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The sting of what he left me with still hurt. His cruel words, his snide sneer after he fractured me in two. It did not help that he came from one of the more prominent families. One with huge amounts of wealth. Not only did the Conwell’s hold a large portion of Rothnia’s wealth, but their charities also benefited greatly from them.
And while Lord Conwell operated the shipping part of their wealth, the sons: Torian, Caine, and Kaston, walked around Rothnia with such arrogance. I often wondered what their mother thought, if she cared. Even so the dallying of young men in Rothnia was far less frowned upon than those of women. Unless you were a Lady of the Night you were to stay pure and intact until marriage.
Any who did not well, we were demeaned... tainted.
I truly had thought myself in love with Kaston once. I truly had thought that he was there for me, that he was the one. The boy I dreamed of, the knight to liberate me. I wanted so badly to believe he had been my chance at true happiness and love, at a family, that I had been blinded by his true intentions. And he sure did let his intentions be known, more than once. What happened when I confessed my feelings, I confessed my heart and love to him?
He’d thrown it back in my face.
He broke every part of me, every part I had given him. I was his secret. I still remember the look on his face, the look of triumph and satisfaction. I begged. I had pleaded. Despite it all, despite begging him to court me in public, he still used me.
He got what he wanted from me, he got what he was after, over and over. The thought of him having touched me caused a shiver to run down my spine. He had left me in tears, he had left me alone by myself to find my way back. That night the Ebony Woods cradled me as if I were part of it.
Kaston Conwell had no rules, was free to do as he pleased with whomever he pleased. I had been swept up in the romantic notion that he was there to save me. But in the end, he tossed me aside like a used pair of riding boots. He had said it was fun and while he enjoyed my company, I wasn’t more than a fling. A conquest. The amusement in his eyes as he said it crushed every last part of me. Leaving me empty and forlorn. And because I had no dowry, I was no one. I was worthless.
I’m improper.
I’m- different. Now I was worthless to any man. So, Nona’s stories became my friends. They became my company. And now, that's all that I have left.
Of her, of my family and of me.
If I never woke up again, it would be a blessing.
It felt like yesterday that I said goodbye, the days blending in together. Today was the first real day I was able to get out of bed and go to her. She’d been buried under a large oak tree. It overlooked everything. She would have loved it. The dirt was still fresh but settling and the flowers from the day of her burial had dried up and blown around the grass. She would be my first stop before going to the spot where my family rested.
She deserved more honestly but I couldn’t give it to her. The oak tree spot had been lucky, otherwise I wasn’t sure what I would have done. It was only thanks to her friend Bern that she had found such a beautiful stop to rest. She’d given so much and asked for little in return. And for that I will forever be grateful, she meant so much to me.
A soft cry escaped from my lungs, the weight of her passing sitting heavily on my shoulders. Remembering how quickly it had happened. It started with a nasty cough, but as the night wore on, she deteriorated. Finally letting go only days after the first signs. Saying goodbye to her, knowing that never again would she be waiting for me inside the cottage. Never again would she scold me for my adventures or tell me stories.
“Nona, why did you leave me? Why did you leave me here alone? I cannot do this.” The breeze fluttered about me as I buried my face in my arm, the tears rolling down my cheeks. My voice a soft whisper, thick with the sadness in my heart, “I’m not strong enough to do this on my own.”
A peaceful silence settled itself around me, as if to say, it's okay. For the first time since this morning, I welcome it. The silence had been deafening. Waking up to the kitchen quiet of all noise and the lack of Nona’s mumbles had really started to feel empty. Unfortunately, silence afforded me the comfort to dream or make up nightmares. Whichever you prefer. And because I had no real friends I was often left alone.
To let those nightmares run its course through my vivid imagination. The Goblin King was always the subject of my games. Wishing myself away to him, enraptured by him and the Lost Fae. Fancying myself his bride; that kind of nonsense. When I’d wake up or return from my daydreams, I would talk of my adventures. After telling Nona all about the things I imagined I’d get scolded for it. Nona would mumble about goblins and Fae making up such a foolish game.
“Hush, child!” Nona Luna chastised after I told her that I asked to be taken away, “It is not wise to wish for the Goblin King. He has no remorse; he knows no mercy.”
She ushered me back inside and shut the door, baring it tight to keep those who are not welcome in, out. “The Goblin King will take whatever it is you offer him and not think twice of taking it.”
Looking up at the setting sun a wish on my lips “I wish. . . I wish. . . I wish. . .”
I hesitate. Maybe this was a bad idea. Maybe I was going crazy with grief. Or I was just plain stupid and needed a mental evaluation. But before I even realized what I was saying it was out. “I wish to be free of this attachment, of this torment. I wish to live without this grief.”
In the distance, the sound of a raven startles me, bringing me back to this moment- the basket next to me filled with flowers, the world around me, the chilled spring air that now promises rain. The horror of what I had just said aloud.
“That’s quite enough for today.”
The sun was making its way down toward the horizon, the shadows stretching as the darkness moved in.
And all my life, for as long as I could remember, I wasn’t permitted out after the sun went down. The reason being far more chilling. This time of year was not safe, for anyone. Because who knew what was going to take you. Children were not the only things taken at night.
While it was rare, it happened.
There are creatures, many who liked to roam these lands. Many with no master, no boundary to stop them. No one quite knows where they came from or how they got here. It was instilled into us from such a young age, that the forest behind my home was where they resided. It was home to more than one unknown species than the stories warned against.
And if you were caught out roaming, or hiking within the Ebony Woods, especially after dark, then you were at their mercy. Sometimes, late at night, I heard their cries. Their footsteps would sound outside my window, the crunch of the leaves or rustle of the grass. I wondered if it was him if he was there for me. Having heard my calls, having come to finally answer. Whatever it was, I was not about to find out. What lurks around my home can stay in the dark.
As I stood, my knees aching from the prolonged crouch, a flurry of movement in the distance caught my eye. The raven had flown off from a branch along the forest's edge, causing me to pause as my heart pounded in my chest.
