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“You should get some sleep. Rosie wakes up at the crack of dawn and Tommy’s gonna be up early for school. It’s a circus around here in the mornings.”
Even in the darkness, his pride for his family shines bright.
“It makes me happy that you have love and stability in your life now.”
“And you’ll have it all too... You already do, you just gotta get used to it.”
His words stay with me long into the night. I keep waiting for boots to pass outside my door. Or doors to bang. Again, there’s nothing but silence. Ironically, it’s too loud. Thinking of the guy from the club distracts me and I cringe when I remember his face as I walked out. I shouldn’t have done him dirty like that, but I know how the guys are at the club. He wouldn’t have had any trouble finding someone else to finish him off. He was the only new face wearing the patch I didn’t know and after one glimpse, I couldn’t take my eyes off of him. His dark hair was shaved close to his scalp. His tattoos. Just the way he held himself, it all caught my eye, and I took my chances he was single. I missed sex nearly as much as I did my freedom. Tonight, I got what I needed, just like a man does, and I got out. I swore the day I found my ex in bed with my best friend that I’d never live my life around a man again.
Louis was right on the money. Rosie started crying at six a.m. and Tommy was bouncing around shortly after. I’d only gotten to sleep at five but as the house came alive, I felt better.
Breakfast was quite the experience. I sat at the table, watching it all happen around me like a TV show. Louis and Evie moved in complete sync, each knowing what their jobs are. Evie prepares breakfast, and Louis dishes it out and feeds Rosie a mashup of milk and banana. And once Tommy’s dressed, Louis ushers him out the door to school. The house goes from being a circus to silence once Rosie has had her morning bottle and plays happily on her playmat in the living room.
I enjoy my first shower as a free woman, able to lock the bathroom door and stand under the water without numerous other women lingering around. It didn’t take me long to get used to being naked around other women or the screws. In prison there is no privacy and if you don’t learn it on your first day, you sure do by the second.
Evie buzzes around the kitchen with the mop and smiles when she sees me hovering in the doorway.
“I’m going to head into town and search for a job,” I tell her.
Her brows knit together, and her frown is one of the cutest things I’ve ever seen. She still has the doe-eyed beam about her that she wore the first time I met her.
“What?” I ask hesitantly.
“You don’t need to go anywhere, you do it all online these days.”
Oh yeah. I learned this in prison. I should’ve remembered the world has changed. It’s so easy to slip back to how life was ten years ago.
“And Louis said to give you this,” she says and hands me a box from the counter.
A picture of a phone covers the top side of the box and I head into the living room and open it up. The thing is slick and feels like it’ll smash at the hint of being dropped.
“Louis also said to tell you that it’s topped up with credit and he’s saved everyone’s numbers for you.”
I had my own phone inside, but it wasn’t this fancy. I spend two hours searching for jobs by way of joining job sites and my head spins by the time Rosie starts to cry. Tossing the phone on the sofa, I pick my niece up and she settles, her chubby little fingers latching onto my hair.
“Shall we go for a walk,” I say, not expecting an answer.
Finding Evie out in the garden, hanging out the washing, her smile grows when she lays eyes on her daughter. I used to wind her up when she was pregnant after they found out they were to have a daughter, that she would be the spit of Louis, but Rosie has the appearance of her mother.
“I’m going out for a walk, is it alright if I take Rosie with me?”
“Is it alright?” She snorts. “I won’t turn down time to myself.”
While I see if one of my old jackets still fits, Evie gets Rosie ready in her pram.
She waves us off and I walk aimlessly as Rosie flaps her hands around trying to hit the toys hanging from the hood of the pram. Walking through the park, it’s nice to see some things haven’t changed. Throughout town, old shops have closed down and not many new ones have opened up. It’s shocking how many empty shops there are. The place looks like something out of a dystopian tale.
Ten minutes away from the town centre, I’m standing outside my old house. The one I shared with Matt. He left town shortly after getting out of the hospital and Bethany went into hiding fearing Louis would go after her for testifying. The police worked me hard for a confession, but my lawyer pushed me to go to trial. The whole thing dragged on for months but while on remand I got to see my brother as much as he could visit. Pushing the pram, I walk away trying to push out the memories. I remember the day when I signed the tenancy. It was my first house all to myself. At the time Louis spent most nights at the club and paid my rent till I found a job that paid more than minimum wage. There was never a chance he would’ve left me at home with our dad. Five streets over, I’m standing outside my childhood home. I double check I’m outside the right place. Today, there are new windows, the drive has been repaved and there are pots of pretty, colourful flowers everywhere. The nets in the windows are white and not stained yellow by nicotine. The front door is a crisp white with no broken window. It’s the home it always should have been.
I trail behind my brother, a ball of sickness burying itself deep in my belly. Louis long ago mastered how to open the front door without getting the attention of our dad and he steps to the side to let me in and closes it just as quietly. Dad passed out in his armchair, the TV turned up too loud, and empty beer cans on the coffee table. I spot the five-pound note at the same time Louis does. He steps forward and my arm shoots out to stop him. I know what he’s about to do without him telling me.
His angry glare doesn’t scare me and my skinny fingers clench onto his school jumper.
“Let go,” he mouths.
Shaking my head, I make sure to whisper, “If he catches you, you’ll get the belt.”
Or worse.
