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“I’m not really alone,” I said aloud. “Am I?”
I hoped I was talking to someone, but I feared I wasn’t. This would be yet another failure in a long line of failures.
In order to create some noise, I turned on the TV and put on a British cooking show. The gentle accents and dry humor helped put a little energy into the room, but not enough to stress me out. With the muscle relaxant still in my system, I sat down on the couch and put my head back. Before too long, I was fully horizontal and asleep.
I woke up to a knock at the door and the sun down.
“How are you feeling?” Leo asked when I opened it up. He was holding Bagel on a short leash because she was eager to say hello.
I just lifted my hand and moved it back and forth. It would be two weeks before I knew how I was feeling. If the implantation was a success, then I was overjoyed. And if it was a failure, I was defeated.
“Look,” he said, “I’d invite you over, but…” he trailed off. Being in his apartment alone with him had tended to end the same way and, for both of our sakes, it was best we avoided that indefinitely into the future. We were obviously too weak to behave like adults, so we just had to cut off the temptation. Additionally, it was bad enough that we’d had sex a couple of days before the implantation. Right now, with everything going on in my system, it was strongly advised against. Medically speaking, of course.
“Can I bring her in?” he asked. “It’s only for a second.”
“Be my guest,” I said.
Leo came in and closed the door behind him as I gave Bagel head scratches, which immediately led her to topple over onto the floor, revealing her belly to me.
“Look,” he said, “about that website you run…”
“Yeah?” I said, not bothering to look it up.
“Can I see it? The new algorithm and everything?”
“I thought it was bullshit,” I said.
“I just want to see something.”
“Okay.” I got up and grabbed the laptop, opening it to the page. I got back down on my knees and kept rubbing Bagel’s belly, forcing her legs into those little kicks that dogs do when you get them in just the right spot. Then I watched as Leo began putting his answers into the form.
“Do I need to have all the answers for the other person?” he asked.
“The more you have, the more accurate it’ll be.”
He left the questions about the first word and Halloween question blank and pressed enter. The screen loaded for a bit and then popped out an answer.
“Ninety-seven percent compatibility,” I said. “Who’s the lucky girl?” I was half joking and half seriously wondering if it was the nurse.
“Shit,” he said. From the look on his face, there was nothing funny about this.
“Have a good night,” he said, grabbing Bagel’s leash and lifting her up. “Don’t be afraid to come by if you need something.”
But he wasn’t even looking as he left and let the door close behind him.
What was going on?
CHAPTER14
***LEO***
Of course, it was just my luck. With Mila, I had absolutely zero chance of a future, according to that stupid algorithm, but Hannah and I were practically destined to be together. That’s the thing they don’t tell you about love when you’re growing up: the one for you might not be the one that makes you happiest. For most people, it was just an ever after because, for whatever reason, you and the other person just function well enough together to get along and not kill each other.
I was miserable with Hannah, but the more I thought about it, the more comfortable it seemed. We had similar enough schedules — at least once she molded me to hers — and we knew enough about each other’s quirks and idiosyncrasies to get by on a day to day level. Sure she was controlling, but I was someone who didn’t mind being controlled. Not too much, anyway.
And, at 35, I just didn’t have the energy in me anymore to meet new people.
The cardiac muscle never gets tired. That’s what we learned from our med school training, anyway. It just beats and beats and beats and doesn’t stop until you die. It made the heart stronger than any other muscle in the body.
