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The nurse sure was pretty. She had a kind of Audrey Hepburn quality to her, even if she didn’t look much like that girl from Roman Holiday. It was enough to make me jealous. This was someone that Leo probably saw every day and, the way she looked at him, I could tell she had a crush. It was in the way she responded, “Yes, doctor.” She enjoyed saying it just a little too much for my taste. I wondered if anything had ever happened between the two of them. Leo acted like he didn’t want to violate any inappropriate boundaries when he was with me, but I wasn’t sure how much of it was an act. Maybe that’s what he told all of his conquests.
Still, I liked believing that I was special.
“Are you comfortable, Ms. Saunders?” he asked.
“It’s a little cold,” I said.
That was an understatement. It was extremely cold, and I was exposed on this sterile, metal bed.
“Nurse?” Leo asked again.
“Yes, doctor.” Saying it the same exact way, almost as if to say, “I’d do anything for you,” before she went to the thermostat and adjusted it. Then she looked back at Leo with doting eyes, awaiting his next command.
He might see you every day, I thought, but I’m the one he’s impregnating, bitch. I knew I sounded insane, even in my own head. But that was how much I liked this guy, even though I didn’t want to.
“Are you ready?” Leo asked me. Was he this calm and methodical to all his patients? Taking his time like this? Or was he treating me special? It was impossible to tell, but at least I was the center of his attention for now.
The problem with a heart like mine is how easily it gets broken. I’d locked it up a thousand times only to let it out so it could shatter anew. This time wasn’t a complete disaster. We stopped before things got too serious, but I couldn’t help but wonder if maybe, in a different world, with different circumstances, things could have worked out.
If I wasn’t so hellbent on having a baby, maybe we could have seen where things would have gone. Or maybe not. He’d just gotten out of a relationship. The timing wasn’t right for him. It may have been forever and a day since my last relationship, but he needed time to explore his freedom, right? Not that he would have admitted that to me, but that’s what men wanted, right?
“Yes, doctor,” I said. Almost exactly the same way as the nurse. I looked over her to see how she liked that, but she just smiled forward with that vacant Barbie doll look on her face.
“Here we go,” he said.
I leaned back as they put the speculum in place and then closed my eyes, thinking back to those yoga stretches that I’d been doing. This wasn’t the time to stretch, but imagining the music helped keep me calm and allowed my mind to drift to anywhere else but here, where two men were fixated on my vagina as a nurse who was much too sexy for her own good looked on, awaiting either doctor to make a request of her.
As it happened, my mind moved toward the other night, with me spread out on the bed much as I was here in the implantation center. And Leo was on top of me, breathing heavily while looking me in the eyes. He was so passionate. I’d never felt more like a woman than in that moment.
Already, the memory was somewhat hazy, and I was almost as jealous of myself from a couple of nights ago as I was of the nurse. No matter how hard I focused, I couldn’t actually feel Leo inside of me, making love to me. All I could do was remember that it was amazing and know that it’d never happen again.
“All done,” Leo said. The time had gone by quickly. “Careful getting up. The muscle relaxant is still in your system, so give it a little time to wear off. You might experience some vaginal discharge later tonight — that’s perfectly normal, it’s not a sign that anything’s wrong. There also might be some cramping. Take an ibuprofen if you need to. It’s not going to harm the baby. Mostly, though, we recommend you take it easy and relax as much as you can over the next few days.”
I nodded. I’d put in for PTO at work to give me an extended weekend. If I started to feel antsy, I could always work from home, but I doubted that would happen.
“Any questions?”
“Yeah,” I said. “When will we know?”
It was amazing, all the little details I’d forgotten. Or maybe I’d just thought things might be different this time. Quicker and more efficient, since I was working with a younger doctor.
“Talk to reception about scheduling a follow up in two weeks.”
“We can’t make it any sooner?”
“There’s no point in rushing things. After two weeks, we should know for sure.”
* * *
A funny thing happened when I came back to the apartment. Instead of walking to my door, I went to Kiefer’s. My mind was elsewhere, I suppose, but for the longest time, it had been that if I needed to relax, I’d go next door. Kiefer, of course, wasn’t there and neither was Leo, who was no doubt still in the office. Someone else wasn’t there, either, though. There were no sounds of whines or little paws scratching against the floor. Bagel wasn’t home, and I remembered the note that Leo had texted me that morning:
Don’t worry about Bagel. She’ll be at doggy day care today.
Leo knew I’d be going in for the implantation and didn’t want her to be alone.
But it made home much quieter, which felt almost eerie. Instead of relaxing, I was on edge. Growing up, I’d always valued quiet and calm because it helped me work. Now it just accentuated how lonely my life was.
As I walked into my apartment, I looked down at my belly.
