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Then Sammy had burst in, saving his sanity one more time, in the short span of one week.
He had looked at the doctor, and for the first time since he had known her, she appeared slightly unnerved.
“I’m sorry I betrayed your trust. I understand what you're doing but I don't want to see anyone else. I want to move forward.”
“Do you think this has anything to do with Samuel?” She had asked him about Sammy’s full name and for some reason had latched onto Samuel. He suspected she simply liked it because it made Sammy suddenly sound older, or more mature. Someone good for Logan. And he fucking was – Sammy was perfect for Logan.
“Yeah, it does. I know I let him down before, but I'm not going to sit around waiting for him to keep coming back to save me every time I spiral down into some pity party.”
She nodded, looking thoughtful and not taking any notes.
“We should discuss your medication.”
“I want to go off my medication.”
She cocked her eyebrow and gave him a pointed look. He wanted to laugh because today he was really getting a “rise” out of Dr. Sharon Montgomery. He raised his hands in placation,
“I know I’m not all better, just because I’ve met someone, and my life seems to be getting back to some sort of normal. I understand it’s a process, and I want to work with you to get through it.”
“We can start by lowering the dosage, but I would still like to see you weekly. If you’re willing to put in the work, and really talk to me we could make some serious progress.”
“I’ve been talking this whole time.” Logan huffed impatiently.
She gave him another pointed look. He could see she was holding back some remark, and he knew exactly what it would be about. He had been talking alright about everything but what he was really thinking or planning on doing.
He sighed and bobbed his head finally dropping the pretence. “I understand.” He had to be honest, and he had to stop lying to himself if he wanted to make a positive change and move forward. Not just for Sammy, but for Dave and Stef, for his parents and his brother, for his own sake.
“Logan,” Dr Montgomery, spoke softly to him, giving him a hopeful look, “I’m not saying you didn’t try. What I’m saying is let’s try harder. We need to work on finding a way for you to reconnect with the things that matter to you. I hope we find a way of reconciling who you were before the accident and who you are now in the life you aim to rebuild.”
He sighed, she was right and so he said, what they probably both already knew but still needed to acknowledge out loud, “Losing my family was like being skinned alive and tossed out in the cold, naked and empty of any real value or purpose.I was no longer someone's husband, lover, or father. Those identities were a large part of me and suddenly they were gone and slowly I made sure I was no one’s son or a friend either. How do I even begin to be myself again when those things that were taken away from me were all I ever thought I was? I was fucking happy! I was loved! Then all of a sudden all I had was ghosts and all this unbearable grief. I was stunned and empty. That was who I was for years…”
She closed her notebook and placed it on the table next to her. Dr Sharon Montgomery laced her fingers in her lap and relaxed her back in her large leather chair, “And now? Do you think there is enough left there for a new Logan? For a new start?”
He had no idea, that finally uttering those dreaded words, would unleash an avalanche of revelations. Thoughts that he hadn’t even been able to fully express to himself. This was the biggest breakthrough they had ever achieved, and he found himself feeling grateful, his psychiatrist hadn’t given up on him, after years of him giving her hardly anything to work with.
So, they talked and discussed his plan to meet with his family. They talked about him driving for the first time in over two years. He had kept it together on the way to New York, he suspected, only because he was fuelled by pure adrenaline. On their way back to Saratoga Springs, when they were near the site of the accident, he had felt uneasy and had asked Sammy to drive instead.
His lover had remained unfazed as ever and had simply hopped from his side, and swapped places with Logan. He had held out his hand to him and kept it tucked in his the whole time, only letting go briefly when he needed to make a turn. When they had gone home, Logan had told Sammy everything about the worst day of his life. Sammy had listened, had kept his cool, although Logan could see his emotions brewing just beneath his calm surface.
To share this side of himself and to be able to openly talk about Jordan and Sophy was heavy just as well as liberating. He had no idea, that he could talk to someone about his family again and experience something other than anguish. Remembering Jordan and Sophy with Sammy had been beautiful.
Sammy’s own experience with losing his parents somehow brought them even closer and had spurred Logan on to contact his family. And here he was, trying to breathe and power through the painful evening of quiet utensil clatter over half-empty plates.
What was he supposed to say?I’m sorry I tried to kill myself. I’m all better now. Can you pass me the potatoes please?
His father had given him a quick hug, then had trailed off into the back of the house until his mother Debbie called that dinner was ready. Small talk was tedious, and he was glad Morpheus was by his side, comforting him, but also begging for scraps. Indulging him felt like a necessary distraction from going through with his mission.
His father simply wouldn’t talk to him or look at him for that matter. Lucas asked him random shit, like how was the roof holding up after the heavy snowfall, and if he had encountered any problems with the generator.
Debbie asked him if he would visit them the following weekend. She specifically didn’t say Christmas. He really wasn’t sure what he wanted to do. Sammy had shared Christmas was a crappy time of the year for him, and Logan had simply decided that they could just stay at home and be miserably happy together.
The thought of his lover made him smile, earning him a curious look from his mother.
He wasn’t sure when exactly to tell his family about Sammy. He didn’t have an issue about disclosing his sexuality. He really didn’t give a shit what reactions that might earn him.
It was silly, but he wanted to talk to Sammy first. Ask him if it was okay to tell people about them.
He forced himself to push the tempting thought of just powering through this awkward meal and going home without asking his father if he still had a place in the family business.
