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It was hard to believe one year ago today she’d lost her best friend in a horrible accident that changed so many lives.
“Can we get a bunch of different ones?” Josie asked. “Some for the ocean and some for where I talk to her?”
“You can get whatever you want.” This day was going to be about the two of them celebrating Colleen’s life.
They bought their flowers and drove to the beach. It’d just opened. Avery wished she had private access but didn’t. This was good enough. They were looking out at the Atlantic Ocean. The sky was overcast and it was going to rain. Not a great beach day, but they weren’t here to soak in the sun.
“Mom liked the rain,” Josie said.
“I know she did,” she said. “She always loved when a good storm was brewing.”
“Do you think she knows what we are going to do?”
“I think so,” she said. “She is watching you all the time.”
She liked to believe that at least.
Both of them took their sandals off and left them where they’d stay dry, then walked to the water’s edge where the waves were coming up over their toes. Her toenails were a bright purple and Josie’s a light blue. Colors that Josie had picked out when they’d gone for pedicures.
“Do we put them in the water or say something?” Josie asked.
“You do what comes naturally to you,” she said. Her eyes were already filling. She needed to start something with Josie here and this seemed like the thing to do. Her best friend loved the water and loved flowers.
Josie pulled out one pink rose and laid it in the water. “I love you, Mommy,” Josie said.
There were tears running down her face that she couldn’t control and told herself not to bother. It’d only hurt more if she did hold it back. She did the same thing as Josie. “I love you, Colleen.”
They both said they missed Colleen and one by one they let a dozen of the mixtures of flowers go into the ocean saying silent words.
She promised Colleen she’d put Josie first. That she was doing the best she could to raise her as if she were her own daughter.
When the flowers were gone, she hugged Josie. “Are you okay?”
Josie nodded her head. “It’s okay to cry. Mommy told me that before. That it makes you feel better even if it feels horrible while you’re doing it.”
“Your mother was smart that way,” she said.
They went home and to Josie’s room and each talked to Colleen like they did so often. Today was different though. At least for Avery, but she tried to keep it light like Josie was. She was following the little girl’s lead as best as she could.
“Can I start to paint my mural now?”
“Sure,” she said. “Do you want to be alone or do you need help?”
“Can I do it alone?” Josie asked. “I want to paint the field of flowers that Mom loved. I’m ready to finally start it.”
“You can do it alone,” she said. “If you need me or want me, I’ll be downstairs.”
Josie needed to do whatever felt comfortable.
Avery went to her office to get some work done. But rather than work, she had a major meltdown and was sobbing uncontrollably in her office.
Her phone rang and she saw it was her mother, but she couldn’t answer it.
When the text came in five minutes later, it was her mother telling her to keep her head up and call when she wanted to talk.
That was what Avery wanted to do and be. A mother like her own mother was to her.
But today wasn’t going to be the day she could talk about it anymore.
