AllFreeNovel
Share Us
“I didn’t ask for details.”
“Can we please change the subject?”
“How did my granddaughter end up being such a prude?”
“I’m not a prude. I just don’t want to discuss my sex life with my grandmother.”
Or God forbid, hear about hers. The fact that she and my grandfather had sex on the kitchen island on the regular unfortunately lives in my brain. She casually dropped that particular bomb one night while we were watching a movie and the couple was doing it on the kitchen counter. My poor grandfather probably rolls in his grave with some of the stuff she shares.
She’s always been super open about things. Her belief is that if someone asks a question…even a child…they deserve an honest answer. Which is how I learned the truth about Santa Claus at eight years old and some facts of life not long after that.
“So what’s going on? You broke up with Brian the moron, then were out every night painting the town, and now nothing for months. Are you depressed?”
“No, I’m just trying to figure out some things and I think I’m better off alone right now.”
“Just don’t let Brian linger in your head. You know I didn’t like him at the start and he just got worse as time went on. He always seemed like he was looking for the next best thing. What he didn’t understand is thatyouare the best thing and he should have worshipped you instead of being such a shit.”
I blinked back tears.
“Thanks Granny Vi.”
“He definitely suffered from small-man syndrome.” She raised her brows. “And since the man is 6’5”, I’m assuming the size deficiency is in his schmeckle.”
I burst out laughing, both from the look on her face and her words.
She’s not totally wrong. Brian is barely average, but since he’s such a big guy, his dick looks smaller than it is, which definitely bothered him.
“You’re not denying my words, so I must be right. I can always tell what a man’s working with.”
“My grandmother, the penis psychic.”
“It’s definitely a gift. Feel free to consult me before you decide to get involved with someone again.”
“Maybe I’ll switch to women, then I won’t have to worry about it.”
“You think women are easier to deal with than men?”
Her accompanying snort told me her opinion of that.
“I don’t know what the answer is,” I said. “Maybe I’ll just move to a remote island and live alone.”
“There’s no reason to be dramatic. You’ve got a lot to offer. All you need to do is find the right guy.”
“I’d have better luck finding a unicorn.”
“Decent men are out there, you just need to be open to them instead of focusing on the same toxic types like you’ve been doing.”
“What are you talking about?”
“You know you have a type. Tall and muscular with a fragile ego.”
“I don’t know about that last part, but I do like bigger guys.”
Mostly because they make me feel smaller. But I didn’t say that out loud because it would lead to a whole other conversation and I’m getting tired.
“If that last part wasn’t true, they wouldn’t need to put you down to make themselves feel better.”
I’m paying Dr. Green a good chunk of change every week and she basically told me the same thing. Maybe it’s time I start listening.
