AllFreeNovel
Share Us
I've never experienced grief before. Not really, not like this. It feels like I'm experiencing grief for more than just myself. I'm grieving for the baby inside of me that will never know their father. I'm grieving for Liam, for the person he could have been with the right help. I'm grieving for my dad, who despite the obstacles they've been through, has lost a lifelong friend. I'm grieving for Crow who has to watch me in despair. I grieve for myself and everything that the three of us could have been.
But the worst part of all is that I have no idea how I'm supposed to let go of his hand that is only getting colder and stiffer. The nurses and doctors don't rush me. They don't ask me to leave or beg me to stop crying and wailing like I'm losing my own life. They don't tell me to get it together. They also don't tell me how quickly death changes a person. Liam’s eyes are closed, his life having left his body. The shell of him that's left here is nothing more than a body, and yet it's the very body that deserves so much more than it was ever given.
I don't speak as Crow tells me that they're all dead. Liam’s father. His father's men. The ones that took us. No one is coming for me anymore, which only makes it worse because if he'd lived, if he'd just kept breathing, if he'd just believed for a little longer that he was worthy and loved and cared for, the three of us could have lived a life together. It may not have been perfect, but it would have been ours.
I watch from the sidelines as so many people come and wish him the best in his new life, wherever that may be. I watch as they whisper what I assume are kind words or goodbyes. I watch in horror as Crow takes my hand and pulls me closer to Liam’s side. I watch as he lifts Liam’s hands and places it on my stomach. On our baby. I watch as his face contorts when I sob and cry and wonder why life is so cruel.
I watch as they take his body away. I experience the grief, the guilt, and the loss over and over again for what feels like a lifetime.
I spend an eternity praying to Liam, asking him to watch over our baby in Heaven while I watch over the one that will soon be on Earth. I promise him every night in my dreams that we'll meet again. We'll be better the next time we meet. Our souls won't know pain or depression or torture or trauma. I promise him that the three of us will live together one day with our children. One day, we'll sit together and watch our children play as the love between our souls passes through the world we reside in.
I tell him good night; I tell him that I love him and that I'll see him again one day as my heart breaks and Crow attempts to fix it in time for my baby’s arrival.
"Do you think he can see us?" I ask, my voice betraying me. I had hoped that I could come here and not cry but it seems impossible, especially with Eli in my arms.
I look up at Crow from my spot on the floor. I feel closer to him this way. On my knees, knowing I'm above him. Just a few feet away. It sounds morbid and somewhat demented, but looking at the gravestone in front of me makes me feel like I can feel him. Hear him.
Crow rocks Eli gently in his arms, his soft snores the only noise around us aside from the whistling birds and rustling trees.
"I think he's watching you. Watching Eli. Probably watching me too," he says with a laugh as Eli snuggles further into Crow’s chest.
"He'd be proud of you, Char. You know that." He whispers so as not to wake Eli from his slumber. It seems his hushed words don't work though, for Eli's eyes start to peel open.
"Hey, baby boy," I coo as I take him gently from Crow’s embrace.
"This is your daddy," I tell him with a sniffle as I edge closer to the gravestone residing in front of me.
The flowers around it need replacing. I've been coming to see him every few days since we laid him to rest but hadn't been for nearly a week since I had given birth.
It still hurts to be in the position I am - on my knees but it is the only way I feel close enough to Liam not to sob.
"He was kind and brave and-"
"And crazy," Crow interrupts with a playful smile.
"And a teeny tiny bit crazy," I add on with a small laugh as I look down into the mirror image of Liam’s eyes.
"But he would have done anything to protect you both. He might not be here but I have no doubt that he'll protect you still. Come on, the weather’s cooling, we need to get you both inside," Crow tells me as he ushers us up from the ground.
I take one last look at Liam’s name on the stone, reminding myself to breathe as my chest tightens.
"You've got Eli and you've got me. You've got Liam watching you and one day, we'll see him again. You've got everything you need." Crow repeats the words he's said a million times since Liam passed away. I nod my head, knowing he's right.
I take Crow’s hand in my free hand and continue to rock a curious-eyed Eli as we walk back to the house.
I insisted on having Liam buried in the garden of the house Crow prepared for us so that he is always close. So that we can all see him as often as we need, whenever we need. I've spent more nights out here with Crow by my side than I have inside of the house, but as time goes on, the visits become less frequent. From spending every waking moment next to him to now seeing him every few days.
I knew that one day, whether that be before or after my death, that I'll find him again. I'll have him and Crow by my side once more. The next time I have them both, I will never let them go.
But for now, Crow and I settle into a healthy pace and a lifestyle filled with bustling busy bodies keeping us occupied. We live a peaceful life with me studying from home while feeding Eli in a rocking chair with Crow watching diligently by my side.
Liam may be Eli's father but until he’s returned to us, Crow vowed to help me raise Eli as his own. He adores and cherishes him more than any man I've ever seen. He is truly besotted which fuels the love I have for him even further.
Liam will look after and love our baby in Heaven while Crow and I will love the baby we have on Earth.
Thirty-One
Charlie - 5 years later
