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“Me?” She placed her hand on her chest. “What did I do?”
“You started a healthy relationship with your hottie ballplayer that made me want more than random hookups with dick band-aids. Plus those hookups got old. I realized I was just going through the motions and it became more like a bad habit than something I enjoyed.”
Anjannette’s image blurred and I blinked several times to push back the tears.
“You okay?”
“Yeah.” I dabbed at my eyes. “You know I’ve never been a crier, but lack of sex must have my hormones all scrambled because the past couple months, the waterworks are never too far off. Sappy movies and sweet commercials have me tearing up and I even got emotional last week after my class perfectly executed a new routine.”
“Have you talked to Dr. Green about it?”
When I decided that I finally wanted to deal with some emotional baggage, Anjannette recommended her therapist, Dr. Green.Dr.Rachel Green. It’s a struggle for me not to make aFriendsreference every time I’m with her.
“Yeah, she said that crying is an excellent way of releasing emotions and processing difficult situations.” I used air quotes to highlight my therapist’s words. “I still don’t like it and can’t help but wonder if it’s worth it. Like seriously, why am I doing this anyway?”
“Change is hard, but it’ll be worth it. Honestly, I don’t think things would have worked out with Leo if I hadn’t focused on myself before we met. I wouldn’t have been capable of having a healthy relationship.” She squeezed my hand. “You went through a lot with Brian but when you guys broke up, you never really took time to deal with it. Which is exactly what I did for years. I moved from guy to guy, making the same stupid mistakes. The thing is, eventually all that stuff you ignore builds up and tarnishes everything.”
My issues didn’t start with Brian, but he definitely highlighted all my insecurities. I’ve always been a bigger girl and I’d be lying if I said that didn’t bother me. Pole dance helped me appreciate my body for its strength and even made me feel sexy, but in the back of my mind, I always wish I was smaller.
“When we first got together, Brian said he loved my curves, but once he lost some weight and got obsessed with fitness, the insults started. He complained about what I ate and wore, especially if we were with his Crossfit friends.” I snort-laughed. “The sad part is, if I hadn’t found out he was cheating, I’d probably still be with him.”
“Yeah, same with Travis and me,” she said. “And when Dr. Green pointed out my bad pattern and suggested I take a break from men, I hated the idea. Thankfully I’m stubborn and decided to do it just to prove her wrong, because she was totally right.”
“I’ll admit I thought you were crazy. I couldn’t even imagine going cold turkey like that.”
“So what changed?”
“Brian isn’t the first guy I’ve dated who ended up commenting on my weight.” I blinked away tears as I looked around the studio before meeting her gaze again, then shrugged. “One-night stands with random guys kept me safe from that. Plus the sex was good. In the beginning anyway. I just went through the motions with the last few. But that’s not how I want to live my life going forward. I want to spend it with someone who loves me for me and doesn’t care about the size of my body.”
She pushed away from the table and pulled me into a hug.
“I’m so happy you decided to make a change.” Releasing me, she added, “You’re beautiful inside and out and someday you’ll meet a man who recognizes that and will treat you like the goddess you are.”
“Say that louder for the universe to hear.”
Simon
My phone buzzedand I cringed when I saw my sister’s face pop up on the screen. I thought about ignoring the call, but that would only delay the inevitable.
“How’s my favorite sister today?”
“I’m youronlysister and I'm pissed,” she said, then added, “At you.” As if there was any question.
No use pretending I don’t know what she’s talking about.
“Shannon, I took Andi out to dinner then dropped her off at the hotel. I don’t know what else you expected to happen.”
“Iexpectedyou to give the date a chance. She said you barely spoke and when you did, you gave one- or two-word answers.”
“I did give it a chance,” I said.
“By sitting there silent and just nodding like an idiot?”
I closed my laptop and shifted forward to set it on the coffee table. Resting my elbows on my knees, I told her my side of the story.
“I got a few words in at the beginning, but once I asked about her job, she barely stopped talking to breathe. So instead of interrupting, I just listened and nodded.”
“It couldn’t have been that bad.”
