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“I do, and I’m fine,” I said. “Just need a place to work for a couple of days.”
“Sure, pal.”
We finalized the motel room, and he was pretty surprised when I paid with a card instead of cash. He handed over a pair of keys.
“Just try not to make too much noise for the neighbors.”
He may have thought I was hiring a prostitute, but at least his mind was nowhere near suspecting that I had a dog. And it sounded like he was going to mind his own business so long as I didn’t draw his attention to anything, which was exactly what I wanted.
I drove as close as I could to the room and, after checking to make sure nobody was looking, I got Bagel out of the car and snuck her into the room. She was extremely tired from the extended walk and so she just jumped on the bed and looked like she was about ready to go straight to sleep, even in the unfamiliar territory. To ensure that nobody saw her, I placed the “Do Not Disturb” placard on the door, then jumped on the bed beside her, kicking off my shoes and cuddling up as close to her as I could.
Maybe it was the weird room, or maybe it was being away from Mila, but I could tell that Bagel was a little bit sad. She whimpered slightly, then let out a long yawn and closed her eyes as I petted her, releasing soft grunts that quickly turned into light snoring.
“Being alone sucks, doesn’t it?” I said aloud. “It seems like it should be great, but it sucks.”
I was speaking to Bagel, who opened her eyes for a second, but then drifted back off to sleep. It didn’t matter if she was listening or not; sometimes, it just helped to get those thoughts out of my head and run them by someone else, even if that someone else was a sleepy pittie who couldn’t respond.
“It’s just so quiet with nobody to talk to.”
I went to the nightstand and pulled out the TV remote, turning on the TV for some background noise. I briefly flipped through the channels until landing on an old action movie from the 80s. It looked silly and aggressive, with the main character violating every rule of what a human body was capable of doing, but I could be assured that there wouldn’t be a single moment of silence until it was over.
“I should have stayed, right?”
Her eyes were closed, and she cuddled up next to me. That was a good girl. I know I should have stayed, and Bagel would have agreed, but she supported me no matter what decision I made because she trusted me. No matter what happened, she would stay by my side and look at me with those doting eyes and all the admiration in the world.
Maybe I could have stood to learn a lesson or two from her. Any number of lessons, really. The way she was able to jump into that dog park and instantly make friends without a fear in the world. I couldn’t do that. I always had to keep people at a distance at first. Bagel might be reserved sometimes with people, but not with other dogs. That was probably the difference. Making friends with dogs was a lot easier. People were complicated, and you had to actually talk to them and find common interests. Dogs just loved you for being you.
“I should have stayed,” I repeated, this time, as though Bagel had answered my question for me. “So what if she bought a house? I mean, not so what, but I get it. She’s got her life and her baby’s life to worry about. I was unsure of what I wanted. So, if she doesn’t know she can trust me, then why wouldn’t she have a backup plan?”
In pausing, I let the feeling sink in so I could fully imagine myself in Mila’s position. I didn’t need to like it to understand it.
“There aren’t many other women out there like Mila,” I told her. “One in a million. Maybe. You never would have left her.”
No, she wouldn’t have. Mila could have run off a cliff and Bagel would have chased after her. She would have done the same for me, too, because she was loyal. It was one of Bagle’s numerous wonderful qualities. Once you earned her love, she’d never take it back or hold it over your head. It was a non-negotiable. Bagel loved with all her heart and trusted us not to take advantage of that.
Of course, she was lucky to have invested that heart in people like Mila and me. Others weren’t so easily trusted with such love. Bagel had given that same love to Hannah, despite everything, and I’d done the same. When people have your heart in a vice like that, they can do enormous damage. Lasting damage, too. Deep down, I knew that if it wasn’t for Hannah, it’d be easier to dive in and commit fully to Mila and our future together. It only made me hate her even more.
That wasn’t fair, though. Ultimately, it was my fault.
“It’s my fault,” I allowed myself to say aloud, keeping from remaining trapped in my head. “I’m here and not with her because of my own doing.”
Bagel twitched a bit in her sleep, perhaps dreaming of being back at that dog park, running in the grass with that brand new best friend she’d likely never meet again. If only I could have committed as strongly to Mila as Bagel could do with that complete stranger of a dog.
Still, it would be a disservice to go back to Mila immediately without giving this the thought it needed. I wanted to make sure that this was the last time that I’d have even the slightest hint of doubt about the two of us. If I couldn’t go back and say, with 100% confidence, that I would support her and the baby and our future family no matter what, then I’d just end up back here again. And every time something like this happened, it would only chip further and further away at the trust we’d built together.
“We’re going to get her back, girl,” I said to Bagel, petting her reassuringly. Though I don’t know if it was her I was trying to reassure or myself.
CHAPTER25
***MILA***
It was utter hell waking up the next morning. My alarm went off, and it felt like I had hundreds of pounds of weights tied to my body, dragging me down as I rolled out of bed. I wasn’t even in the third trimester, so the poor baby couldn’t bear the brunt of my blame. Instead, Leo had to be my scapegoat, and he wasn’t even around to defend himself.
Good.
I once read that it’s harder to climb a stopped escalator than a regular set of stairs. When you’re used to getting a little help, losing it sets you back below zero. Loving and losing was much worse than never having loved at all. And the absence Leo left was dragging me down.
If he wasn’t completely on board with me, why did he say he was? Why was he making me excise him from my life, rather than him doing the responsible thing and not getting involved to begin with?
