself up for disappointment when he thought he wouldn’t be cherished, appreciated or loved.
