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I didn’t even know if I was going to get all these dark desires back into the box they came from. This was like picking up the pieces after a suicide bomber has exploded. Nothing was ever going to be the same again.
Midnight ticked over on the bedside clock. We were back in the real world. The experiment was over.
I made myself sit with her in the bed. Moonlight let me see a little of her face on the pillow. Peaceful at last.
“Klaus.” At sound of her voice something hurt inside me. She spoke so quietly. Was she afraid I wasn’t here? “Can you hold me? Please?”
God. I could almost hear the crack as my heart fractured. I’d barely let her speak for a month. Now, of all times, she called to me like that. Like we were together. Like she trusted me still.
I wiped my eyes with my forearm. If my eyes didn’t stop watering, I’d have to see a fucking eye specialist. I sighed. Then I slid down under the sheets and wrapped myself around her, breathing in her essence that one last time. She smelled so good. With my eyes closed, and my face buried in her hair, I tried to remember her scent, tried to catalogue it so I could recall it when I needed to. Then I did the same for the feel of her in my arms and the sound of her breathing. Soppy but true.
When I woke at the crack of dawn, I did what I’d decided to the night before. I organized her hard drive, and hid all the camera footage away under a password. I tidied up the house and packed my stuff in my suitcase that had gotten dusty in a spare room. I fed Baxter one last time. I found all the kinky shit and packed it up to take away with me, made sure she had food for few days, then I wrote out a long note for her that included the password, and I left it beside the bed.
Last move – I picked up the cat from where he was purring and doing figure of eights around my feet, and put him in bed with her. I frowned as he nudged his way under the covers. Maybe she didn’t like cat hair on the sheets but, tough luck, that was my last act as her Master.
Then I left, taking everything with me that she no longer needed, including me.
* * * *
How do you start being someone who you used to be? Buggered if I knew. I had to start work again, didn’t I? Walking out, not going back, did occur to me.
But the prospect of somehow starting my life over again was too crazy.
The prospect of abandoning life was even crazier. Not my style. Even if I seemed to have ended up at the bottom of a black hole.
And even if I seemed to have damaged the one person who now meant everything to me.
I think she always had meant more than I’d admitted to myself. I still wouldn’t call it love. Love was for the weirdos of the world who wanted to label things. Whatever it was we had, I didn’t want to leave her unprotected. What we’d done would affect her badly. If it left me stranded in a dark wasteland with my heart bleeding on the ground, what would it do to her?
I’d systematically stripped her of her defenses. Running away was not an option for me. I’d stay and do what I could without stepping in and being a crutch for her. She had to stand up again on her own.
So. My locum was leaving this morning. I’d arranged to have him come in to get paid today. I’d open up the business, do what I did to earn a living, arrange a few things, get on with life. Forget I was a sadistic bastard. Pray I was whole enough to function.
