Page 28 of Was I Ever Free

I let out a small scoff, rolling my eyes. “I’ve had righteous before Bastian. It’s all a lie.”

“I didn’t sayrighteous, I saidgood,” he emphasizes both words as if it will further prove his point.

I study him for a beat, unsure how to proceed. I take a quick sip of my drink and then finally speak. “I do not—I don’t want good, I just…” I swallow hard, my heartbeat rising with every word spoken. “I justwant.”

“Whatdo you want?” he replies, a hint of taunt in his voice this time.

“You,” I blurt out almost immediately.

I am suddenly so hot I wonder if I will turn to smoldering embers before Bastian decides to say anything else.

Letting the silence settle between us like an unwelcome visitor, he crosses one ankle over his thigh, settling back in his chair, his elbow resting on the table while his chin perches in his palm. “I don’t think I’m actually what you want, Luce,” he finally says.

My laugh is too nervous for how I am trying to act but I still answer him while I shake my head in disbelief. “Why do you think you know me more than I know myself?”

He gives me one of his blank stares, then eventually he speaks. “I don’t think you thought much about your answer, so I’ll ask again—” he pauses, his body looking so relaxed while mine is far from it, before enunciating every single word, “What. Do. You. Want?”

His question feels innocent but the feelings clambering inside of me weigh much heavier. Suddenly my therapist’s question from months ago floats back into frame.

How was your relationship with your husband?

Tears prick my eyes at the reminder of everything I am trying so hard to overcome. I blink them fast away before looking back brazenly at Bastian, shoulders squared and determination keeping my head held high.

“Pleasure,” I say assuredly with a quick nod of my head. “I want to experience pleasure.”

He blinks slowly, his reaction nearly impossible to decipher except for the slow swipe of his tongue over his lips, my eyes tracking the movement intently. He does not seem at all surprised. As if he knew my answer before I even voiced it out loud. He lets out a sound that couldalmostbe described as a pleased hum, racking his fingers through his white-blond hair before taking another long sip of his beer.

“You want to use me. Is that it, Luce?”

“What?” I nearly yelp, my eyebrows jumping up. “No.” My laugh is forced but I ignore the simmering discomfort for the more pressing matter in front of me. “That is not what I said.”

He stays silent, taking another drink from his pint, his gaze still fixed on mine.

It is in that long stretch of silence that I am overcome with the need for Bastian not to have the upper hand in this conversation, suddenly tired of the pretenses and insecurities I seem to struggle with on a daily basis.

“You know what? Fine. Yes,” I say with as much assurance as possible. “I want to use you. Happy?” I cross my legs and straighten my back. “Is that what you wanted to hear?”

Another pleased hum. Another drink of his beer.

“It did sound rather titillating coming from those lips of yours,” he drawls.

My heart skips a beat, my cheeks suddenly heating for another reason entirely. And when he slowly leans over, his fingers curling around the seat of my chair, dragging me closer to him, it almost feels like the ground is crumbling underneath me the closer my body gets to his.

“Okay,” he simply says.

I chastise my scrambled brain while I try to gather my thoughts. All I can manage is to parrot back his answer. “Okay?”

His eyes smoothly drag down my body and then up again, nodding.

“There needs to be ground rules,” he says while standing up. I am left gawking at him, my head slowly lifting up with the action, unsure if I have imagined this entire interaction. He fishes his pack of cigarettes out of his pocket, propping one between his lips. “I need a smoke first,” he mumbles, heading toward the exit without another word.

15

The door swings closed behind me and the chill in the night air does nothing to cool my heated skin. The sparked flame I just lit smolders against the cigarette as soon as my foot hits the asphalt. I inhale deeply and then press my hand against my eye socket to try to even out my reaction to Lucy basically throwing herself at me… then me accepting.

It didn’t take me long to analyze the innumerable outcomes of Lucy and I hooking up—all of them bad. Most of them involved Lenix slicing my balls off. Still, I accepted. I couldn’t resist the idea of her using me for her pleasure.

What a fun way to die.

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