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“By she… I’m assuming you mean Meghan.”
“Bingo.”
“Yeah, she’s nice. I’m guessing you overheard me earlier…”
“She called you every day to make sure you were okay, huh? That’s a good friend. I wish I’d had someone like that in my life… I mean, the years before I died.”
“You didn’t?” I asked.
“No. Not really. I mean, I guess I had my family… but… you know how they can be.” He shrugged his shoulders. Of course, I knew how they could be. I recalled the Christmas before we parted ways. His family had invited Mom and me over for dinner. The most silent, awkward, and tense dinner I’d ever been to. Silent until, luckily, Mom struck up a conversation with Jamie’s mom that lasted for the rest of the night.
“Anyway, I’m not here for us to talk about me,” Jamie said. “Or my family.”
“Shocker,” I said. “You didn’t like talking about yourself before, either. And, in any case, how is it fair that you can read my thoughts, and I can’t read yours?”
“Don’t blame me for that. I don’t make the rules.”
“Then, who does?” I asked. “God or something?”
Not that I was or ever had been religious. Even when I had been searching for answers after Dad’s passing, I never subscribed to any specific religion or set of rules. At best, I had once considered myself spiritual. But now? Even with Jamie being here, I still didn’t know what I was anymore.
“Ever seenThe Good Place?” Jamie asked, and I shook my head no. “Well, okay. It isn’t anything like that show. But… in the beginning of the series… when they are in…” he stopped to add air quotes. “…The Good Place.” He moved his hands back down before continuing. “They say that none of the religions were right. That some random dude got high and got 98% of the whole afterlife thing correct. Yeah, it’s sort of like that.”
A half-smile crossed my face, pulling what little knowledge I had of the show from my arsenal of random facts. “Okay, so, there’s a good place and a bad place?”
“No. It doesn’t work like that.”
“But… you just said it was like the show.”
“No. Not at all. Only in the sense of that message… that no one down here is right. Except maybe some random man or woman stoned out of their mind. Or maybe sober out of their mind. Who knows?” Jamie smirked. “I’ll tell you how it works someday soon. But today isn’t the day. Let’s get back to talking about you.”
My smile vanished, and I groaned. Not so much because I needed to know the secrets of the universe but more because I had no crazy desire to have someone sit here and interrogate me about my life.
“It won’t be an interrogation,” he said. “Just talking.”
“What are you, my therapist?” I asked, face grim. “You know I already have one of those, too.”
“Not your therapist,” he said. “Think of me as more of a… life coach.”
“That’s ironic.” I narrowed my eyes and tipped my head forward.
“But very true.” A smile of enchantment touched his lips. It was almost like it didn’t bother him at all that he’d killed himself. Or, if it had, he’d come to terms with the fact that he was no longer in the physical world. It made me think that he’d done the right thing. That suicide was the answer to end a perpetual life of pain.ThisJamie seemed weightless and unburdened, drenched in sparkling energy that dripped off his aura. I inhaled deeply, love caressing my insides.
“Suicide isn’t the answer,” Jamie whispered.
I wanted to respond. To tell him that things seemed to be working out well enough for him. But a heaviness had crept over my frontal lobe, and I found myself at a loss of words. Suddenly, I became very aware of the lack of sleep I’d had in the last week or so, and my body desired nothing more than to succumb to a deep slumber.
My eyelids gently shut, and I took a few more deep breaths. In through the nose, and out through my mouth. As I lay there next to Jamie, I thought of Dave again. More specifically, my mind raced back to one of our final conversations before he moved out. I smelled the gasoline exhaust in my garage, heard the door opening from behind. Saw Dave’s eyes squinting at me beadily, mouth puckered in a thin line.
“I can’t handle you anymore,” Dave had said inside the garage, dangling the keys from above.
“Jemma?” Jamie’s soft voice brought me back to the empty room. My eyes slowly opened. Jamie smiled at me sadly, wisps of blond hair falling around his face. He continued, “What were you doing in the garage when Dave found you?”
My jaw clamped tight, brows drawing downward in a frown. The area between my eyes tightened.
“I was trying to kill myself,” I murmured. “Carbon-monoxide poisoning. I figured… sure-fire way to do the job the right way. No way anyone could resuscitate me. No failed drowning attempts. No cliff with heights that would scare me too much. This time, I was sure I’d be free from all the pain. And yet… I failed.”
I breathed the words into the space between us.
