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Chapter 20
Faye
Pulling up to my house after another morning at the cemetery, I’m exhausted—from not only lack of sleep, but searching for the right thing to do. I just want the pain to go away. All of it.
But I don’t know how to make it stop, and I fear I never will. I press the button to my garage door and am reminded of Thane. Like I am by so many other things in my life.
Even though I don’t have the history with him that I shared with Ben, losing him still hurts. But I hold on to my choice; I have to. We aren’t together because of me. I grab the mail before going in, and when I see the walkie-talkie inside my mailbox, my heart falters.
Hesitantly, I pull it out, holding it in the palm of my hand, like it’s a bomb that might go off. Any wrong move could send me into a tailspin of turmoil.
On the back of it is a piece of paper and I head back into the garage. Looking around to see if he’s watching me. But my street is quiet; everything is still.
Once I’m inside, I can’t stop myself from opening the note, his handwriting bleeding off the white paper, and I don’t know if I can read his words. I really don’t know if I can, but I also know I can’t ignore the letter. As hard as it is to hear from him, I need to know what he has to say.
Faye,
Please give this to Braxley. It would mean a lot to Jack and me.
I’m sorry for what you’re going through; you don’t deserve this kind of pain. You deserve nothing but happiness, and that’s what I always tried to give you. I wish you’d see that and realize it’s okay to be happy, to let the pain go. There’s no harm in doing that; it means you’re healing. I’m always here for you, and I never want you to forget what you and Ben shared. You said so yourself that Ben would want you to move on. He was an amazing, brave man, who will always live in your heart. Like you will always live in mine.
Yours, Thane
Setting the note down, his words are a hard blow deep inside my soul. I…I feel lost, suddenly so unsure about everything and I don’t know what to do.
Then the walkie-talkie in front of me rings, and I about jump out of my skin, so caught off guard by it. Hesitantly, I touch it and then without thinking, I answer him.
“Thane?” I ask to be sure it’s him.
“Hi Faye,” his voice is deep, rough, and it crackles with each word. “How are you?”
I look around my messy house that I haven’t given two shits about lately and search for the answer. “I’ve been better,” I tell him followed by a long sigh.
“Can I see you?” he asks, and I’m not sure that I’m ready for that or if my heart can handle him.
“Can we just talk?” I ask.
“Of course. Did you read my note?”
“I did. I…I appreciate your openness and honesty.”
“I meant every word I said, Faye. No matter what, I never want you to forget Ben…ever.”
“I appreciate that Thane, but right now…I still need space.”
“Okay,” he agrees with me, and I guess I didn’t expect him to.
The line is silent, and I stare at the radio, still wanting to talk to him, but can’t bring myself to speak any words.
I’ve tried to remind myself of what Ben said, to not stand still in time, but I can’t help it. Some days are better than others, and I really thought I was doing better, until this setback.
***
“Thank you for seeing me, Dr. Brinkman,” I tell my therapist as I sit across from her. My palms are damp, my nerves are high today, especially after Thane and I talked.
“Of course, Faye. How can I help you?”
“I don’t even know where to start,” I tell her and almost laugh.
