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Sammy handed him one of the prints. He looked so happy and proud, but Logan couldn’t break free from the bitterness that had taken hold of him.
“Look, I finished it and then I got some express copies made. Do you like it?” He looked so open and vulnerable, so beautiful and trusting. Like all he wanted was for Logan to tell him he was proud of him, and he just couldn’t fucking open his mouth. Sammy went on smiling softly at him. “I can’t start printing it yet. I still need your permission for the images, but I am so excited. I know it’s silly, but I think I’m so proud of it because I thought of you the whole time while I was putting it together.”
His lovely words slid down the nauseating fear he was experiencing but they were unable to penetrate through the dark self-loathing thoughts swirling in his head, drowning out all reason. Sammy leaned in to kiss him, and Logan felt himself stiffen then pull away. It was like his body was being controlled by his irrational fears, while his mind was trapped inside, screaming for him to wake the fuck up and get a grip. He was helpless and horrified, and yet that didn’t stop the words from tumbling out of his mouth,
“Is this why you came back? To get me to sign something so you can go on with your project?”
Sammy froze startled by his unexpected outburst. To his credit, he quickly recovered, and although he was clearly disappointed and hurt, he still reached for him, “Logan... don't do this. You know why I came back.”
“Just for this?”
“Of course not, you can’t possibly think ––”
Logan didn’t wait for him to finish. Instead, he tossed the books back in the box, startling Sammy with his abrupt behavior. He hated himself for every single move he made but couldn’t stop himself.
“I don't want you here. Please leave.” It was barely a whisper, but he could see Sammy wince as if he had slapped him. When he didn't move, he repeated, his voice shaky, “Please leave.”
Sammy got up and backed away slowly. Logan could feel his eyes on him, but he was too much of a coward to face him, so he just stood there and refused to look up or say anything else.
Sammy let out a strangled sigh and left his home. He could hear the car hurriedly back out from the driveway and started bawling his eyes like a fucking idiot.
* * *
He draggedhimself to the kitchen and got his phone, plugged it in to charge and refused to overthink his next move too much lest he talked himself out of it. He called Dave.
His friend didn't ask him why Logan needed him to come over. He was there in less than thirty minutes and let Logan fall apart and talk about everything he had been suppressing. The things he told his psychiatrist even though she had nothing to offer him in return. Dave had listened, and it broke Logan's heart his friend was holding himself still so he wouldn't betray his emotions. Especially after Logan told him exactly what he had been planning on doing on the day Sammy had returned to him.
He was humiliated but humbled enough by Dave's patience to admit he had made his plans before visiting him and Stef. He told him how calm he had felt about the whole thing and cringed at his own admissions but powered through not wanting to lie to his friend anymore.
If Dave was disappointed and hurt by his actions, he did a good job of hiding it. After Logan was done talking, he just hugged him and said to him, “Thank you for reaching out. I'm always here, man. Any fucking time, for any fucking reason, I got you. All you have to do is call me.”
Logan had just nodded.
Dave startled him with his blunt question, “Were you really going to go through with it?”
“Would you believe me if I said no?”
Dave sighed then leaned back in his seat on the couch. “No, but I’ll be rethinking my answer every day until I do.”
Logan couldn't argue with that.
Dave leaned in and clasped his shoulder. “Just tell me what you need, man. What can I do to be there for you?”
“This is perfect. It's more than I ––”
“Stop. You deserve this and more. You deserve to be happy. You deserve to continue living without constantly questioning your worth.” He swallowed hard, and Logan knew he was trying to keep it together for his sake. “If anything, ever happened to Stef and Jackson...I don't think I would deal with it as well as you have.”
Logan opened his mouth to protest but Dave raised his hand and stopped him. “But one thing I know for sure, you would have never left me to deal with it alone.”
Logan was speechless for a long time, and he was grateful Dave just let him be. His thoughtful friend just made them some lunch and got Logan eating. He told him about Jackson’s new tooth and how he and Stef were trying to figure out the theme of his first birthday party that was planned for the end of February.
“I can’t believe Jackson will be one in a few months. Don’t get me wrong, I’m excited for my little boy to be growing up, but damn. It feels like time just got away from us. I can’t help but be scared, I’ll look away for a moment and suddenly he’ll be fourteen next, covered in acne and cursing me.”
Logan laughed at that and teased him, “He is already cursing you off, you just don’t know it.”
They joked around some more and although the tension was still there, Logan knew he had done right to call Dave. There was more work ahead, and he would really have to put in the effort this time. Especially if he wanted Sammy to give him another chance.
“Do you think I fucked it all up?”
