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Reality—being back here in my kitchen, in my house in Portland—dropped on me like a fifty-pound weight. I groaned as the heaviness returned, filling every cavity inside my body with a stiffness I’d grown so used to. It was only from being in a more weightless circumstance—that odd dream world I’d just visited—that I felt the obvious difference now.
“Welcome back to Earth,” Jamie murmured. I slid up, sitting on my calves, and turned to face him. Next to me, he flickered dimly, barely a glow around his body. His back positioned toward the window slider, the light from the moon splashing white across the back of his hair and down his neck, brighter than his own aura. His face was shrouded in a grey darkness. His nose tilted down, eyes shut as if he were deep in thought, meditating.
“What the hell did I just see?” I asked, perplexed as fuck. Grogginess still creeping into my voice.
“When you fell asleep… your soul joined mine,” he said, matter-of-fact. “In the subconscious… otherwise known as… the spirit world.”
“What do you mean… my souljoinedyours? I’ve never had a goddamn dream like that before.”
“That’s because it wasn’t exactly a dream.”
“And… what I saw… with you in the car…”
“I brought you to see me the night before I killed myself.”
I repeated his words in my mind. Then, I thought back to eight months ago. Remembering the snow that’d melted the day that Mom called me to give me the news.
“Therehadbeen a snowstorm,” I said to no one. “God… I remember…”
I swallowed hard, my bottom lip trembling, as I rigidly held my tears in cheek. But then, they welled within my eyes, and my gaze became cloudy. A loud sob escaped my lips.
And then, that was it.
I burst into tears.
“Why would you do that?” The words flew out of my mouth much more hostile than I’d anticipated. “Why would you do that… without warning me?”
“You wanted to see my life,” Jamie said, his aura flickering like crazy, oscillating between bright and dull. I could see now just how upset he was. Just how conflicted he still was—even beyond the grave. The image of Jamie from eight months ago crying into the steering wheel, banging his fist against his leg, haunted me. Tugged at me as painfully as a dagger to the gut.
I let out a sigh, dropping the defensive wall around my heart as Jamie continued.
“You wanted to know more about me,” he said, flailing his arms in the air. “You wanted to know what I’d been through. You wanted to know—”
I placed a finger to his lips. His energy settled, resuming a constant glow around his body. I flung my arms around him, pressing his vibrating body against mine. My fingers gripped the shirt around his back. He shook within my embrace, wet tears dripping from his cheeks onto my chest. Slowly, his hands worked their way up the small of my back, resting there gently. I allowed the tingle to wash over me at his touch, despite the caustic circumstances.
We remained seated this way, our arms wrapped around each other, his head buried in my chest.
“I’m supposed to be here to help you,” he said softly in between sobs. “What good am I? I can’t even get it right… I can’t even get it right when I know how you’re feeling… and know how you’re thinking… I can’t ever get it right.”
“Consider the person you’re trying to help,” I said, attempting to make some sort of joke, though neither of us laughed. After a moment of awkward silence, I added, “You’re doing the best you can.”
“Am I?” he asked. “How is that when… all you want is for me to leave?”
I shook my head. “Would you have wantedmeto stay, if the roles were reversed?”
“No. I wouldn’t have,” he said without hesitation, sighing as he released the words. “Ugh… I guess… you’re right.”
Though I appreciated the honesty, I couldn’t help but feel slighted at the idea that Jamie would push me away if I’d been the one to go first and come back to visit him. If I’d come to visit him in this way.
“See? So don’t take it so personally,” I said, hoping he wouldn’t want to talk about the thoughts that had just gone through my head.
“Jemma? If I’d had any sense… I wouldn’t have pushed you away the first time.”
“But… you did. And here we are.” The words tasted salty in my mouth.
“There are so many things you don’t know about me.”
“And there are so many things you don’t know about me. Especially back then. You knew nothing about my life.”
