AllFreeNovel
Share Us
The police car was long gone, but Logan just stood there in the cold, completely stunned. Morpheus was by his side, even if he was certain, he wasn’t having a panic attack. Not yet. He was just gutted and so sad. He had no idea what to do with himself. When he finally went back inside his teeth were chattering, and his skin was raw from standing outside. He didn’t want to go back upstairs, where Sammy’s scent would no doubt be still lingering in his bed.
He tossed a few bits of wood in the fireplace and sat on the floor with Morpheus huddled over his knees, allowing Logan to hold on to him tight for comfort. The large dog nuzzled Logan’s face and licked his quiet tears away. This is how the entire day drifted away and he couldn’t bring himself to care he was falling deeper into something that would grow way more dangerous if it went unchecked.
He should have had more guts and asked Sammy to stay. He should have told him about Sophy and Jordan. Or maybe he shouldn’t have spent so much time with the other man, letting himself imagine that Sammy might actually like him. What if last night, he had simply scared Sammy shitless with his panic attack and the younger man had felt so sorry for him, he had allowed Logan to kiss him? Like Logan was some perverted insane monster, living so isolated, he had perhaps lost any and all idea at what it felt and looked like when another person truly consented to be touched in an intimate way.
This could be the only explanation, he told himself, as Sammy had bolted out of the house, like his life depended on getting into the police cruiser. He didn’t even look at him. Maybe he was scared Logan would stop him from making his escape. Maybe Logan was so fucked in the head he had imagined Sammy smiling and laughing and enjoying his company.
It was getting dark when he finally pushed off the floor and made his way to the kitchen.
He made himself a cup of tea and got his pills out. He tipped them all in his palm. Just three days’ worth. It wasn’t nearly enough. He took one and put the rest back in the tinted plastic container.
* * *
Monday morning rolled around,and he had to put his best foot forward to keep his nerves at bay. Last time his plans had gotten foiled because he had become too emotional, but this time he would pull it off. He had to.
Dave came by much earlier in the morning than they had arranged, with all of his supplies organized neatly in boxes. His friend had given him a sheepish smile and Logan couldn’t help but think how young Dave looked, even if they were the same age. His friend was the complete polar opposite to his dark hair and thick stubble. He was fair, with dirty blond hair and hazel eyes, big-boned, tall frame – just a gentle giant with ruddy cheeks, towering over Logan by at least ten inches. He looked more like a large child, rather than a grown man with his own business and a family.
Dave always did this, using every inch Logan gave him, so he could have time to talk to him longer and hang out. They had fallen in easy conversation about everything new at his work and about his family while Logan was stocking the shelves of the pantry and sorting through the stuff that needed to go in the freezer, ignoring the wistful looks Morpheus was giving the packets of steaks and chicken breasts.
Dave was catching him up on the small-town gossip. “You remember that girl from high school, with the big tits, and the shaved head?” His friend wagged his eyebrows and Logan couldn’t help but chuckle.
“The one who came to school wearing garter belts over her skirt as a protest about the sexist dress code?”
“Yeah, that one. She just started teaching Sex Ed in the same school!”
Logan chuckled. “For real?! That’s hilarious. She’ll either be a trailblazer for change, or this will quickly turn into a big fucking shit show.” The principal was the same. He was probably a million years old, and so was most of the faculty. Logan wondered what had brought this rebellious girl back to this little town.
“I know, right? That’s what Stef thinks too.”
Logan smiled. “How is she?”
“She’s tired. The little one is teething, and it’s been a struggle. He’s in that stage where everything is ‘Mommy’, and he doesn’t want to have anything to do with me, so I’m practically useless when it comes to settling him.”
Logan chuckled. “Yeah, I remember going through that phase with Jordan.”
Dave went quiet and Logan didn’t have to turn around and face his friend to know he was suddenly feeling uncomfortable. He sighed and did it anyway.
“Dave, you can talk about your child, and I can remember mine. We don’t have to…I don’t want you to feel like you are constantly walking on fucking eggshells. Our conversations don’t need to be a minefield of topics you feel you must avoid soIdon’t fall apart.”
“I just…I don’t want to say the wrong thing and push you away. I know I’m being selfish here, but I miss you.”
Logan leaned in for a one-arm hug and held on to Dave for a long moment, before releasing him. He gave Dave’s arm a light squeeze and said, “I’m almost done organizing the pantry. As soon as I dump this stuff in the freezer, we can get going. Let’s get this shitty doctor’s appointment over with. Then we can go buy some ridiculously sugar-packed dessert for Stef. Sounds like she could definitely use the sugar rush.”
* * *
Goingin for his appointment made him feel like he was about to crack and backtrack on his plan. He may have despised seeing Dr. Sharon Montgomery, but she knew her shit and had many years of experience. Logan wasn’t stupid, either. He had to work hard to maintain his determination and stick to his decision. He won’t allow to be swayed and convinced otherwise. The fact that he had to play a fine line and keep his cool together in front of the doctor unnerved him.
She always had this flat expression. Like no matter what he was saying, it was all the same to her. Of course, he knew that’s how she was supposed to act, but it still made him feel that none of the information he gave her made her think of him any differently. He could cry about his little girl, or talk about being so depressed he couldn’t even bring himself to masturbate, and she would just nod and take some notes and ask him the ridiculously cliché question,“And how does that make you feel?”
He felt a little bit braver this time, as Dave was with him. The month before his mother had insisted on coming with him, in some ridiculous hopes, the doctor would actually allow her to be present for their conversation or would disclose to her if she thought Logan was going to try and kill himself again.
That was the only time Logan had been glad Dr. Sharon Montgomery was exactly the person who she was, as she had swiftly lectured his mother on how unhealthy her behavior was, especially regarding Logan’s recovery. She had flat-out refused to speak to her further about her son and had thrown her out of the waiting room, but not before she had sternly advised her, never to accompany Logan to her office again. She had also never discussed the incident in particular with him but had encouraged him to talk about his mother if he needed to.
Truth be told, he didn’t want to talk about anything on his way in, but there he was, twenty minutes in, telling Dr. Sharon Montgomery all about Sammy. Telling her every single detail he could recall about the other man. For some bizarre reason, her flat reaction, to telling her he had kissed Sammy, who was a man, meaning he was disclosing something important about his own sexuality that he had never mentioned before, and nobody else knew of, kind of gave him comfort. Not that he would have cared all that much about what other people thought anyway. His life had already been ruined. There was nothing worse that could happen to him in the future, that could top what already had come to pass, including hostility about coming out as bisexual.
At the end of his retelling, when he told her about Sammy leaving, and she said, “And how did that make you feel?” he was quick to counter, out of sheer annoyance.
“How doyouthink it made me feel?” He sucked in a deep breath and blinked fast a couple of times feeling his eyes get just a tad too watery for his liking. There he was, ruining his own carefully curated plans.
