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* * *
No one will ever love you.
My inner thoughts stung me at the very depth of my soul. The words told me everything I needed to know. I jumped up from the ground and swung my leg across the board, the planchette ricocheting into the night.
“I need to go,” I said. The words like venom, intended to cut right into Jamie. Intended to cut right into anyone near me.
“But, wait—”
“Don’t follow me.”
“Jemma—”
“Don’t. Follow.”
“Jemma—”
“I’ve hadenoughof you, Jamie.”
* * *
I returned to my dorm room alone to unleash all my fury and sadness.
I didn’t bother turning on any of the lights.
I sat on my bed, crossed legged.
I jumped back onto my feet, pacing around the tiny room. There had to be something I could do. Something I could break. Something I could destroy.
I slammed my hand into the frame of my bed. Pain stinging me in the best way possible. I slammed my other arm. Repeating the actions on each side—over and over and over and over and over and over and over and over.
Until the pain was so sharp, I couldn’t feel a fucking thing on either arm.
When I finished, I lay back down on the bed. Numbness pulsing through my flesh where I’d made contact with the wood. Part of me regretting what I’d done—after all, had it really solved anything? Here I was, still existing with the pain.
The other part happy as hell. The stinging a sign of victory. A sign that I could beat the ever living shit out of myself. A sign that I could still feel something so goddamn real.
I squeezed my eyes shut.
“FUCK YOU!” I screamed, kicking the bedpost. Not sure if, at this particular moment, I was referring to Jamie or my dad. I kicked and kicked and kicked and kicked and kicked and kicked…
Then I let out primal scream so loud it could have awakened the entire campus. In fact, I was surprised someone didn’t come knocking on my door. A person occupied the room next to me, and these walls were so thin that sometimes I heard her bed creak.
I couldn’t help it though. I didn’t care. Wake the whole fucking school.
I didn’t care.
I didn’t care.
I didn’t care.
I did not care.
But… no… this wasn’t true.
I was lying to myself
Of course I cared.
