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Filling the drawers with my new underwear, tops, and jeans and hanging my new dresses in the wardrobe, my bags shoved into the bottom from prison catch my eye. I’ve only unpacked the necessities since being released. There’s something to be said for going through old clothes, that the last time you wore them you were a different person… and ten years younger. Sitting on the floor, I pull out one of the bags containing my journals and I flip open the first one my hand lands on. The first page is angry scrawls from my first week behind bars. Page after page of feelings, highs, and lows, sometimes deep, deep lows. I can barely focus on the ink for not wanting to travel down memory lane but then, it hits me. I was surrounded by so many women over the years, all with their own struggles and demons to keep at bay. Yet all we felt was alone. Believing that we were the only ones to have vile parents that showed us no love or kindness.
I can put all my experiences and stories into a book, all the bad and the ugly. People love a true crime story these days. I can work through my shit by cataloguing my experiences at the same time.
Feeling lighter than I have in a long time, I put away my journals and slip on my new pair of boots. Counting out enough cash for what I need, I grab my phone and keys and jog down the stairs.
“I’m heading into town before the shops close,” I call through the house, letting Evie know.
“Do you need a lift?”
Glancing at the time, I’ll be cutting it close if I leave right now. If I wait for her to get the kids ready, I might miss my chance.
“It’s okay. I won’t be long.”
I forget living with Louis has its rules and I unlock the door, reminding myself it’s not the same as prison, only for my brother’s sanity knowing his family is safe when he’s not around.
I go to step out and stop short. Louis and Manik are walking up the front path each carrying bags of takeout.
“Where you going?” Louis barks out.
“Out to buy a laptop.”
“I thought you were using Evie’s?”
“I need my own.”
“You’ll have to get it tomorrow, we’ve brought home dinner. Besides, you probably won’t make the shops now. It’s getting late.”
I might have had a chance if I wasn’t held up but glancing at the time on my phone, he’s probably right.
“Fine.”
He steps around me and heads inside while Manik moves closer to me.
“It was your brother’s idea for me to come for dinner.”
That sounds… wrong. My brother can’t be second-guessed. Manik is looking good today, not that it has anything to do with anything. I step back into the house, needing space from him and he follows me into the kitchen. Evie’s dishing up the Chinese food Louis gave her and takes the last two bags from Manik.
I smile at my brother holding Rosie and wonder how he found it capable of finding such love. Maybe if he can find his happiness, then it’s also possible for me. His gaze sweeps from mine to over my shoulder and I’m reminded that Manik is here. I want to ask my brother how this is happening but I’ll save it for later.
“Babe, this is Manik. Brother, meet my old lady, Evie.”
Evie pauses dishing up and shakes Manik’s outstretched hand.
“It’s good to meet you,” they both say to each other and then laugh. I’m not sure if I like him being here so I keep my laughter to zero.
He places his hand on my lower back and nudges me toward the table. Evie calls for Tommy and before I can blink, everyone’s around the table, and for the first time in years, I’m about to eat food that hasn’t come out of a can or tastes of nothing. I used to love a Chinese takeaway and my mouth waters seeing Louis has remembered all my favourite dishes. Conversation buzzes around me but I dig into my food and my taste buds come alive with all the different tastes and textures.
Manik talks easily with Tommy and Tommy being Tommy loves having another biker around. In all the drawings Evie sent to me from him with her letters, him and Louis were always on motorcycles. He told me the first time we met that when he’s old enough he’ll be buying himself a motorcycle. Louis was proud but Evie appeared sick at the thought.
“How are you finding it here in Eastford?” Evie asks Manik as he peeks at me.
I tense waiting for his reply. “It’s not much different from back home, but I am liking it.”
Evie’s eyes automatically find mine and I drop my gaze and concentrate on my plate like I need it to survive. I still can’t get over Louis inviting him here. Even when we were kids, he never liked anyone coming to our house, not even to knock for us to go out and play. One time, a kid called Petey knocked for us and because it woke our dad, Louis bore the brunt of his bad mood for it. My brother went in search of Petey and kicked the shit out of him. He made sure the other kids on our estate saw and from that day onward, no one knocked at our door. Louis’s always been there for me, in one way or another. He never put himself first. I’ve often wondered if he’d be the way he is now if we have had a different childhood. Loving parents who cheered him on to do well in school and any hobbies he may have had. Maybe I would’ve had the chance to go to ballet classes or join the choir. I used to watch the kids at school go off to their after school clubs and the envy I felt would have me crying into my pillow each night. But as I got older, I’d tell myself as long as I had my brother, I didn’t need anything else. He was priceless and worth more than any school activity.
“What’s distracting you tonight?” Manik asks quietly.
Blinking, I notice Tommy’s left the table and Evie and Louis are at the sink doing the dishes. I shake my head, hoping he understands I don’t want to talk in front of anyone and I narrow my eyes, trying to figure him out when he seems to catch on and shuts up.
