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Chapter 18
Faye
“What did I do?” Thane, asks me. But the pain is so great, and so sudden I don’t know how to respond to him. Plus, the truth is he didn’t do anything wrong. It’s me; I did something wrong—I fucked up. “Please talk to me, Faye,” he begs me, his eyes are scared, pleading with me to let him in. But how do I when I feel like this?
“Did I go too hard?”
“No.” I shake my head and his face changes, worried even more. “It’s not you; it’s me.”
“Oh my God, you were amazing. You are amazing.”
I do my best to stay strong, to not let him see me upset or weak, but tears burst from my eyes. I get up searching the room for my clothes. I don’t know what I was thinking, but I can’t do this.
“What are you doing?” he demands an answer, standing in front of me stark naked.
“We shouldn’t be doing this.”
“Why the hell not? We’re perfect together.”
With my t-shirt in my hand, I grip onto it hard, so scared for what the future holds feeling this way, and I tell him, “Because when I’m with you, especially like this, I forget about Ben.” The waterworks flow, I’ve lost the battle, and yank my shirt over my head, searching for my pants, ignoring him as he follows me closely.
“Would you please stop?” But I can’t listen. I need to be alone. He grabs my arms pulling me back into him, and I fight to be free.
“Faye, please, let’s talk about this.”
Whipping my head towards his, a powerful surge of remorse rocks through me.
I can’t! I can’t!
“What is there to talk about? I’m not ready to let Ben go!” I scream.
“You don’t have to let him go, Faye. He’ll always be in your heart.”
Pulling my pants on, I feel myself spinning and spiraling out of control. And as I look at Thane, the fear is evident across his face. “Not when I’m with you, he’s not.”
And I try to leave the room, but he stops me, blocking the door. “That means you’re healing, Faye.”
“It doesn’t mean shit except I’m betraying him, don’t you see that? I can’t sleep with you and give into the pleasure that my body wants with mine and Ben’s son right downstairs. He could’ve been hiding in here, Thane, and seen us making out. Did you ever stop to think what that would have done to him? He’s only six; he doesn’t know anything is going on between us. But if he was old enough to know, he’d hate me. Just the same way that Ben would.”
“That’s not true, and you know it, Faye.”
“Yes, it is. Now please let me go, I need space.”
He drops to his knees, naked, broken, and hurt, as he says to me, “Faye, I’m begging you to stay. Please!”
I reach for the door handle, and he grabs my arm, yanking me down into his lap. I fall gracefully, my heart breaking more and more with every inch closer I get to Thane. With his arms shrouded around me, I weep, wallowing in my own agony and despair.
Thane holds me tightly, a stray tear from him lands on my jeans. I don’t want him to hurt. But I need space. I need time. “I’m sorry,” I tell him, getting off his lap, leaving him in his room. Each step I get further away from him breaks my heart, but the pain is nothing compared to the betrayal I feel.
***
“When I’m with Thane the way we were last night, nothing else seems to matter except for me and him. All of my pain diminishes, and my worries wash away. Which I thought I would be grateful for. But dammit, Ben, I don’t want the pain to go away, it reminds me of you, and I fucking miss you!” I wail into the nothingness as I fall forward, sobbing on my husband’s grave.
The only thing connecting us are the blades of grass. I grip them, tearing them from the ground, and it only makes me cry harder.
The back and forth inside my head is exhausting. As I sit here searching for answers, I just want to know that everything is going to be okay, the way it used to be. But that’s not my life anymore. Nothing will ever be the same, not without Ben.
I’d hoped after over a year of grieving; I was learning how to go on…especially when I met Thane. But I’m not ready…and I don’t know how to be.
