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"Dad, it's fine. This is your life. It's hard for you to separate them and us, we get that, but I'm pretty sure I can talk for both of us when I say that things won't be the same anymore, and I don't think we want them to be. We all need change and that includes you, old man," Gray says as he pats my dad’s shoulder and throws a small, hesitant smile my way.
Eleven
Charlie
Ithought I would be thrilled to be home and though a part of me is, the most prominent part of my brain feels lost being in a bedroom that I know is mine. But it seems nothing like mine anymore.
I purposefully stayed downstairs with Dad and Gray for as long as I could, putting off the inevitable return to a space that was once mine but no longer feels that way. Dad asked if we - Gray and I - wanted to go to bed. It's just past 6am and neither of us have slept since we woke yesterday morning, but my mind is wide awake, no sleepiness in sight as I attempt to adjust my mind to the freedom we now have.
We could go anywhere and yet I don't want to venture anywhere at all. When I stopped on the stairs and wondered where I'd rather be, knowing that I didn't want to be here, nowhere felt like home. Not my childhood home I was now standing in, nor the Clubhouse, or the houses of the Cobras men surrounding us. Not my best friend, Alice's home or Victor's. Nowhere.
I've aged only a few months and yet it feels like I've been gone for decades when I look around the room filled with innocence and evidence of my youth and naivety.
Everything is exactly as it was. My bedsheets have been changed but my diary is still out, the books I was reading are still misplaced on the floor and my makeup is still open on my desk counter.
"Are you OK?" Gray asks.
I spin around to find him searching the room similarly to myself. Remembering the years we spent having sleepovers in here and found joy in the simplest things. Only, it's not just me that left and came back a different person. He did too.
"Are you?" I wonder as I watch his eyes spin around the space surrounding us.
His eyes find mine, no doubt mirroring my own with the sadness and guilt.
"I honestly have no fucking idea, Chars. It's going to take some time for both of us. I don't know where we fit in anymore or where we go from here, but we'll work it out, alright? Together," he says solemnly and with promise as he takes a step towards me and engulfs me in his arms.
"Together,” I repeat, knowing that he and only he understands what my mind is doing because his is surely doing just the same.
Gray pulls away as I hear the familiar sound of our dad’s heavy footfalls on the stairs. Gray gives me a sad smile, knowing unlike anyone else how I’m feeling.
It’s at times like these that I can’t even begin to imagine how it must be for those that don’t have siblings. It makes me all the more grateful to have Gray by my side throughout life.
“Knock knock, you decent, Charlie?" my dad asks, accompanied by a couple of thumps on the door.
"Yeah, come in." I plaster on a smile as the door swings open and reveals my dad stood there accompanied by Tin. Dad said he was there during the rescue, but I hadn't seen him with all of the chaos.
"Oh, look at you both, my little spy and the troublemaker," Tin says as he pulls me and Gray into his embrace and squeezes me enough that I have to tap his back and let him know to loosen his grip a little.
As someone that's been in my life for as long as I can remember, he's like the unofficial uncle I never really had or knew I needed.
I notice as he pulls away and gazes down at us both that his smile is genuine. He doesn't seem to worry about his every move or word, unlike everyone else I've come across so far since being home - not as though that's very many people in all fairness.
"They might not be comfortable with that, Tin," my dad echoes under his breath in the background. He looks uncomfortable as he watches the three of us, seemingly unsure of how to proceed but obviously wanting to protect us and our sanity, even from Tin.
"It's fine, honestly, Dad. The more people faff to me and make me feel like I've been through something, the more it makes me feel like I have. The closer to normality I can get, the better." I feel uncomfortable saying the words despite them being the truth.
I'm usually open and comfortable with my feelings but having to repeat anything to do with the experiences of the last few months makes my stomach churn.
"Agreed," Gray chimes in as he wraps an arm around Dad's shoulders and knocks his head against the side of Dad’s.
"See, it's fine, you old whinge bag. Now go make me a cuppa, will ya?" Tin pushes my dad out the door before giving both Gray and I a wink and a smile as he turns his head and leaves behind Dad.
"It's going to be like this for ages, until we've seen everyone again, isn't it?" Gray asks me as he falls back on my bed and pats the space beside him, signalling for me to join him.
I do just that, enjoying the soft material and familiar comfort of my bed.
"Yep, I have a feeling it is. The more I sit here and wallow in my self pity, the closer I'm going to get to losing my mind. I don't want to be stuck in here. I want to live my life," I tell him quietly as I stare up at the blank ceiling above us.
"What do you want to do?"
