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“Yeah. I wouldn’t just go,” he said. “You’re right, though. Being okay doesn’t necessarily mean living without pain. Being okay means being able to handle the pain. Being okay means knowing you can survive.”
The reflection in his eyes told me that perhaps, as he said these words, he was realizing the truth in them for the very first time.
I climbed into the car as Jamie seamlessly disappeared and then reappeared in the passenger seat. My hands rested against the wheel. I watched everyone else leaving IKEA—the mob in the parking lot contrasted with how dead it had seemed to be by the couches. Most people walked with their families. I noticed a man and a woman with their young son. Another couple, two tall guys, who held hands. A young guy and woman, maybe in their early twenties, raced toward the front doors as if they had never been to an IKEA before.
And for the first time in a long time, I smiled. Truly, genuinely smiled. Because… whether or not Jamie was leaving, I’d gotten the experience of walking through an IKEA with someone who I loved.
Everyone deserved to go through an IKEA once with their significant other.
Everyone.
Hashtag… relationship goals.
“You want to put on some music, Jems?”
“Yeah. I’d like that.”
I pressed the knob for the radio which instantly turned on to 101.9 Kink FM—my favorite Portland station. It played all the good music—the indie rock stuff you didn’t ordinarily find. When I thought of Portland—more specifically,Keep Portland Weird—I thought of this station. And the music. The music should’ve been the soundtrack for the entire city of Portland, if that could actually be a thing.
Peace Trainby Cat Stevens filled the car.
Jamie immediately began to tap his fingers against the dashboard. I tapped mine in response. He smirked. I smirked. He tapped his fingers a little harder, and I mirrored him. Until we were both jamming out to Cat Stevens.
I drove, and we continued like this all the way back home. I’d glance over at him, a huge grin wrapped across his face. I couldn’t help but laugh, filled with more happiness than I’d experienced in a long time.
For the first time ever, I felt like I was in one of those indie movies that try to make a point about human loss. You know, one of those dark films, full of pain and sadness. Except I was in the moment when, despite the pain, the characters are able to share one happy moment. Where they can smile and be happy and relish in the fact that they’re together.
For that single car ride, Jamie laughed. I laughed.
Neither of us could stop the joy in our hearts.
Chapter Fifty-One
Channel Surfing
“Can I flip through the channels?” Jamie asked. “I want to see if they have any of our favorite B-rated horror films on. We’re getting close to that time of year.”
“Yes, we are,” I agreed, spreading out more on the plaid blanket in the room that was re-becoming my den. “And, if I remember correctly, you used to love Halloween.”
“That I did.” He crossed his arms over his chest, pacing in front of the TV. I’d never seen a ghost look more serious. At that thought, Jamie flashed me a look, grinning before turning back to face the screen.
We’d setup the TV (well, I’d setup the TV) against the back wall, simply laying it against the carpet next to a spare cable box I found in the closet. I hadn’t yet assembled the entertainment unit for the television. That was one thing I absolutely hated: self-assembly. So, it could wait for tomorrow. Tonight, I was ready to relax.
In any case, a TV somehow made the place feel homelier already. Even if it was sitting on the carpet with a bunch of cords hanging out the back in plain sight. I’d shut off the lights right after I’d gotten it hooked up, so we were in near darkness as the screen flashed with some random movie—Game Night—that we’d stopped on as we were scrolling through.
I rested on my back, tossing the remote back and forth between my hands. My next words dripped with a playfulness that surprised even me. “Alright… IguessI can let you flip through the channels. Since it is your time of year and all. You know, the time when spirits come out.”
“Oh, that’s so not why I’m here with you.” He smirked. “Besides, I thought you loved Halloween as much as I did.”
“Yeah, well, I used to love it a lot.”
A slight pressure reached my fingers, a sign I had grown familiar with being a sign that Jamie had taken control. A second later, my fingers wiggled—Jamie’s doing, of course—while keeping the remote cradled between my two hands.
“Okay, so. We only have so much time,” I said as my fingers pushed through the buttons, Jamie’s eyes on the screen as he went through the list of movies playing on the guide. “I’m going to ask you some questions. To get to know you better.”
“Oh yeah?” he asked, attention still focused on the TV. “Like, what kind of questions?”
“What was the last movie you watched before you died?” I asked, letting go of any fear that there could be an insensitive question. At this point, it seemed as if Jamie and I were past all that, anyway.
