Page 71 of Was I Ever Free

There is a knock at the door, and Lenix appears a few seconds later.

I am back in Colorado, in the same room I shared with Bastian at the Black Plague compound. The room makes my heart ache but still soothes me with memories I did not think I would miss so soon.

Lenix does not say a word as she enters. Walking in, she slides onto the bed beside me, taking me in her arms. She and Connor are staying in the room next to me, but she has spent most of her time in mine. I have not really been able to speak much on anything other than the essentials that could help Bastian be found. I know my sister must have picked up on what has been left unsaid, that maybe something deeper has happened between him and me, but to my surprise, she has not pried. I would have expected her to start with her overprotective sister act that she loves to put on, mostly spurred by her trying to make up for lost time.

Instead, she has given me space, but I know I should tell her sooner rather than later. And maybe it is because I am so used to managing my pain alone, keeping it hidden and out of sight, but there is still some discomfort with opening up and telling Lenix all that has happened. And most importantly how I am feeling about it.

I sigh deeper into her arms, my head resting on her shoulder, while trying to choose the right words for this conversation.

“It was not Bastian’s idea,” I say tentatively.

“What wasn’t?” Lenix responds.

I let out another long sigh. “You know.”

“Actually, Lucy, Idon’tknow. You haven’t said a word since I got here. Not to mention the fact that I’ve never seen Bastian with anyone romanticallyever, so honestly? I’m having a hard time picturing any of this—or whatever the hell even happened between you two…”

I chew on my lip feeling slightly guilty. I do not even know how to start this, considering I would rather perish than admit to Lenix that we had some sort of sex deal—and everything that followed.

So I go for the closest thing to the truth.

“It was only meant to be a fling.” My words hang heavy between us, and I can tell by Lenix’s silence that she is biting her tongue. “We were having fun. I was even starting to see this whole new side of Bastian.” I pull myself out of her embrace and push myself up with my arms to look at her head-on. “He was smiling, Lenix. Laughing even.”

Her eyebrows shoot up. “Bastian. Laughing?” she says incredulously.

I nod my head a few times to drive in the point and continue, “This road trip was everything I dreamed of andmore, I have never experienced such freedom, and Bastian, well he—” My voice cracks, my throat growing tight and I am suddenly fighting back tears.

I keep my gaze steady although my eyes are welling up with tears, and Lenix’s face softens as if realizing the depth of what I am trying to say. It only makes me want to breakdown, fall into hysterics, but I close my eyes for a few seconds and take a deep breath.

Finding Lenix’s gaze again, I say, “Bastian was a large part of that. I know it has only been a little less than a month, but…” My eyes fall to our clasped hands, my voice small. “I have never felt like this before.”

I do not know what else to say, especially when things with Bastian are already so convoluted to begin with. I hope that Lenix will not need more explanation than I have already given her, since I do not think I have anything more to give.

“Lucy…” Lenix says gently while pushing my chin up so I look at her. “Are you in love with Bastian?”

“No,” I say far too quickly but then concede, “I mean… I do not know. What I feel for him is—is complicated, and we were just starting to…” I cannot finish my thought, the tears now spilling over, my bottom lip trembling. “I cannot lose him now,” I say so meekly that I can hardly bear the sound of my own voice.

Lenix pulls me back into her arms as I silently cry into the crook of her neck. “Oh, babes… We’re going to get him back. The boys are doing everything they can to find him,” she says softly while caressing my hair, which only makes me cry harder. “And as for everything else… you’ll figure it out. You just—” She pauses as if weighing her words and then finally finishes her sentence. “You just have to have faith.”

I suddenly understand her hesitancy, a word I am not sure I have heard her say since we were young girls. And somehow her saying it, shakes a memory loose in my mind. I am too mentally exhausted to push it back down like I usually do, so I let it take up space, here, in the safety of my sister’s arms.

I must have been twenty-one, already married for far too long, and still, not yet understanding that I could question what was happening to me—even if it was only in the safety of my mind. It was a morning like any other, the community had gathered for our daily sermon, my brother in front leading the prayers as always.

I was feeling particularly uneasy that day, Patrick had made me submit to him earlier that morning. It did not happen often, maybe once a month, but when it did—it was nothing but cold, painful, and humiliating. He never used any lubrication so I was often left bleeding most times.

I am not sure why that morning was any different, this had been happening for years. But as I sat in a front pew, barely able to even sit, something akin to rage seeped into the cracks of my soul. I listened to my brother speak of faith, of godliness, and servitude. I must have heard this sermon hundreds of times and even found comfort in the message it conveyed before.

On that day, it was as if I had gained a sixth sense, suddenly able to listen to everything left unsaid. Tohearwhat was unspoken. How ridiculous it all sounded now. Especially when this growing feeling of wrongfulness was slowly replacing the faith I had been holding on to so tightly all my life. That day it was as if the very God my brother was preaching so fervently about, had pulled the veil from over my eyes to see the evil that had always existed around me in plain sight.

I thought my faith was merely fractured that day, but it took me leaving Sacro Nuntio to understand that I had in fact lost it entirely. I just never allowed myself to admit to it. It was an act of self-preservation. Because how could I have survived all that abuse without faith? How could I have kept hold of my sanity if I did not believe that I was good and worthy to be saved?

I held on to that belief even after leaving that place. Was it really God that saved me? Or was it my sister? Or the men who quite literally wore the word sin as a badge of honor every day? That word holds no ill meaning now when the most sinful men I know have shown me the most decency.

While burrowing deeper into Lenix’s arms, needing to hear her heartbeat to remind myself she is here and not just a dream, I realize she is asking me to have a different kind of faith. A much more personal kind. One that I can touch, taste, andsee.Faith in us. Faith in our ability to protect our own. Faith in family, the one you choose. Faith in Bastian and most importantly, myself.

Resting my head on her lap, I curl myself into a ball next to her. “Okay,” I whisper, my eyes suddenly drooping with sleep. “I will.”

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