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She made a short note, and for a moment, the comical thought that she might just be doodling there on her large pad almost made him chuckle. Was she even fucking listening to him, or did she just repeat the same question, alerted only by the fact that he had stopped talking?
She didn’t take the bait and just waited for him to get his shit together and answer her question.
“Watching him leave made me feel like Sophy died all over again and I was just standing there fucking useless and helpless to stop it from happening again. It makes me feel like I will never have anything remotely close to intimacy with another person, emotional or otherwise. I’m angry because until this past week, I thought the need for it had completely died with Sophy, and now that I know ithas not, andit isvery much real, I feel hopeless and alone.”
Well, he sure as shit wasn’t getting his way after unloading that heavy load on the good doctor’s table. She scribbled something quickly then, closed the pad and filed it away in her drawer behind her desk. She brought her prescription pad over and wrote him a slip. He frowned when she handed it over.
“Are you serious?”
“Yes.”
“I would have to come back in one week. That’s fucking ridiculous!”
“I’m sorry you feel that way, Logan.”
“Why are you doing this?”
She never even hesitated. “Given your current emotional state, I don’t think it’s wise to give you access to a larger dose. I’m not yet fully convinced you would necessarily try and hurt yourself, but I wish to see you more often over the holidays for observation. This is a difficult time for you and if last year’s incident is any indication––”
“It was a fucking accident! I forgot to––”
“Logan, stop.”
He was panting and frantically started looking around the room. He heard Morpheus barking outside clawing at the door. The doctor walked over to the front of her office and let him in. He settled on the floor between Logan’s thighs. Morpheus had gotten himself banned from Dr. Montgomery’s office after he had peed on her carpet. Logan suspected it was in retaliation to a conversation that had upset him enough to cause a panic attack. He was now to wait outside, but as soon as he was needed, he was allowed back in immediately. A long moment passed and when his breathing was settled, he put the creased slip of paper in his pocket, then forced himself to look the psychiatrist in the eyes. She just went on, as if nothing had happened.
“Please make sure you book an appointment on your way out. Make it for next Monday, same time if it works for you.”
Logan nodded and let himself out.
Dave was in the waiting room, and he was grateful his friend was kind enough to just tell him, he’d be waiting in the car without asking him why Morpheus had dashed to the doctor’s office. Logan booked his appointment for next week and went to get his meds from the in-hospital pharmacy.
The pharmacist did a double take on his prescription. They both knew what it meant when the dose went from thirty to seven, with zero previous indication for a decrease. It sure as shit didn’t mean he was cured for the holidays. The woman behind the counter wasn’t shy to give him a once-over, after she handed him over his packed order, and he was getting his card out of his wallet to pay for it. She looked at him, like she was playing a game in her head, wondering how he would do it now, if the good doctor had foiled his plans with the pills.
* * *
He could tellDave was worried in the car, but Logan was already eager to stop thinking about what had happened in the hospital. He insisted on getting takeout instead of Dave cooking. He didn’t say it, but he didn’t want to be any more of an inconvenience than he already was. He was well aware, even if his friend had conveniently neglected to mention it, that Dave must have left someone else in charge at the car repair service he owned so he could spend the day running errands with him.
They stopped at this steak house he used to love going to with Sophy and Jordan. He glanced at their regular table. He wasn’t sure what he had expected to see there. A guy was sitting on his usual spot, maybe a trucker, eating a burger and reading an old magazine. He got the order and went back to the car, where Dave and his bestest buddy Morpheus were shamelessly giving each other kisses. It was ridiculous how much the two loved each other, and it made Logan feel a profound sense of relief, that Morpheus would be well looked after.
Going back to Dave’s, and Stef opening the door with the little boy on her hip threw him off big time. He had no idea how he would feel about visiting his friend’s home for dinner, but in the end, he could honestly say he had enjoyed himself.
Stef and Dave’s relationship was pretty much the carbon copy of Sophy and Logan’s. Childhood sweethearts they were easy with each other and fun to be around. Dave had moved away when his parents got divorced when he was just ten. When his mom had passed away from cancer, he came back to live with his dad, finishing the last two years of high school back in their hometown. He and Stef had reconnected, and the rest was history.
Stef was indeed tired and after Logan helped Dave set the table, she sat down, declaring she was starving. Only the little one had other plans and kept stopping her from eating her meal. Logan didn’t even think when he reached for him and took him in his arms. The little boy cupped his face with his chubby little hands and rubbed his stubble curious about what Logan’s face felt like. Dave was a classic baby face and couldn’t grow a beard to save his life. Both his friends had gone quiet for a moment, but then Stef just said, “Thank you, Logan,” and the awkward moment was over.
He watched them talk to each other during their meal. Dave softly murmured something in Stef’s ear that made her laugh and blush. Even though she was tired and probably hadn’t had a decent sleep in months, Stef was still as radiant and kind looking as always. She was tiny next to Dave, just under five feet, but just as equally fair as her husband, hence why baby Jackson looked like he had been delivered straight from the Scandinavian embassy. For such a tiny woman, Stef could really eat, and she enjoyed it too. Looking at her smashing through a pile of ribs made him chuckle, as it reminded him of other times they hand hung out together.
He didn’t tell them about Sammy, and it was obvious they hadn’t been imagining he would be seeing anyone either, because the topic of Logan possibly dating never came up. They dished more gossip. Logan considered asking Dave about the guy he had spoken on the phone to when he tried to get someone from the police station to pick up Sammy from his home. He quickly dismissed the idea, because then he would have to tell them the whole story, and he didn’t have the nerve to dive into that whatsoever.
Instead, he listened intently as Stef complained about some arguments with her family regarding her decision to go back to work after Jackson turned one. Logan had to roll his eyes at this, as it had been a big struggle for her pretty much throughout her entire adulthood.
Her parents were so old-school, they thought Dave should support them while she stayed at home and looked after the millions of kids, they imagined she should have. The fact she had opted to complete her higher education and establish herself in her career as a social worker, choosing to have children in her thirties, was still something they made passive aggressive comments about.
Together they commiserated on the fact, that in the small tight-knitted community they lived in, for better or for worse, everyone was sticking their nose in everyone else’s business, no matter how many times they were kindly told not to.
* * *
When he got homewith Morpheus, his buddy settled by the fireplace, his tail tapping impatiently on the hardwood floor, as if to say,C’mon man, I’m freezing my balls here.Logan chuckled to himself, thinking,Buddy, you haven’t had balls in years.
