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I shake my head and look off into the distance.
“Did I say something to upset you?” Landon asks.
“No, no, I’m not upset. But I must admit that I’m a little confused.”
“About what?”
“Sometimes you say things that make me think you’re trying to—” I cut myself off, not sure how to continue.
“Trying to what?” he asks.
“I don’t know. Sometimes it sounds like you have genuine feelings for me, and it confuses me because you’ve made it veryclear that you can’t promise me love.” I pull the blanket closer to my chest, as if it will cover the parts of myself I’ve just exposed.
Landon exhales and sits up straighter on the couch. “I want to be honest with you, Tana—I can’t promise you that. But I’ve also been thinking about what you said, about allowing space for more than just duty, and I’m willing to try. Iamtrying. So maybe let me, okay?”
“Fair enough,” I say. I laugh and cover my face with my hands. “Doesn’t it scare you, marrying someone you don’t know?” The words are out of my mouth before I can think better of them.
“Honestly, it scares the hell out of me.”
It’s maybe the best thing he’s ever said to me, the most real thing, and for the first time, I see him as just a boy instead of as the governor’s son. I want so desperately to be seen for who I am, not solely the role I play, and yet I haven’t even tried to do the same for Landon.
“I’m so glad,” I say, wanting to laugh and cry in equal measure.
I wipe my eyes, and he catches my hand. “I believe in this life. I believe in the power of the mainland and the Witchery coming together.”
“Me too.”
Hearing those words helps me commit to this life in a way I haven’t been able to since we moved up the date of the wedding. I don’t fully understand the reasons that went into that decision, and those questions have created uncertainty in me. But it’s okay to be scared and worried and uneasy. I can believe in this path and still wish I could see farther down the road.
“Landon,” I say, my voice quiet, “I think I’d like you to kiss me now.”
A smile pulls at the corners of his mouth. He gently places his hand under my chin and tips my face up, leaning down to meet me. My eyes close, and his lips brush mine, shy and hesitant and gentle.
At first I don’t move, terrified of not wanting him enough or wanting him too much. But his lips are soft and his hand cradles my face, and he is going to be my husband soon. Slowly, I sink into the kiss, move my mouth against his and let myself feel however I’m going to feel.
There aren’t dragonflies in my stomach. I don’t erupt in a blaze of fire that leaves me desperate for him, but maybe that kind of kiss doesn’t exist. Maybe I wouldn’t be able to handle it if it did.
But it’s nice, the way his mouth feels against mine. It’s tender. It’s the kind of kiss I can commit to.
He slowly pulls away, taking my hand. “We’ll get better at this,” he says, and my cheeks flame, wondering if it was bad, wondering if he didn’t enjoy it.
“I think it was pretty good for a first time,” I say, even though the spark I’ve always hoped for was absent.
“That’s not what I meant,” he says, realizing how that sounded. “What I’m trying to communicate—poorly, I should add—is that I think we’re starting from a really good place.” He squeezes my hand when he says it, giving me a reassuring smile.
“I think so, too.”
It isn’t the first kiss I’ve always dreamed of, especially not withthe addition of Landon’s comment, but I’m learning that dreams are just dreams. They aren’t real, don’t have any bearing on my life. And it isn’t fair for me to continually compare the Landon in front of me to the one I dreamt about growing up.
I know all that, and yet I can’t fully let go, can’t fully forget about the Landon in my head. That’s the problem with dreams: they are so easy to get lost in and so very difficult to give up.
thirty-four
Landon and his parents are gone, and Dad brings in a tray with tea for me and wine for him and Mom. The fire is going, and instrumental music plays softly in the background. The dinner could not have gone better, and I see it in the way my parents look at each other, in their easy posture as they lean together on the couch.
And it fills me with pride to have helped manifest their biggest hopes.
I’m so happy for them.
