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Missing Rian is the feeling he wakes up with every day. The longing for his siren consumes him. Of course, Ty is barely managing to hide his fixation on Rian, and thelightonline stalking he’s been doing, gets him caught eventually.
* * *
AUGUST 2017
A few months after the incident, Cy comes back from the gym and finds Tayida asleep with his phone on his chest, listening to Ri’s playlist on Spotify. Rian’s Instagram page is open on a candid photo of him and Ty at the ice rink. They are grinning at the camera, flushed cheeks and wet strands of hair sticking to their faces.
Ty has his headphones on, but Cyril would never let him sleep that way. As he gently removes them, the screen comes to life, and he doesn’t need to be a genius to know what this whole situation is about.
Ty wakes up startled and sits there, deer in the headlights, dreading the outcome of this new development. Cy raises his hands in a reassuring gesture – you’re not in trouble. “Easy, Tyger. It’s okay.”
He slowly sits down and makes himself comfortable on the other end of the bed, like he’s trying hard not to spook Ty. He hands Ty his phone back. Rian is smiling from the bright screen, from another photo from their last Christmas together after they’ve spent all morning making Christmas cookies.
After a long tense moment, Cyril reaches for Ty, clasping his knee. His touch feels firm and soothing at the same time.
“Is this a ‘thing’? Is this…” Cy gently asks, his voice trailing off.
“I’m in love with Rian. I love him,” Ty blurts out. He can’t pretend to regret it either. Now that the words have left his mouth, he can’t believe he’s waited this long to say something. “I really do. I swear to you, I would never hurt him.”
Cy’s eyes are filled with sadness as he leans in and brings Ty in closer for a hug. Tayida is shaking. He’s been so afraid to talk to Cyril about this. He’s finally being honest with his only friend in the world. His painful secret is revealed, and he’s overwhelmed with dread. Does this hug mean goodbye? Will Cyril reject him? Will he tell him to stay away from Rian?
Despite his trembling body, his crippling fear, despite nausea rising to his throat, he decides then and there, nothing will change his mind. No one can sway him in another direction.
Rian is his everything. Ty can’t live without Ri. He braces himself to defend his feelings at all costs, but there is no need. Cyril’s low rumbling voice caresses him gently as he speaks.
“I love you, brother. I’m glad it’s you. Take care of each other. Love Rian with all your heart. Rian deserves to be happy and so do you. Don’t waste this chance. Don’t let it slip by you as I did. I will never get Sebastian back, but you can choose love and build a future with Rian.”
“I’m sorry. I know…I understand you might not want to talk about what happened. I get it and I’ve tried not to pry, but I want you to know, that I’m very sorry for your loss.”
“He wasn’t mine to lose…” Cyril is suddenly so upset he can’t even finish his sentence.
Cyril pulls back and leans his solid frame on the wall. His eyes are watery as he glares at the ceiling. He’s been doing this silent contemplative mourning thing for months. It breaks Ty’s heart that he can’t seem to get him to open up and talk about his pain.
“Please talk to me, Cy. You know you can trust me.”
Cyril sighs, his shoulders sagging as he slouches lower. He bites his lower lip like he’s desperately trying to keep the words from spilling. He fails.
“You know, he really surprised me. I wasn’t prepared to feel the way I did…the way I do about him. It still fucking hurts and the worst part is, I’ve had so little of him. I don’t even know if I deserve to have these emotions at all. On some days, I miss him so much, I feel like I’ve lost my fucking mind.”
He rubs his eyes with his balled fists, taking a few deep breaths. “I’ve felt an attraction to other people before. I’ve never been one to care for gender. No matter who the person was, I never trusted myself to investigate those feelings. I never wanted to get close. I never cared to take my emotions any further than my personal cognitive space. I didn’t trust myself to be intimate with another person. I didn’t trust my body’s instinctive motivation. I didn’t trust the source of the feelings of temptation I was experiencing. I didn’t feel safe. With him…maybe I could have been. With him…he could have seenme. We could have been good for each other. Is it crazy, that I don’t believe anyone would ever make me feel this way again?”
Tayida had suspected as much. They’d had quite a few discussions on sexuality. At the time Cyril had simply stated he feels detached from that part of himself. That he’s not curious nor eager to experience physical attachments. Ty had respected his boundaries and hadn’t brought it up again. To hear Cyril go into detail about all of this for the first time leaves him speechless. Honored yet completely unprepared.
“He was something, wasn’t he? And…It’s not that I didn’t want to talk about how I feel…I just…You guys…How could I come to you and grieve, when you guys had so much bad blood between the two of you? How could I even begin to tell you about my feelings, when I had hardly scratched the surface and who he genuinely was?” Cyril sighs bitterly. “I’ve learned more about him now, that he’s gone than I’ve ever cared to know before. Sebastian was right fucking here! I could have…I should have… What a fucking waste.”
Ty shuffles over and takes him in his arms. Cy sags against him and gasps for air, sobbing out in frustration. “I lost him. I fucking let him go. I sent him to die…”
He cries and cries and cries until they are both too exhausted to move or think. There is no reasoning with him. Cyril is so overwhelmed, he won’t hear any of the reassurances Ty gives him.
The morning doesn’t bring them respite. Cy has retreated to his closed-off, quiet state of mourning again. However, he implores Tayida not to squander both his and Rian’s youth. Cy encourages him to admit his feelings to Rian as soon as they’re back home.
“Never let him go. Don’t hesitate. Don’t be afraid of love. You deserve to be loved, even if you don’t believe it. If I can’t convince you of that after so many years of trying, there is no doubt in my mind that Rian is the only one who can.”
With Cyril’s blessing, Ty dares to hope that he has a real chance at a future with Rian.
Cy heads home a month earlier after his request for an early leave has been approved. It’s a minor miracle, considering those normally get knocked back all the time. Ty will follow soon and stay with Cyril and Rian for Christmas.
He writes his thoughts down in one of his many journals, hoping to come up with the most perfect, neat paragraph to summon it all up – past, present, and future. His hopes and dreams, his willingness to do whatever it takes for love. There must be a perfect way to say how much Rian means to him, but the words are yet to be uncovered, even if his heart knows exactly where it belongs.
