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I ease myself down onto the couch and he pulls up a chair from the table and spins it to sit backwards.
“I’ll tell you the same thing I told Vincent. I’m done with violence. Telling you who it was will only bring more of it and I’m fed up with it being wrapped around me like a straight jacket. It’s suffocating and draining. Please, respect my decision, it’s not going to change.”
His glare softens and when he speaks, it shocks the shit out of me.
“All I want is you to be happy, truly happy, deep down in your soul. And safe. I can’t give you my word that I’ll let this go, but I will give you my word that I’ll let it go for now. Once you’ve had time to process, I’m hoping you’ll feel differently.”
I doubt it but I nod to appease him, giving at least something. “I can kind of separate the violence between Dad and the other men in my past. It’s clear the cutoff point of what we went through growing up and then me constantly picking the wrong guy. But I do wonder what they’re doing now.”
“Who?”
“Matt and Beth, of course. I haven’t heard a thing about them for years and I would’ve thought I’d have bumped into them by now around town.”
His jaw tenses and he refuses to meet my eye. Colin and Duncan have no reason to lie that they fully believe Matt and Beth are dead. If they had left town, they would’ve sent word, they would’ve visited their families. There would’ve been contact at some point over the last decade.
Louis has never lied to me throughout our whole lives. Will he start now? I let the silence continue and watch him as carefully as he stares at me.
“If there’s something you want to ask me, ask it, Lex.”
I smile. I should’ve known he knows me as well as I know him. He misses nothing.
“Did they really leave town ten years ago?”
“Beth did, she was just dead as a doornail when she floated down the river on her way out. But Matt is buried at the bottom of his dad’s garden.”
For once I don’t know what to say to my brother. It would be a lie if I said it surprises me. But there is a small part of me that is wondering why he never told me. I specifically asked him to stay away from them after I was arrested. Perhaps deep down I knew he would go behind my back and deal with them regardless and I didn’t ask because I didn’t want to hear it. Regardless, he should’ve told me. Us living in the dark has never worked out for the best.
I stand and pace around the room. I stop to speak but nothing comes out. I continue walking around and stop again. “Why has no one ever reported them as missing?”
“The word around town at the time was that they ran off together and didn’t want you or me finding them.”
“You let me believe they both left town to start new lives.”
“I did what I had to do for you to move on.”
“Then you can understand I’m trying to do the same by not giving you a name.”
“I don’t think I’ll ever understand it, Lex, but I can respect it… to a certain point. It’s not in me to let someone get away with hurting you. Why can’t you understand that?”
Moving the pile of magazines to the other end of the coffee table, I take a seat and reach out for his hands. I need him to hear me and see clearly where I’m coming from.
“We have lives now, Lou. You’re a husband and a father, and you’re damn good at it. There are three people who dote and rely on you. You’re loved and needed. I have Vincent. I’m pretty sure he’s the real deal and I don’t need to be losing him to prison because he chased revenge alongside you. Our lives are worth living now and I won’t risk fucking it up. Our cycle of trauma ends. Tommy and Rosie, any future children I might have, they’re not going to be separated from any one of us because of violence.”
I feel the wetness rolling down my cheek and I release Louis’s hand to wipe the tear away.
“Nothing good will come from living in the past. Promise me the violence will end.”
He bites down into his bottom lip, and it takes a moment for him to nod.
“I promise you won’t see any more shit.”
“Let’s just be happy, Louis, we fucking deserve it.”
Neither one of us has any more to say and he leaves with a message from Evie, saying she’ll be by tomorrow with the kids.
I spend the morning cleaning and the afternoon reading through my life on the laptop screen. Closure is within my grasp and I’m desperate to put this chapter in my life to bed. To move on once and for all.
Brushing out my hair until it’s soft and smooth, I apply my make-up and pick out the outfit I want to wear today. I don’t have a single bruise left, and the cut running down my hairline is hidden by wearing my hair down. I spray my favourite perfume and step into the mist. My phone rings and Vincent’s name pops up on the screen. Hitting answer, I put him on speaker and place the phone on the dresser.
