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Louis picked me up my own laptop yesterday and I spent all last night reading through my journals and reading over what I’ve already handwritten, allowing the past to open me up. I made a shit ton of notes. This morning, I jumped out of bed and into the shower. Evie took Tommy to school and Louis took Rosie to the club while Evie worked her shift at the salon. I have the house to myself, and I set myself up at the kitchen table. My laptop is on, Evie set up a Word programme before she left, and I have a steaming hot cup of coffee. My notes are stacked into a neat pile to my side and I’m ready to start. I haven’t bothered checking the job website. I Google how to write a book instead and it’s not very helpful.
Leaning back in my chair, doubt plagues me but one glance at my notes and it all falls into place. It doesn’t have to be a book per se. It could be journal entries with my thoughts added in.
Brushing my fingertips over the keys, I take a deep breath and type,My first memory is a happy one laced with fear around the edges. I once thought all memories were like that, that everyone’s memories were good mixed with the bad. It took being sentenced to ten years in prison to learn I was wrong.
My mum had raven black hair like Snow White. She was a princess to me. But unlike all fairy tales, mine, so far, hasn’t had a happy ending. I’m not alone when chasing happiness. I’ve come to learn, happiness for some is a daily fight just to get a glimpse of catching. Even when you see someone smiling and laughing, I wonder is that the truth in their soul? I spent so long smiling and laughing when really my soul was bleeding. To this day it’s the truth for me. I tell myself I’ll stop seeking happiness and if it comes, it comes. Perhaps I’ve just come to live with the notion that I’m not deserving of such highs. I guess it starts with my first memory.
I was four, maybe five years old, and my mum had won at bingo. It was late and me and my brother should’ve been in bed. My mum sat us down at the kitchen table, her smile was of pure joy. At that moment, her soul wasn’t bleeding. She held a stack of money in each hand and threw it all in the air. Laughter filled the kitchen and mum danced around, her arms above her head and she promised to take us into town the next day and buy us whatever toy we chose. Louis, my brother, and I joined our mum, and we danced around the table, picking up notes and throwing them back into the air. My cheeks ached from happiness then my stomach tightened when my dad stumbled through the door and demanded to know what was going on, and why the little shits, me and Louis, weren’t in bed. My mum was so excited to tell him about her win but the only thing he could do was stumble around scooping up every note. Hence my good memory turned sour. Mum fought against him to get her winnings back but with one hard shove, she was down on her arse, her head bouncing off of the kitchen side. Dad hovered over her, fist raised, and Louis took my hand and pulled me closer to him.
“Get your arses to bed!” Dad bellowed.
Even at a young age, we knew not to make him repeat himself. We ran up the stairs and hid under the covers, hands over our ears to block out our mother’s cries…
The front door bangs open, and I lean back in the chair to peer down the hall. Louis pushes Rosie through in her pram and leaves her in the hall. She must be asleep. I lower the screen so he can’t see what I’ve written so far when he pulls out the chair next to me.
“I wasn’t expecting you back this early?” I say noting it’s still early afternoon.
“I want to talk to you, and besides, I don’t like Rosie being at the club too long.”
I’m surprised he took her there in the first place. He leads his life the way he does but when it comes to his daughter, he wraps her in purity.
“What do you want to talk to me about?”
“Manik.”
Rolling my eyes, I can do without talking about him. Every time he pops up in my mind, I think of the ten years I spent behind bars because of a man. It reminds me of every single man in my life who’s ever lied to me.
“I’ve got a lot to do, Louis. I don’t…”
He cuts me off, telling me, “The woman you saw is his ex and she’s a problem that’s going to be going away very soon.”
My brother couldn’t care less about other people’s lives, so for her to be a problem to him means something dark is about to go down.
“What are you talking about? She’s leaving town?”
“Not exactly. I’ll be dealing with her, my way. Tonight.”
Whatever she’s done to warrant my brother’s punishment is not my business.
“Why are you telling me?”
“Because Manik’s outside, desperate to talk to you.”
“I don’t want to see him.”
“Just hear him out and if you still want him gone, I’ll get rid of him and make sure he doesn’t come back around here.”
Narrowing my eyes, I stare at my brother. “Why are you so for this?”
“Because I trust him with you.”
For my brother to urge me to talk to the man, I’ll hear him out.
“Fine. He has ten minutes.”
Heading out, he checks on Rosie before opening the door and letting out a quick whistle. Leaving the door open, he gently picks Rosie up, swaying her so she stays asleep, and nods to me once before going upstairs.
I stay where I am in my seat and listen to the door close and Manik’s soft footsteps walk through the hall. He pulls out the chair next to me and silence hangs between us.
