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“It is why I’m here, Ava. Look, I know I haven’t been the easiest guy to get to know, but I told you things I haven’t told anyone since it happened,” he said, and I knew he meant the accident and losing his wife, Lydia.
I found it interesting that thinking of her didn’t bring me jealousy or any other unhealthy emotions. There was an odd sense of peace that I got each time I imagined them together. For some reason, when I’d considered our situation before, I’d thought that I might feel competitive with her ghost, that I’d never be good enough or measure up, always living in her shadow. But it wasn’t that way at all. I actually felt almost protective over her and her memory. The last thing I wanted to do was act like she never existed or that she hadn’t been important in shaping Tony’s life.
“I’m just going to go for it, okay?” I took another bite of pizza as I braced for his response, and he gave me a gentle nod as he waited. “Do you think you’ll ever be able to forgive yourself?”
It was a loaded question. That kind of thing might be impossible for a man like Tony. Even though it wasn’t his fault, how could you not blame yourself on some level? I knew that if the roles were reversed and it had been me driving, I would have struggled with plenty of self-blame.
“I don’t know,” he admitted, his voice filled with sincerity. “I’m honestly not sure that I have it in me to give.”
I felt like I understood what he was saying even though I’d never been in his position before. “But do you want to?” I asked with trepidation although it was the more appropriate question of the two.
If Tony wanted to live the rest of his life in some kind of purgatory, no one was going to be able to save him. Not even me. But if he did want to figure out a way through this darkness and back into the light, I’d gladly hold his hand while we tried.
His dark eyes met mine. There was so much raging just beyond the surface. I wished I could read him with just one look, but I couldn’t. Not yet anyway.
“I want to try. I don’t know if it’s possible. To truly forgive myself, I mean,” he explained, and before I could add anything to the conversation, he continued, “I’ve kind of come to the conclusion that even if it’s not, I still need to find a way to move forward.”
I noticed that he saidforwardinstead ofmove on, like I’d said the other night, triggering his anger.
“I’d like to help you.” It was an offer and an ask, all in one.
“I can’t do it without you.”
“Tony,” I breathed out, the emotions hanging like rain-filled clouds between us. “How do I help? What can I do?”
He shifted in his seat and swallowed, like he’d already given this particular question some thought well before I ever asked it. He cleared his throat. “First off, I need to know if that’s okay with you.”
I wasn’t sure what he meant. “If what’s okay?”
“That I might not be able to forgive myself. Do you think you can deal with that?”
It was a fair question. One I’d never even considered because I’d been so caught up in all of his emotions that I put my own on the back burner.
“As long as you talk to me and don’t shut me out, I think it’s something I can handle.” I nodded, more for myself than for him. “I need communication. You have to talk to me.”
I really hoped that was the truth. I’d never been with someone as complicated as Tony before, with a past that haunted him, but I also hadn’t wanted any other man in quite this way before. It was written all over my face every time I even looked in his direction. The whole town knew it.
“I appreciate that. And I’ll do my best to give you what you need,” he said, his brow furrowing slightly. “I used to be good at talking. Lydia always said it was one of my best qualities, but I haven’t been doing much of it lately, in case you haven’t noticed.”
I waved him off. “I’m sure it’s like riding a bike.”
“I’m sure it is.”
“Okay then.”
“Okay then,” he repeated, giving me a soft grin. “Any otheruncomfortablequestions?”
Is he teasing me?
“I don’t know. Those two seemed like the most important. I hadn’t really thought beyond them.”
I wasn’t sure if I was being naive again, like I’d been with Liam, but it didn’t feel that way in my heart. I couldn’t possibly know what else I should be asking when I’d never dealt with anything like this before. It seemed like more of afigure it out as we gotype of thing. This was new territory for both of us, but as long as we wanted to travel the terrain together, I was confident that we could make it through.
“Well, before you get too excited—because I’m clearly such a catch”—he finished off his glass of wine in one gulp—“I have to ask you for something.”
My heart sank a little inside my chest even though it should have stayed in place because we’d made so much progress. “Ask.”
“I’ve given this a lot of thought. And I think what I’ll need the most—and honestly, I feel like I have no right to ask this of you—is patience. I’m going to need you to be patient with me, Ava, because it’s been a while since I’ve done this, and I might not be any good at it anymore.”
