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“Enough,” I mutter under my breath, regaining control over my thoughts. I need to be strong for Nikolai, to protect him from the demons that haunt us. And I need to banish the memory of that woman’s touch, her scent, and the taste of her lips. These are not things that belong in my world anymore.
“Are you sad, Papa?” Nikolai’s voice breaks into my thoughts.
“What, Niko?” I frown, confused for a moment.
“You are quiet. Are you…thinking about Mama?” His expression is earnest, concern wreathing his features. Guilt fills me – not just at causing him to worry, but at the question he’s asking. Mama… He asks about her less and less, but I sense it’s not because he’s forgotten. It’s because I go cold when he mentions her. I just wish I could reassure him that it’s not aimed at him. It’s the remorse I feel when I think of Katya.
I hesitate, searching for the right words. How do I tell him the truth without revealing too much?
“I think of her often, Niko,” I say, because it’s true.
“Tell me about her again,” he urges, setting his car aside and scooting closer.
“Your Mama was beautiful, Nikolai.” I think of the thick waves of her hair, so much like his dark curls. “Beautiful and gentle and kind.” Too good for the world I lived in. Too good for me. But I can’t tell him that now.
“Was she happy?” he asks, his face growing troubled. “Did I make her sad?”
“Oh son, you filled her with joy. You were the light of her life. I’m sure you still are, when she looks down at you.”
Fuck, how this still causes pain…
“Will she come back soon?” he asks, and it breaks me a little. As hard as I try, there’s no way I can fill this void. It’s not in my nature.
“Mama has gone to be with God, Niko. He called her to be with Him,” I say. Although it’s been a long time since I believed in such things.
“Can’t God let her come home now?” His eyes are so damn earnest. “I miss her.”
“Mama…had an accident, Nikolai. She’s not with us anymore.” Fuck, I don’t know how to put the concept across. His five-year-old mind can’t seem to grasp the idea of death.
Unlike me. I know it all too well. And it seems ironic that it should be so fucking painful when I know I’ve dealt out more than my share of it.
His brows knit together as he processes this. “Was it the bad men who made the accident, Papa? Is that why we move around so much, in case they come after us again?”
His perceptiveness startles me. Not often do we have conversations like this. Only five years old and he seems to understand so much of what’s happening around him.
“We move because of who I was, because of what happened to your Mama. We must keep moving. It’s not safe to stay in one place too long.” My voice is steady. “Don’t worry about the bad men – I will always keep you safe.”
“Are you a bad man too, Papa?”
Fuck.
I swallow hard. Because I am. But not to this child. Maybe for him, though. I’d kill a thousand times and more to keep him from harm.
“Some might think so,malysh,” I tell him. “But only those who deserve it.”
“Because they are bad?”
“Yes, Nikolai, because they are bad. Anyone who tried to hurt you would be very bad. And then they would be very sorry.” My voice hardens. I feel regret when his eyes go wide.
“Would you kill them, Papa?”
I take a breath. “That’s not for you to worry about now, Niko. All that matters is that you are safe.”
“Can’t we be safe back home?” He looks down and it kills me to know how much has been taken from him. Uprooted from his world because of the greed of the men I once worked for.
Fucking animals.
I’ve done bad things in my life. But what they had asked…
