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But it never comes.
The room is silent, save for my coughing and hurried breaths. Lee stands a few steps back smoking a cigarette. I lock eyes with him and he smiles. He takes a few steps toward the chair and stubs his butt on my forearm. I barely register the pain, my head still lightheaded from the lack of oxygen.
“Had enough?” he drawls.
This time I don’t smile. I don’t taunt. I don’t pretend that what I just endured wasn’t harrowing and fucking agonizing.
I just match his stare and say nothing.
I’m thrown back into the dark room not long after, the shackle back around my neck. My clothes are wet and piss-soaked, the chill seeping into my bones, making my body shiver uncontrollably. Somehow I fall asleep, the exhaustion soul-deep. The shock my body took today—or was it tonight?—has rattled some old memories back to life. My dreams are filled with nothing but childlike fear so potent it oozes into the cracks of my mind, haunting me and festering any semblance of sanity I thought I still possessed.
36
Two days earlier
When I tentatively peer into the motel room, I only find emptiness.
I let out a relieved breath, but my adrenaline is still making my heart beat wildly in my chest. Inside, I latch the door shut, making sure to slide the chain at the top of the door as well. I march to the only window in here and draw the curtains closed, but do not turn on the lights, still unable to shake the feeling that someone has been trailing me.
The tears continue to spill down my cheeks, falling over my lips and I lick them away, ignoring them as best I can. Convinced Bastian would have some type of weapon hiding in his duffel bag, I riffle through it with the help of my phone flashlight, and finally, find a switchblade tucked in one of the side pockets. I flick it open, holding it much too tightly in my palm, and slide myself onto the bed. Sitting crisscrossed, back straight, in the middle of the mattress, I finally decide to make a call. Maybe Kenzie would be the better choice in this situation since he is relatively close by but he is not the number I dial.
“Loosey Goosey,” Lenix sing-songs through the receiver when she picks up. “How is my favorite sister in the whole wide world?”
My words stick to the sides of my throat at the tone of her voice. So stark to how I am feeling in the darkness of a motel room, tears still staining my cheeks. I suddenly do not know what to say—orhowto say it.
I do not know if the silence that follows is what makes Lenix drop her happy tone or maybe I sniffled but suddenly her voice holds an urgency I have not heard in over a year.
“Lucy? Lucy, are you there? What’s wrong? Tell me what happened?”
I close my eyes, in an effort to compose myself, biting my wobbling lip. After a deep inhale, I find enough words to form a full sentence. “Bastian is gone,” I manage to croak out.
I hear Lenix laugh in disbelief as if her first reaction is to dismiss the severity of what I just said. “What do you mean he’sgone?” she says a little too harshly. I know my sister well enough to recognize that she is being defensive. The truth is scary, and she would rather be dismissive than have to think about me being alone in the middle of nowhere.
“We were at a carnival, and he—” my voice cracks, and I instinctively squeeze the knife I am holding before continuing, “and he just vanished, Lenix. I do not know what happened. He never came back from the bathroom… What if—what if something bad happened?”
At those last words spoken, reality crashes into me and I let out a loud sob, barely hearing Lenix shout for Connor on the other side of the call. They exchange a few urgent whispers, Connor raises his voice, and it almost sounds like they are struggling for the phone, but Lenix seems to eventually win. Her voice returns, softer as if trying to soothe a small child, and maybe if I was not so agitated it would grate me but instead, I welcome it.
“Lucy, where are you exactly? I’m coming to get you.”
“But what about Bastian?” I rasp, followed by a few more sniffles and sobs.
“Connor will take care of it, he’s coming with me. We’re taking the plane. You just need to tell me where you are, okay?” she says soothingly.
I slowly nod although I know she cannot see me. I tell her the address of the motel and I overhear Connor in the background saying they will be there before morning. I can tell Lenix does not want to hang up, now knowing my current situation, but I tell her I will be fine for those few hours.
She makes me promise to keep my phone on at all times and tells me she loves me profusely. I seem to have once again lost the capability of speech. Holding back tears, I force a goodbye out of my strangled throat. As soon as I hang up, I burst into tears, rolling into a ball on the bed, facing the door, the knife still in my hand. I stare at the door, never moving from my fetal position for what feels like hours. I go through every possibility of what could have happened to Bastian. None of them are good.
My eyes droop from exhaustion but still, I stare into nothingness.
Because deep down, I know…
Only heartache can follow his disappearance.
* * *
Present
It has been more than forty-eight hours since I last saw Bastian. The last time I felt such a sense of profound displacement was when I ran away from Sacro Nuntio and left everything I knew behind. But how could I feel so untethered when what I am missing is a person and not a place? It startles me to realize how intense my feelings are, but I refuse to deny them either.
