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“I’ll miss you, girl,” I said, scarcely above a whisper, right into her ears. Maybe she couldn’t understand what I was saying, but at least I told her. I could be a little dishonest with Leo because I had to, but I drew the line at lying to a dog.
As I stood up, Leo joined me and held me in his arms, giving me a reassuring hug as I felt even worse for lying to him. And then he gave me a kiss. It was a kiss so good that it reminded me of the sacrifice that I was making for my child. The greatest guy I’d ever met and the best sex anyone could hope for and I was throwing it down the garbage chute in an effort to be a better mother. And I would have done it ten times over if I had to.
“I’d better go,” I said.
“I’ll see you in a couple of days,” Leo said.
“Yeah,” I told him back as I left the apartment and, as I did so, I felt a sense of relief.
That’s the last lie I’ll ever have to tell him, I thought.
CHAPTER24
***LEO***
Icouldn’t believe her. She’d practically been living a secret life without me, buying a house without even hinting at it. She was giving me the third degree about me not committing to her, and yet she couldn’t even let me know about something huge going on in her life, like her buying the single most expensive thing she’d ever buy in her future. How was I not committed? I was planning on raising a baby with her. Or so I thought I was.
But the last thing I wanted to do was scream at her, so I kept it inside and left, trying to get as far enough away from her so that I could be by myself.
I didn’t know where I’d end up that night, or how easily I’d be able to get Bagel out, so I took her for a long walk, letting her lead the way and allowing her nose to follow whatever smell happened to interest her. Back when I adopted her, the shelter told me that making sure she was mentally stimulated was as important as keeping her physically active — this was especially true of a young pit bull — and the way to do that was to really let her smell everything.
It was also her source of novelty and excitement in the world.
As we were walking, I noticed a sign for a dog park, so I took the leash a little more firmly and led Bagel in that direction. It was partially a way to tire her out even more, but I mostly needed to see her happy to cheer myself some. After taking her into the double gates of the park and removing her leash, I let her run free.
Her tail was out of control as she ran around the perimeter of the park once, then darted towards the first dog she could find — it looked like a black Labrador, but there might have been some other breeds mixed in — and they both sniffed each other. Then, after a brief pause where they stared at each other like adversaries in an old western, Bagel leaped off to her left and raced off, encouraging the other dog to chase her.
She was a natural and made friends quickly, in a way that would have almost made me jealous if it wasn’t so adorable. Her smile went from ear to ear. Finally, as the sun began setting and I knew we’d have to walk back, I called her over and we went back to the apartment, where I packed some of my stuff and drove to the nearest motel.
Like the other motel, this one had a no dogs allowed policy, and I made a note to myself to look into how I could make Bagel my emotional support animal. After all, my mental health was dependent on her. I don’t know what I would have done without her. Especially in a time like now, when I didn’t have anybody in my life.
The current mood was just a small blip, of course, or that was at least what I told myself, and in just a day or two, I’d come to my senses. Mila and I would reconcile and have our wild reconciliation sex, and life would go on, happily ever after.
Except it felt different this time. I knew I could be okay with not being the father of her child. Or at least I was pretty sure. In fact, I thought I was already there. It was just that Mila seemed to think that I was giving her the wrong reasons. It made no sense to me. I told her that I was committed to her, but it wasn’t good enough. She needed me to commit to a baby that wasn’t even mine, whom I hadn’t even met yet. How was I even supposed to do that?
She at least had the benefit of feeling the baby inside her body, but I couldn’t even appreciate that. She was still barely showing, and I couldn’t even feel the baby kick. To me, the baby was still just an idea.
Just like back when I had left Hannah, I asked for a room in the back of the motel, away from the front desk.
“The back?” the man behind the front desk asked with a thick Bronx accent, looking over his copy of the newspaper when I arrived.
“I’m working and need it quiet,” I told him.
“The back is up against the 101,” he said, clearly not believing my explanation.
“I can deal with traffic. What I can’t deal with is people traffic. Do you have any rooms in the back?”
He stared at me for a moment, perhaps expecting me to break, but I stared right back at him, my expression relaxed and still, as if I was in a game of poker, refusing to give him anything to indicate I was bluffing.
“You want the back, take the back,” he said. He grabbed a room key from under the desk and activated it. “314. You need help with your bags?”
“I’ll be fine.” I suspected he didn’t ask just anyone if they needed help with their bags. I’d aroused his suspicion, and I probably shouldn’t have asked for a particular room, but I wasn’t about to back down now.
“No guests?” he asked.
I shook my head.
“Let me know if you want one,” he said. “I know a guy who can set something up, you know what I’m saying?”
