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Chapter 20
Klaus
“Is she okay? Can she safeword? I can’t get an answer from her.” Kat’s words barely penetrated the world I inhabited. That needle at Jodie’s nipple, I wanted to see it go in, wanted to watch her writhe.
Without hesitating, I answered. “She’s okay. Keep going.”
I’d never drawn blood, not properly. The little needles barely showed a bleb. A bigger needle, like this, what would it do? I flicked a look at Jodie’s face, ready to drink in whatever telltale signs she showed. Half the fun in this, the thrill, was seeing her reactions. If she bled, would that push her higher? It would me. I knew it would. My dick throbbed in anticipation. I didn’t want to miss a single microsecond of this.
Blood. There was something primeval about the red stuff on the white landscape of skin.
Why wasn’t Kat doing it?
“You’re certain, Klaus? Klaus? Hey, I’ve had subs forget. And some won’t say it. I don’t know her like you do. I need to be certain.”
Oh fuck. I blinked, dragged in a breath. What was I doing?
Jodie. I saw her eyes and the desperation. I saw the raw terror. Kat was looking at me, her hand wrapped around Jodie’s breast, the needle between her fingers.
“Stop,” I croaked as I lunged. I grasped Kat’s wrist and pulled it upward. “Yes. She’s safewording.”
I’d crapped all over this. What was I doing? So wrong. So fucking wrong. An ache built to Armageddon level in my forehead. I’d said yes to this without thinking of anything but me.
“Let’s get her untied. Now.” My hands trembled for a second before I brought them under control. She needed me, but in the back of my mind a litany ran in a loop. I fucked up.
My last thought before I stopped this had been of seeing her blood. Her blood. When had she said yes to that? BDSM was consensual, right? Fool was too mild for me. I hadn’t learned at all. Where was I going to stop? The imaginary man on that list who wanted to kill her, bury her on the beach? I swallowed. Maybe that was potentially me, a year down the track. Who the hell knew?
Not relevant right now. I ignored the devastation and the ugly collapse inside me. I needed to help her.
Kat comforted her as we peeled her off the table and laid her on the couch. They were good people underneath. Kinky but good. I was a fool. We dressed Jodie, wrapped her in blankets while they said words at me like safeword and subspace and she needs some TLC. I had to wipe my eyes once while I waited in the study for the taxi. This had been all about trust? Sure it had.
Not once did she protest or call me names, she just cuddled up and shivered in my arms.
Moghul came and discussed it all and I managed to stay sane and calm and nod and say some logical things. I pulled it off and convinced him we were good to go.
Subdrop was the last bit of wisdom he gave me. I filed it away.
When we reached the marina, Jodie had to walk a bit for us to get to the boat, stumbling with my arm around her, and when we found the boat, I almost unraveled there and then.
I fucked up. Yeah, I did, but I had to get her home and safe. I couldn’t fall apart yet. I was going to, I knew it. But first, get her home. I’d not felt this stupid and fragile for many years. Not since I was a teenager and a gang had beaten me to a pulp in a back yard one day. I’d picked myself up after that. This time…this time I was sunk so deep in a black chasm, I didn’t know if there was a way out.
How could I have done that? How? So wrapped in the scene when she was terrified. Not scared. Not in that halfway balance between pain and pleasure. Terror had been in her eyes. In the whole of the last month, I’d never seen her look that scared.
I wrenched my fingers into my hair hard enough to pull on my face skin and stared down at her where she lay huddled under a blanket on the boat’s padded seat. I’d failed her. I couldn’t decide when caring for her had become so important, but it had. I clamped down on the anguish, wiped my nose and turned to start the engine.
But inside me was a bubbling mess. Sad, horrified at myself. Then mix in more sadness. Did I love her? Seemed unlikely, especially since I wasn’t sure what love was really. But maybe I did. And if I did…love her, that made it worse.
My plan was clear. Home. Get her settled. Then fuck off forever.
Of course it wasn’t that simple. We got back to the island and I drove her home, even got her into bed, after a warm shower, with the sheets tucked under her chin. I looked down and thought absurdly how all she needed was a teddy bear to complete the picture. Then, all set to go, I looked up subdrop since Moghul had told me to before I left her.
Ah. Complicated. Subdrop was complicated. I stared at the screen.
“…the emotional and physical after-effects from the release and drop in the endorphins of the body after a BDSM play session.”
Made sense though, after all she’d gone through tonight. It could lead to depression, anxiety and feelings of rejection in someone who played hard just once. How would it be after we played at TPE for a month, if I then walked out immediately after bringing her home?
I couldn’t leave her alone. If anyone would get it she would, but I couldn’t stay for long either. Why? Because I didn’t trust myself anymore. I was not normal. I was not normal even by kinky standards. This month had shown me two things – that I was a sadist who liked hurting people, and that I couldn’t control it when I let it loose.
