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He shook his head. “No one has to tell you. The minute you pass away, your soul knows. It’s not even a question.”
I paused. Biting my lip. A rush of sadness washed over me hearing all this. Not at the idea that someone would know their soulmate the moment they were no longer on earth. Rather, the idea that people in the physical world could miss seeing their soulmate who was standing right in front of them.
“You didn’t know until after you passed away,” I said. “When I was right there, you had no idea. You directly told me I wasn’t your eternal flame.”
“I know.”
“Well, that doesn’t make sense to me. Was it just that you were confused? How did you not feel… stronger toward your own soulmate?”
“You have to be in the right place for love, Jems. You also have to be open to it.”
“You weren’t?” I cocked an eyebrow, instantly thinking of Melissa. No matter how many times Jamie and I had this conversation, I couldn’t stop that painful memory from surfacing. Or the jealousy that lingered from such a terrible time.
“I was in an awful place. At a young age,” he said. “You know how it was. You were in an awful place, too. But to be young and in pain… the way I processed it? I didn’t view life the way I do now. It’s almost like I was a different person. I can see the way I acted. I can see the things I said to you. I can tell you why I said them… but… at the same exact time… I also can’t tell you why I would have ever said them.”
He gripped my hands in his as he continued.
“This Jamie? If I’d met you as an adult, I would’ve known you were the one for me. As soon as we started getting to know each other.”
I smiled, letting his words sink in. Only a few days had passed, yet so many things had changed. Yes, I still had all the internal scars from the past, the depression that lingered in the cavities of my mind and body, and I wondered if that pain would ever go away. But now, hearing Jamie tell me that his adult version of himself would have always loved me, so many negative emotions seemed to drain from my system. I had no doubt that this lighter version of Jemma would stay with me even when I woke up.
“I understand what you’re saying,” I said. “I feel the same way as what you just described. When I think back to us. I would have done so many things differently.”
“You would have?”
“Well, yeah. I mean, I told you I loved you, yes. But the regrets with me are that I didn’t open up to you. Maybe then… maybe then we could’ve at least stayed friends. And you wouldn’t be where you are. Jamie, I know you’re here with me. But it’s still… soul-wrenching that you’re dead.”
“I know.” He sighed, not even bothering to correct me on my use of the word dead.
“And… I know… one day, our souls will be together again. Permanently. But… seventy years, if I make it that that long… that’s a long time to be without your soulmate.”
“I know,” he repeated. “You’re right.”
“I wish we could have a do-over,” I said. “Even if we only went back a year. I could get your number from my mom… and call you or something. Facebook you. Search for you on social media. Anything. Go back to that snowy day, the day you were still alive, and drive to your house and find you.”
“How I wish you could.”
“But, still, there’s something that bothers me. Would you have been open to seeing me again? Without the knowledge that we’re soulmates? Without the knowledge of all of this?” I gestured my arms, indicating this room, indicating this entire place and dimension. Indicating that life simply didn’t stop after physical death. “Or would we have made each other even more depressed, just like before, without the knowledge that souls are eternal?”
“I would’ve always been open to talking to you again, Jemma. I’m not sure how happy I would’ve been, but I would have tried. For you, I would have tried.”
I couldn’t argue with him there. Of all people, I understood that depression didn’t simply disappear. The weight of all of our experiences—the good, the bad, the ugly—stayed with us. Something I hadn’t quite realized before. Of course, it made sense. Pain stuck to you as permanently as a tattoo or gorilla glue.
But while the idea of letting it all go was great and all, how did you realistically let it go? How could I do this, knowing the most therapeutic relationship in my life would be on pause for the next seventy or so years?
Tears sprung to his eyes as he said, “I know, honey. I know.”
Rain began to fall, pattering against the roof. Though it was apparently because of Jamie’s internal feelings, the soft sound of rain against the building calmed me.
“We’re not going to get a flash flood this time, right?” I joked.
“No.” Jamie grinned. “But, on a positive note, we’re finally able to hold each other during a rainstorm.”
I kissed his forehead before wiping away the tears that lingered in his lashes. Then, I squeezed him to me more tightly than ever before, linking even my legs with his.
“The best we can do is appreciate whatever time we have,” I said. “To be honest, I don’t want to heal. I don’t want to make it to the next level. I want to stay in this emotional state for the rest of my life. Do you think it’s possible we could arrange that?”
He shook his head, voice sounding as dejected as I’d ever heard.
