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Such a funny word.
Especially when rebuilding my home meant eventually losing the one person who made me feel the most at home.
An espresso colored couch pressed up against the back wall, in a very dimly lit section of the store, surrounded by other pieces of furniture to set the faux mood of a living area. Two sofa tables, one on each side of the furniture. A lamp. They’d even mounted a painting up on the wall. A picture of woods in the fall—barely a leaf left on any of the branches on the trees.
A flash of the Ouija board rushed through my mind. The rustle of wind. The hooting of an owl. My hand on the planchette…
Your dad would do it again.
The words popped into my head, and I tried to push them away once more. No. I couldn’t talk about this right now. Preferably ever.
Your dad would do it again.
“Jems,” Jamie said. “Why don’t you take a seat on the couch, okay?”
“Okay.” I slid down against the leather, the material cool against my back. Jamie leaned down with me, resting his head against mine.
“Do you want to talk about it?” he asked.
“Not right now,” I said, taking a deep breath. “Not here, anyway.”
“Alright.” His hands wrapped around mine, squeezing my palm.
I squeezed my eyes shut, trying to stop the tears that were already falling. The ones I’d become so accustomed to as of late. I hoped to god that no other customer would randomly pass by and see me sitting here, crying this way. Honestly, it would have been less mortifying for them to overhear me talking to myself—to my invisible friend, as it were—than the embarrassment of anyone catching me crying in public.
“Jemma,” Jamie murmured. “Let it out, honey. It doesn’t matter whether people are watching you or not. By the way, they’renot.”
“It’s not true, is it?” I asked, the only words that I could think to say. Tears bubbled in front of my eyes. “The Ouija board… that dream…”
Your dad never loved you.
A loud sob escaped my lips. I shook beneath Jamie’s embrace, as he pressed me against his chest. I wept into his arms, a mixture of anguish from the pain and mortification at the idea that anyone who walked by would see me sitting here alone in this manner.
“What the Ouija board said couldn’t be farther from the truth,” Jamie said, his voice soothing. “Couldn’t. Be. Further. Your dad’s suicide had nothing to do with you. He regretted it. Just like I did. The moment he pulled the trigger.”
“How do you know?” I let out another sob, processing the words Jamie had just told me. “Have you… seen him?”
He nodded. “Yes.”
“Really?” A level of shock attached to my shaky voice. I mean, I sort of assumed that all dead people hung out together, but hearing Jamie say for a fact he’d seen him still surprised me.
“We don’t…all hangout together.” He chuckled softly, brushing his finger through my hair. “But… I’ve had a conversation with him. A couple of times. He was one of the spirits there to greet me. Once I had passed.”
I fell silent as the tears continued to flow from my eyes. I didn’t know what to say or how I was supposed to feel. These last couple of weeks, things had come up for me that I hadn’t dealt with or thought of in a very long time. So many painful emotions rushed to the surface that I couldn’t isolate and identify one single thing.
I was overwhelmed.
“You’re allowed to feel pain,” Jamie said. “You’re allowed to feel pain so deeply, you don’t understand what it is your feeling. You’re grieving.”
“I am?” I sniffled. “Over what? Dad died years ago… and I didn’t have a relationship with you when you died. So how the fuck could I have been grieving over a guy I no longer had in my life?”
“I’d say… you’re grieving over three people. Maybe four. But the fourth is up for interpretation.”
“Three orfourpeople?” I asked. “Who?”
He stuck out a finger, counting up as he listed off the names. “You’re grieving over the loss of the boy you dated in high school. The one who you loved.” He stuck up his thumb. “You’re grieving over your father… the man who took his life without giving you any closure.” He stuck up his index finger. “And, finally, you’re grieving over the loss of your husband. The relationship that should have been the most treasured in your entire life. The bond that two people are supposed to share so long as their physical bodies endure. Your husband. The person who made a vow to always be there for you. He broke something incredibly sacred.”
“You don’t grieve over a person who isn’t dead.”
