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Eli- 28
Ihave felt many feelings over my years of sitting in locker rooms. Elation, nervousness, anger, defeat, excitement, stress, gratitude… but I have never felt quite as somber as I do right now.
My eyes drop to my feet, unable to watch on as one of the men I respect most in this world struggles with his next words. Our coach and baseball Hall of Famer, William Riley, laid his sweet wife of twenty-eight years to rest last week after a long battle with cancer. She was like a team mom to most of us and honestly one of the best people I’ve ever met.
The team attended her funeral to show Coach and his three children our support, but today is his first day back in the stadium as we prepare to head out to spring training in a couple of weeks, and he called us all in for a meeting.
“Look, guys… this may not be an easy conversation for me. But it’s important to me that I have it with you.” Coach takes a long deep breath, gathering his emotions.
Empathy churns in my gut at the pain radiating from him.
“We always preach to you guys about prioritizing baseball over everything else. Sometimes, even when you are physically here, we still demand that you put it over the thoughts clouding your mind.”
“Our GM may kill me for this, but I want to be real with you guys. Sometimes there are things… people.” A lone tear runs down his cheek. “Who should come first. These people will love you so they won’t ask you to put them before your dreams and your career, but if they ever do, it must be extremely important to them, and you should take that into consideration.” He takes another breath, and I can feel my chest filling with emotion.
“I’ll never forget the minute I saw my wife. I knew I had to have her. Couldn’t even stand for any of my teammates to look in her direction.” A small smile shows through his turmoil at the memory.
“But quickly that attraction turned to so much more, a friendship like I’d never had before. She became my rock, my confidant, the person I always wanted to look for in the stands, and the first one I wanted to talk to before and after a game, win or lose.”
My Queenie.
“She was the one I would call to reel me in when I was bitching about you guys.” Soft chuckles flutter through the room full of grown-ass men, sniffling as we listen intently.
“When I look back, I hope my wife felt complete love and devotion from me as a spouse, but deep down I know there were times when I could have prioritized her over baseball… saying yes to vacations, date nights, quality time with her.” Getting choked up again, he takes a minute to gather himself, our assistant coach squeezing his shoulder for reassurance.
“My biggest regret in life is, and always will be, not having more time with her. I wish I had met her sooner, told her I loved her sooner, married her sooner. And most of all… when the doctor gave her one year to live, I wish I had taken a year off from coaching, but instead, I couldn’t bring myself to accept my wife was dying. I should have spent every second with her this past year… but the denial was thick in my skull and the familiarity of my routine was the only thing centering me at the time.” After a long pause, he says, “But now, those are moments I can’t get back.” The pressure in my chest grows with each word he speaks.
He holds up his finger, telling us to give him a second as he lets pent-up tears run down his face. Seeing this tough man break down like this has my own tears ready to break the dam.
“Time is a double-edged sword. The game we play may not have a set time limit, but our life does, and I want you all to remember that… time is a blessing and a thief. So, if there’s someone out there you can’t live without, don’t waste another second not telling them. Call them the minute you walk out of these doors and tell them exactly how much they mean to you… I would give anything to have one more minute with my Julie.”
* * *
I remainin the shower long after everyone else is gone. With my hands against the wall, I let my head fall to the tile.
It’s like Coach Riley’s words caused an earthquake within me, ripping my heart wide open. Exposing its deepest secrets and feelings I have tried to suppress for so long. And for what exactly… the lines are so blurry right now.
What the fuck have I been doing with my life?
Quinn hasn’t left the forefront of my mind since Coach started talking. When I ask myself the things he mentioned, she is the answer to every one of my questions without hesitation.
Has there ever been a girl who walks in the room and stops me in my tracks, eliciting jealousy for any other man who looks her way?Yes, Quinn.Many times.
Who did I always look for in the stands at my games?Quinn, both back when we were younger and still sometimes now.My good luck charm.
I pick up my chain, feeling the weight of it between my fingers and the meaning of it in my chest.
Who do I call or text before and after every game, or really any time something big happens in my life?Quinn is always first.
Who do I bitch and complain to?Quinn,and she’s always there to reel me back in.
Who is the one person I don’t think I could ever live without? Hands down,Queenie.
She may be a hurricane disguised in a Yankees hat and ripped jeans, but to me, she’s also the calm sea after the storm, bringing me peace.
I’ve always held myself back from the deep, intense feelings I have for her because I didn’t think I could give her what she needs, but I’m starting to realize that’s not true. Maybe what we need is each other.
My biggest hope for Quinn has always been for her to seek out her own dreams and aspirations without considering my own in those decisions. But she is still in the process of figuring out what those are. So maybe, just maybe, they aren’t in New York. Maybe she can do some soul-searching in North Carolina with me. I don’t care if she tries out ten different dreams before she figures out which one is right for her. I will support her in every aspect of life, just like we have always done for one another.
